Dear First Time Foster parent:
I understand you were told the child you have been fostering the past six months will be leaving this week to go to a relative. Your heart is breaking and I am so sorry for your pain. I'd like to share some things I have come to learn as a foster parent. Things I may understand, but not always accept. Things that have helped, but not eliminate the pain of saying goodbye.
It doesn't make it any easier to know the child will be returned to relatives, and not be returning anytime soon to their bio-parents. What matters to your heart right now is they are leaving you. It doesn't matter that they are going to relatives and not staying with strangers (Uh...that would be us: the strangers: the foster parents. We are the strangers. Strange, huh? Ok. I admit we are perfectly lovely strangers with a fondness for bagels, a keen sense of sarcasm and irony, with advanced college degrees, but we are still strangers!
It's really not about whether we are "better" parent than a relative or if we can provide a nicer home or more meaningful developmentally appropriate educational and social activities than the relative. In this case I'm gonna guess all things being equal between a relative and "us" - biology trumps strangers. And foster parents are still strangers. Remember? We are the strangers. Nice strangers. But, still, strangers.
There are plenty of "better" folks we each could be "partnered" with or "married" to take care of us. Would I have a better life if you plucked me away from The Other Mother and plopped me down in a gated Florida compound with John Travolta and his personal fleet of airplanes? Maybe - but John is not my family and all things considered, I should get to go with my family - even if that means living in a boring subdivision in snowy New England with a mini-van instead of a jet in the driveway.
Why didn't they just go to relatives first? Why did they live in foster care at all? Why now? Foster homes are the safe place for kids to stay while the grownups figure things out. In this case, doing some additional investigation, looking at historical DFS records, personal history and relatives's current situation (and the relatives's relationship with the bio-parents) before a decision is made. Time is good - it helps everyone do their best job without being rushed. The kids need somewhere safe to be during that time. That would be with us. The foster parents. The strangers.
It's not just about now - but a bigger future than we can currently imagine: So it's not just about the seven year old child's last six months with us but 6 months in the context of 75-80 total years of their lives. Yeah, yeah. this is where bonding assessments come in, I know....
It doesn't have to be forever to be important. As a teacher, I know I do not need to follow the kid for all 13 years of public education to see that I have had impact or meaning in thier lives...I have a role for that year and that gets them ready for the next step, the next grade, the next adventure (and as a foster parent, gets them ready for their next home.)
It does not get easier. 26 kids later and it still sucks when they leave. We cry. We mope. I overeat and overshop and get cranky. Grief in all it's forms visits my house. At least for us it does. The house is too empty, too quiet. For crying out loud, I found one of baby Dee's binky pacifier in my glovebox three weeks ago and my stomach dropped and my world went upside down for a minute. She's been gone for eight months and we are still raw in our love and loss for her. Even though we are connected to her. Even though her mom calls us and sends pictures and letters. Even so, my heart greives for this loss.
I can remember last winter sitting at breakfast at the general store. I was holding Baby Dee and just looking at one of my wise Mountain Top Mom friends with tears welling up in my eyes not even having the words to express "How can I love her this much and let her go? How can I do this????" and this amazing wise mom just looked back at me with a thin smile of pained understanding and said with her eyes and heart and words "I know. I know". Years later there are still children who ache in her heart.
A foster child's absence leaves a hole in our daily living and routines. I'd be lying if I said it didn't. My heart still aches and my imagination still works overtime thinking what it would be like of some kids stayed and didn't leave...but for now The Other Mother and I are here to be foster parents and maybe... adoptive parents if circumstances work out right.
After some greiving time I usualy feel better and we answer DFS's placement calls with a "Let me check with The Other Mother, but I'm gonna say probably YES" rather than the "NO - we are just not ready yet" ...and then we start the process of fostering all over again....
so, Dear First Time Foster parent whose placment is leaving this week:
I don't have words to make the hurt any less, but know you are not alone.
Hugs,
Mama Drama
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Goodness! My heart aches for you and all the foster moms out there. This was beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you for the painful job you do.
You are a wise woman, Mama Drama. Many of the things you say about foster parents are also true for adoptive parents too. I am aware of being a safe place for my son to grow, to learn to love and attach and become secure, but always with the knowledge that a piece of his heart belongs to someone else. He will, I'm pretty sure, want to reconnect and live with his bio parents (separately) when he is 18. It likely won't go well, but my job is to make sure that he has a safe place to return to (and a bus ticket in his pocket!) to figure it all out afterward. In the meantime, I love him, make him do his homework, and keep him safe.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, so well written. Your family is like the soft place for children to land when the adults have gotten it wrong. Lovely.
Thank you for writing this. We have not experienced the loss yet... but I expect to very soon. And the problem with the whole foster care thing is... our family (mother-inlaw, cousins) become very attached to the children who come through our home. They don't understand how we can give a child back, but I've tried to explain with cool concise logic the why. This really helps.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to thank you for writing your blog. I've read for a while and so many of your posts resonate with me. This is no exception. I couldn't agree with you (and your commenters) more - at least when children go to family homes where there's some reason to believe they will be safe. Unfortunately, at least where I am, biology trumps safety. In the 10 years that I've been doing this, I've known way too many kids whose lives have been gambled with - and with obviously crappy odds - by the system. Way too many kids who have been returned home to parents or extended family only to suffer increasing abuse, neglect and abandonment. I've met so many adolescents and teens who first entered foster care as infants and ended up in and out of care for years, until it's nearly impossible for them to find a family that can help them begin to heal from all of the damage that's been done. I've personally cared for and loved children who have been reunified and come back to my home after years of abuse. The sadness I felt when they left is nothing compared to the heartbreak of grieving the pieces of their souls destroyed by abuse. The worst part is that the social workers, lawyers and judges who make these decisions are just not doing their jobs. They're not careful in their investigation, they don't follow through with case plans, and they make decisions with huge gaps in their information. To top it off, they don't keep track of kids who are reunified or placed with family. I would love to play the role of the foster parent that you described and would happily put my heart on the line to give children a safe home while their best shot at permanency is worked out.
ReplyDeleteand this, dear heart, is why you are an excellent foster parent. You know that you have to love and cherish these children and try to bond with them for THEIR sakes, regardless of the pain you feel.
ReplyDeleteHere's a thought - every time you have a new placement, make a quilt block that commemorates something about that child. Maybe an ohio star with their thumb print in the center square (or the whole hand depending on their age) and have them write their name with a fabric pen. Then one day, when you're no longer accepting placements, you'll have an enormous quilt of memories - kind of like the AIDS quilt.
sob, sob, sob. I'm not a newbie, but your words are timely for me, too. It's so comforting to know that there is a community of friends out there!
ReplyDeleteThanks MamaDx2!
this will be me one day. and i'm glad i'll never be alone....
ReplyDeletecheers
So beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. My partner and I are looking into foster parenting. It is really helpful to have realistic, loving, heart aching reports out there. We want to move forward lovingly, but with our hearts and eyes open. Thank you.
ReplyDelete