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Glad to be back home from VT after a long Holiday weekend. We decorated our artifical Christimas tree today before we left. AK said the saddest thing: He hasn't ever had Christmas with his parents (Mom and Step Dad). I know we are at least his seventh foster home and this is his third stay with us. Yet he is still so loyal to both parents. Thanksgiving he called one of the relatives - they passed the phone around. I lost count at uncle/aunt number seven. Why haven't any one of them stepped up???? Why are the four kids with strangers again??? Each kid in a different foster home. How is this OK with them?? Or do they all have rap sheets and their own open cases with "The Division" that would prevent them from parenting the kids. Maybe the functional siblings have run far, far, away from the chaos and craziness...In any case, it was so fricking sad to hear him talk to all those people and not be with his family.

Cal FINALLY called his Mom today - he has only spoken to her once in over 3 weeks...he can call her twice weekly and has avoided it...not sure why??? Attaching here?? Divided loyalties??? Too painful to talk to Mom?? Passive Aggressive to let Mom know he is mad at her - and rightly should be! I talked with is therapist and expressed my concern about his lack of contact, the stolen wallet from school and his overall "regressing" with everyday routines and familiar tasks. Report card consistently mentions misssing works and incomplete assignments. We have an IEP this Friday to update his IEP from his old school to match the services at his new school. Hope to hear more about these missing assignments...

Bobby has been so cute - carrying around Alex's two cattens LEVI and NUGGET. They are no longer kittens - but not yet cats. Thus: a teenaged catten.....) and bouncing them over his shoulder and crooning to them just like we do with Baby Dee.
Nice to see him translating nurturing - particularly in light of his own abusive early years. We haven't had any meltdowns in a few weeks. Yippeeeee!!!!

The baby is so stinking cute - lots of noises and squeals of delight as she finds her fingers and toes....She is still only seven pounds - but is acting more and more like the four month old that she is... Genetics appointment Tuesday...Hoping she has a diagnosis...

Alex drove to his paternal Grandparents for Thansgiving where he saw aunts/uncles and cousins...but did not see his Dad, Step Mom and two younger half brothers. They are living in New Jersey, where they moved in Septemeber. He is planning on going there for Christmas since Dad bought hm a train ticket. Nice. Car insurance, college tuition, car payments, food money, living expenses, help with an emergency room visit bill, phone minutes....any of that would be even MORE appreciated than a train ticket....but I guess I should expect nothing less from his father. You think after all these years I could just let the anger towards his Dad go??AARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

On that bitter note - I'm going to finish unpacking.

The Very Best News

Waiting on the answering machine this afternnon was the very best news! A message from, Pat, the scheduling nurse at the GI practice...She got the baby in to see the Genetics Doctor the first week of December. We love Pat. Truly LOVE this woman. This is a miracle - as there is a wait of almost a year to get in. At our appointment last Thursday, I begged her to see what she could do to get us in - I could live with the baby moving to the other side of the state to be closer to Bio Mom if she at least had a diagnosis...But for DFS to make the baby start from scratch with a whole new team of doctors is just wrong. Pat understood. Love her, love her, LOVE HER!

Several people have mentioned a specific syndrome (1 per 10,00 births...) that accounts for a whole handful of her symptoms. She shares physical characteristics with others who have the syndrome - Looking at the photos in the literature - you'd think all the children were somehow related. So why is it important to know??? Remember she is not gaining weight and growing as she should??? Seven pounds nine ounces and will be four months old in a few days. If she is a "normal baby" then she is not even on the percentile charts she is so low...NOT GOOD. If she has this syndrome, she is in the 75% percentle for height and weight!!!! VERY GOOD. If she has this syndrome, we need to take care of some diagnostic tests to rule out some potentially life threatening GI issues....tests you would NOT run on a normal baby...so getting (or not getting) the diagnosis will be very important as to how we plan for her care. For example we are putting in a NG tube to slow infuse one extra bottle overnite - hoping that gives her a boost....The next step is a G tube- but I can't think about that now....The genetics appointment is HUGE. Absolutely HUGE.

Today was bliss. The baby napped and fed, and fed, and fed..and larned how to suck her thumb and poke herself in the eye at the same time...very cute and LOUD. The baby and I did not have to run around today like crazed women -Only one appointment: and the parent aide came and got the baby for a visit with Bio Mom. I took total advantage of the hour and a half and flew to the bank and Wal*Mart and flew back home. Cat litter, toothpaste, diapers...very exotic, I know!!!!

