If you aren't a regular follower of this blog you may not be aware that we have STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEST A big one. Much like the swarm above that my friend Cindy collected and my friend Patty photographed this past week in Vermont.
Anyhow, the Mamas and some very kind blogging souls (Bless Their Hearts) are taking some serious heat on a very dificult decision that has impacted everyone in my family circle. We recently gave our 10 day notice to discontinue foster care for Radish, a 12 year old young man who came to us last year in a preadoptive placement that evolved into a reunification plan.
Yondalla had so very kindly put the word out in the blogging community to extend us some virtual hugs - which we gratefully and warmly receieved from so many wonderful readers. Thank you all. We also receievd a few comments from folks who have some really, Really Big Feelings about my actions and my post. Thank you as well.
I never intended to stir up controversy - nor host a pity party. I blog because I need a way to process my feelings and make sense of my life. I blog because many of the issues in my life that need talking about must remain confidential, so I am very limited with whom I can speak. I can't really process this stuff within ear shot of the children, at work, or at the checkout at the grocery for goodness sake! I blog because there are wise people out here in cyber-space that I can learn from. I blog because I also have some Really Big Feelings and need a place to put them.
I posted the following comment yesterday on Yondalla's Blog, Thoughts From a Foster Family, and have since added a few sentences to paragraph 4 below for your clarity:
Yondalla,
Thank you. I am sorry. Thank you for reaching out and, without reservation or judgement, recognizing the complexities of our personal decision to give our 10 day notice to Radish. I appreciate your willingness to offer support, and admire your strength in taking a whole lot of heat on a very hot topic. I am sorry this has gotten out of hand and some folks are making our decision all about them.
Radish's SW told him about the 10 day notice and he is actually doing OK and is relieved to move closer to Dad's. He just wants to be with his Dad. His parents and I have talked extensively on the phone and at the rehab program. We are all OK with this complex personal decision and recognize it will impact each of us differently. We are all practicing Acceptance.
Radish's little sister is sleeping over this weekend and will travel with us to Vermont. Why? Their parents know we care about thier children and that their children care about us. They also understand we care enough to set a limit on the craziness. As addicts in recovery they know what happens when you can't set limits on the craziness. They know the danger when you go off thinking you can manage it all. They respect that I know enough to say enough.
We are all working on healing. I am not throwing away their son and they know that. I am also not allowing his behaviors to destroy my family or ruin his own chance to be reunified. Two weeks ago The Division of Families consolidated the case and transferred the paperwork to the other side of the state. The Service Plan Goal was changed this winter from Adoption to Reunification with Dad. the move was set for June, but Dad relapsed. The move was changed to September, and Radish imploded. Dad isn't ready for Radish to move in and Radish isn't ready for anything right now. Radish will now move closer to Dad and get a new therapist, engage in family therapy, go to ALATEEN, ALANON, or AA and NA meetings, and see his sister.
This is the right thing to do for us...just us...not the rest of the blogging world. We are at peace with our decision. I will post most of this on my blog, but wanted to personally thank you for your very kind words and gentle heart.
With Gratitude,
The Mamas
Goodness, a hornets nest is right!
ReplyDeleteUltimately it appears that the decisions will propel him towards what he wants, and get him closer to his goal. It sounds like there is a LOT more to the story and you all are trying to respect a lot of privacy issues. I can only imagine.
Wishing you all the best.
Sorry, ahem, I just had to come back and make one more point because it has been bugging me all morning. Events that resulted in these circumstances began over a decade ago. You had nothing to do with creating any of it. There is a lot of guilt to pass around when it comes to every single child in foster care up to the point of being removed. Take credit that you tried, but also take the credit that when you couldnt do it anymore, you had the emotional and mental strength to make the HARD choice. The easy thing to do would have been to leave everything be even when it is not in the best interests of everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteI have been in that situation -- disruption -- and it is extremely painful and difficult. Please surround yourselves with people who understand, can support you and your decision, and remember to take care of one another.
ReplyDeleteDeciding to disrupt was absolutley the most horrific experience of my life and has profoundly affected everything I do.
We have been fortunate in that the home our disrupted placement went to was perfect for him and he is happily adopted. We still have contact with him and are thrilled he found the right family for him.
It still hurts. Deeply.