ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!
That's the best way to describe the feeling I had one day last Spring when I read a comment on my blog and realized: HOLY CRAP!!!THEY KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE!!!! It's kinda funny now - but then I was soooo completely freaked out and ultra-paranoid about anyone knowing who I was. Now I'm just a little nervous and moderately paranoid.
I mean it was all OK to write about and post all the crazy, embarassing, frustrating, RADical, REAL parenting moments in my home to an entire world of strangers, just as long as I remained anonymous. I felt a little freaked out because of the whole foster care confidentiality issue and still feel that I have to be a little hyper-vigilant to continue to protect the anonymity of the foster children in our home... I don't even say what state I live here in New England. It is, however, implied we are within a day's drive of our vacation home in Vermont. That narrows it down to six or seven states. See. Not too paranoid.
I don't know how the rest of you feel about this - or if you even tried to be anonymous. Some of the blogs I read use fake names for all family members - others use real names for adopted kids and fake for the rest. Others use their first and last names or even location identifiers. Some seem to share with family members and friends but never with Social Workers or therapists- professional boundaries and all...It is such a range.
Anyhow - it turns out the commentator that knew IRL us had praises for our parenting and words of encouragement. PHEW. Turns out they too have a blog and write as a way to process the ups and downs of foster parenting. Fancy that!! We see each other at Foster Parent Events in our part of the state and know some of the same Social Workers and get mired down by the same Bureaucracy. It's a small world.
Since that time I have tested the waters and relaxed a little. I sent the blog address to a few of our friends who live away and also to a far-away cousin as a tool to keep them connected with the comings and goings of our family. It felt good. No longer did I have to answer the inevitable "So how are things going?" with a mindlessly vague "good". With access to my blog, they really knew how we were doing. Sometimes it was good. Most of the times it was a little crazy. I still haven't shared my blog with anyone local or anyone in my direct everyday circle. That feels too raw right now. I'm not ready.
So now that I am a little more relaxed (still a little paranoid, though) I don't care too much who finds me or reads me, or what they think. What I do care about are the kids I parent. Deeply. I care about learning as much as I can to be a better parent and stay one step ahead of our children. I care about not burning out as a foster parent. I care about balancing the stress of parenting difficult children so it never becomes a wedge in my relationship with The Other Mother. My blog is essential to maintaining my sanity. I hope my posts remain respectful, humorous and honest.
Oh, and if you should be walking down the street one day and recognize me or my kids...please introduce yourself and say "hi!". I'll try not to freak out.
There are some people in my real life that read my blog.. not too many. My mom, dad & stepmom, a couple of women in my adoption support group, some friends from high school. I'm pretty careful about who I tell that I blog.. because I don't want to have to filter myself too much! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI had a public blog for a long time and everyone read it, now I am less public because I did not feel like I could talk about the real parenting stuff with so many friends reading and not judging. I met some of my closest friends through my first blog and I must say it is a fine line finding where that boundary is especially when their are kids involved. We stay sort of anon because I don't want their birth mom to find us and we live in a small county and she is only one town away.
ReplyDeleteYou had a blog post a few moments ago that disappeared---is that something about the public private issue?
ReplyDeleteI hope you return the post to your blog! I very much appreciate reading all of your posts. While not a current foster parent, it is certainly something that my partner and I are discussing for our future as parents.
I worried about all that at first, when the kids were in foster care, now that they are adopted, I still use first initials only..JUST IN CASE someone who I dont want to share with reads it. I would hate for their lives to be spilled out and one of their freinds at school find the blog..that would be terrible. Short of that, I really dont care who reads.
ReplyDeleteI have a few IRL people who read and/or know about my blog. I remember the first time *anyone* read my blog and I got a comment. It was such a shock. As in why the heck would someone read THIS! LOL I do use real names for my kids and created names for those people who are either not my kids or in my direct family. I don't feel right using my kids friends name for instance as i don't have permission to ID them and I don't know all the details in their life that might make it unsafe for them to be named.
ReplyDeleteZach - No..nothing about the private/public issue....I hit PUBLISH before I had finished editing and checking my spelling...so I removed it for proper editing last night when I had more time. It is posted today. Glad my ramblings and drivel are of interest and benefit...
ReplyDeleteWhen we started fostering, I had a very public blog. I never told our DFCS, but somehow the head of our state got a hold of the address and sent someone to speak to me. I had a analytics program on it and could see only one viewer from the city. They viewed my blog up to seven times a day. I was hurt and angry. I changed kids names, never posted pictures, etc. Still... I shut it down and started my new, highly secretive one. I hate that I feel like I have to hide. I still change names and don't post pictures, but only a few IRL people who I can trust implicitly know. Only a few people read my blog anymore. From one already isolated feeling foster mom, this has been a real frustration.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'd rather blog for myself than not blog at all. I think you're doing a fantastic job. Continue the great work you do! And thanks for blogging!
With the exception of a tiny fraction of people I've met through my blog (and didn't know beforehand) nobody from my "real life" reads, or knows about, my blog.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I've struggled with this issue. I have three blogs...all for different purposes. My personal blog is read by both people IRL and in bloggyland. I am very guarded about what I say there because in addition to family, co-workers and parents of my students read that blog. I made my adoption blog private so I could discuss "difficult" topics and not have to censor there. I've found I've started posted a lot of "family" stuff on there rather than my personal blog...which makes me think sometimes I should make that my "personal" blog and use my other one solely for photography related things....and then I have a classroom blog which is open only to the parents of students in my class. Obviously, this is for confidentiality reasons and so I can post photos.
ReplyDeleteI have every privacy setting imaginable up on my Facebook so it amazes me sometimes that I blog at all publically. Sometimes I have a fleeting thought of some sicko getting their jollies off on photos of my kid....but usually I just don't go there.
I am pretty open in my blog. My first and last name hs been posted. Friends, family, and people from blog land read. However I freaked when I googled myself, and my blog popped up. I do not want out agency to know I blog. I use nicknames for our foster child, as well as the hubby. But the name of our blog is a dead give away.
ReplyDelete