Tonight was Community Thanksgiving Dinner at The Other Mother's work (a youth development organization. The baby and I hunkered down in an office with one of those cozy, warm, blowing heater fans for the duration while the boys were put to work: Bobbby serving cranberry sauce and rolls, AK on beverages and Cal giving folks two tickets at the door: one for dinner and one for dessert. A splendid night - they served 180 folks - down from last year's count of 250.

I am tired and need some serious sleep. Looking forward to a pretty quiet day again tomorrow: Bobby has a play date with a friend, AK is chilling, and Cal has therapy tomorrow afternoon. The Other Mother and I actually have DATE NIGHT ??!!!!???? We are going out to dinner (with our chaperone: the baby, of course.....)

PS Are those just the cutest little chromosomes you've ever seen???

We Have Reached a New Level of Insanity

Today we celebrated Bobby's 11th Birthday. Two hours and sixteen minutes into the party and there are 23 children running around our yard and house SCREAMING. Why am I able to sneak upstairs and blog a paragraph during this madness?? Someone has to check on the sleeping baby.....I think I hear the beckoning call for cake and ice cream...Gotta go............

National Adoption Day Speech

Here's the speech we made today at our local courthouse where 15 children were legally joined with their adoptive families on National Adoption Day. It went pretty well - we actually made a State Senator cry. That's the good news - the sad news is there sre still about 2500 children in our state who are legally free for adoption and have not yet found their families....

Five Years ago, we had a plan to down size and move to Northern Vermont after our Bio son, Alex, graduated high school. Small town living. Work at the local hardware store. Live Simply. Attend Church suppers and country fairs. Gardening. Hikes in the Mountains. Walks along the lake. Peace. Quiet.

Who knew we would be here today.

Five years ago the school where I worked asked if we would foster a teenaged girl whose current placement fell apart. We said yes. We became a child specific foster home. Her worker is here today.

DFS asked if we’d do Foster Adoptive Parenting Training (FAPP) to become unrestricted foster parents. We said we were just going to do child specific foster care but we’d be glad to attend FAPP training. For us it was date night. Hey a chance to go out once a week and be with grownups.

We joined a foster support group and noticed we were the only ones at the table who hadn’t adopted. We told the group we were only fostering - we weren’t going to adopt.

After completing FAPP training we became an unrestricted foster home –but we reminded the Foster Family Social Workers we were only going to foster teenagers because that was our strength and what fit our lifestyle. Betsy is the Executive Director of a community based program that services youth and I worked with behaviorally challenged teens at the High School. So, for a long, long time we only fostered teens.

Then, three summers ago, eight year old Bobby came into our life. He was at our home for the weekend, visiting one of his older sisters (a teen who was with us in foster care) and asked if he could come live with us...He was at a residential treatment facility and knew he wanted a family.

We said we only did teens.

The next time he came for a visit, he asked the same thing. Again, we said we only fostered teens.

He wasn't buying it.

He knew.

With the encouragement of his Adoption Social Worker, Nonie -whom we lovingly call The Stork, he worked us until we said yes.

Now we have adopted him.

Who knew that after almost twenty years together we would want to grow our family?

Who knew?

Apparently, Nonie did.

Thank you, Nonie.

For the past five years we have told our social worker, and all the placement workers and adoption workers "No babies!!!" Our lifestyle is too busy. No babies.

Four to eighteen year olds: YES.
Teen boys: Absolutely YES.
Teen girls: a gun-shy reluctant and hesitant yes.
A sibling group of 3: Heck YES.
Anyone, but babies.
No Babies.

So Susan, our family Social Worker with the DFS, knowing all of this, still calls us about caring for a Baby and we say YES.

What was she thinking?

What were we thinking???

So, Here we are today with our lives revolving around a medically involved, premature, infant.

We chart her feeds and warm her bottles and measure her medicines. Rub her back and soothe her cries. Proudly commend her impressive belches and burps??? Who knew we needed a baby to love just as much as she needed us to help her get well?

Who knew????

Apparently Susan did.

Thank you, Susan.

Who knew we could foster and care for and love with the very core of our being, other people's children.

Damaged, sad, wounded, angry children with stories that no one should hear and few would believe.

Who knew we have open minds and can support and honor the bio-parent bond and not judge?

Who knew there are so many kids who need support and advocacy and a safe place to stay?

Who knew we have a capacity to love and care for these amazing, resilient, children for what ever time they are with us and then let them go?

Who knew we had the ability to open our hearts and our home and adopt a child and never let them go?

Who knew these children would come into our lives for weeks or months or years but would capture our hearts forever?

Who knew????

Apparently God did.

Thank you, God.

What A Week

I don't know where to begin... The flat tire this morning caused by an exacto blade stuck in the tire...AK sharing that Cal was showing the boys an exacto blade he found in my scrapbooking supplies located in Cal's room...When I searched Cal's room for the blade I found a stolen wallet belonging to a kid in his grade from his school. GREAT. So I brought the wallet to school and told the school he may be in possesion of a blade or two ( I had a set of 3 exacto blades for scrapbooking and they are not where they were a few weeks ago when I made CAL his scrapbook. CRAP. He confessed to stealing the wallet and they searched him and did not find any blades -so he just has Internal Suspension for 3 days. I then had to drive him to the courthouse for his regularly scheduled meeting with his probabtion officer. Perfect Timing. She was very nurturing and nice because I explained to her I think he is either trying to get kicked out of our house so he doesn't have to say goodbye - or he is trying to get sent to lock-up so he doesn't have to go home to Mom. He has NOT called Bio-Mom 3 out of the last 4 scheduled phone calls...Where he used to call Grandma daily, he has called twice since last Friday. Either way he is conflicted about leaving....GREAT. Should I feel flattered that the kid who slashed my tire really likes my cooking and doesn't want to go home????

There at the courthouse this afternoon were several folks from our foster parent recruitment team hanging our Tshirt display because tomorrow is National Adoption Day. They, of course, thought I had come to help, and sadly had to explain we were at the courthouse for business, not pleasure....GOOD TIMES.

Did I mention The Other Mother and I are supposed to be speakers at National Adoption Day tomorrow and we don't have a clue as to what we will say....Not a clue. Maybe I'll modify a blog post and we can take turns reading parts of it....

Yesterday Baby' Dee's Social worker announced how well Bio Mom is doing in her 7th stint at Drug Rehab that she is now ready for a more independent setting....All the way across the freaking state...That they'd probably move Baby Dee to a foster home closer to Mom and that it would happen soon. So Mom can still have her visits...this is her fourth child she is not raising....So lets's return the MEDICALLY FRAGILE FAILURE TO THRIVE INFANT to Mom. GREAT. This is as I am handing the Social Worker the list of the 17 medical and therapeutic professionals she has has appointments with in the just the past month she has been with us...Sure lets just start all over with a whole new set of doctors and specialists and lets just try and get an appointment before the holidays. What are they FREAKING NUTS?????!!!!! Don't Answer that.

I then had to tell the Other Mother that the sweet little Baby we have fallen head over heels for and quietly fantasize about raising to adulthood may be heading off to the other side of the state....The Other Mother had just this week succumbed to peer pressure and being called Grandma one too many times by folks admiring Baby Dee and had bought hair dye to hide the grey...I guess dying the hair to appear more like a Mother than a Grandmother is on hold....CRAP.

I had an molar abcess last Friday and had a tooth pulled last Saturday and I am still HURTING. I can't wait for the Other Other to get home from work each night so I can finally be "off duty" with the kiddos and take a tylenol with codeine to get some pain relief....I think I just need to go to bed....

Registration

Off to register AK for school at the local junior high while Baby Dee has a visit with Bio Mom withe their parent-aide. After we will all head to my least favorite/favorite store: W*lM*art, to outfit AK with some clothes, sneakers and a coat...then home because the Visiting Nurse comes this afternoon.

All in All...a very quiet day in my crazy upside down life....

A Toothless Grin and Gratitude

Like Baby - Like Mama.....Toothless that is.. I am soooo in love with my Dentist. He had novocaine for me ...lots and lots of novocaine.....SIGH... He agreed the tooth needed to go, and would have preferred me going to an oral surgeon - but it was Saturday morning after all....so he did his best and thankfully pulled my tooth. My tooth did not want to cooperate - so I am a bit bruised and swollen and in pain - but nothing like the pain yesterday...THANK GOD.

I am so grateful for modern medicine, particularly pain medicine. Definitely pain medicine. Ummmmmmmm. Yes.

I am grateful that my children were all super today - helpful, supportive QUIET, kind and easy going. All four of them. Baby included.

I am grateful that the Other Mother could go to work today to run her organization's fundraising HOLIDAY CRAFT FAIR and didn't have to stay home from work today because of the crazy logistics of getting me to the dentist at the same time as basketball try outs.

I am most grateful for our wonderful neighbors, Meg and Melinda. Meg called me at 8:00 this morning with a plan to take the kids so I could go to the Dentist unencumbered and Betsy could go to work. LOVE THEM. Melinda took Bobby and Cal to basketball tryouts and then to her office to help xerox and staple booklets for the afternoon. Meg came over our house with their 3 kids and watched Kevin and Baby Dee. She washed my dishes and unloaded my dishwasher. WOW. Meg and Melinda are DFS cleared so our kids can go next door and play, but we don't generally use each other as sitters....so their support today was extra special.