Friday we brought Baby D to her Mom and brother. Really. Finally. It was what we call a "Happy Sad". We visited for a while and left when the Social Worker did -then the Other Mother and I drove our boys and dogs the half mile down the road to the nearby Ocean Beach and had a good cry. Actually - we had the first of many good cries we would have over the weekend - and random unexpected weepy moments that continue today.
An ache. A loss. Emptiness. Longing. Sadness.
I keep thinking, mumbling, breathing "THIS IS THE WORK" like a chant, a mantra, a soft spoken phrase to get me through the sad feelings. This IS the work. This is the work that we do . Fostering children is fun. Joyful. Hard. Unexpected. But it doesn't feel like work. Saying "good-bye" is work. Not just HARD work, but HEART work. I feel drained.
We spent Easter weekend at a family home near the Ocean: a little yard work, a bike ride on the bike path, grilling Chicken, walking on the beach, going for ice cream, wading in the ocean, reading a few chapters of my book, ate Girl Scout Cookies, read a quilting magazine, spoke with an elderly neighbor who has kown me since I was three, drinking marvelous cups of tea, resting when the newborn would let us, but mostly missing sweet Baby D.
Saturday night Baby D's Mom called just to talk. She had a rough night with D's 8 year old brother and I think she just wanted a grown-up to talk to. It was so nice to have her reach out to us as a resource and connection.
Sunday on our way home, we stopped at Baby D's home to drop off some things she had left at our family's home near the Ocean and some things for Mom (a lawn chair and table) She kicked her litle feet and her arms wiggled and she just lit up when she saw us. It was sooo good to see her & hold her. Made me feel better - which was good - because it made me feel worse to hear about her crazy relatives and their mental health issues and addictions and think about the marginal support network they will have there...and the sketchy public assistance life they will lead. Hey - but those are her people. They may not be the people we would choose for her - but they are her people. Not us..... ARGH. *sigh*
I go back April 13 to accompany Mom to the first pediatrician appointment. Mom's cognitive challenges make it difficult to organize and convey complex (and not so complex) medical info so I am going to give a case history/summary....Mom is good at follwing medical instructions - just can't present well.
I wish I could say it was easier because we had Newborn Baby Boy (oh he does need a name now - doesn't he????)...as I was saying, a newborn to care for and concentrate on - but in reality - he is just not her. He is just not the same - he smells different and cries different and wants to be held different and he has different little boy parts.....He looks so serious and grumpy when he isn't sleeping or screaming.....
I'm off to think of blog pseudonyms/ pen names for the Newborn and the wonderful, quiet, polite 13 year old boy who joined us last Saturday.
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Gee whiz, lots going on up there! How about BB for Baby Boy (kind of goes with the old buckshot pseudonym).LOL Don't have any ideas for the 13 year old....he doesn't sound like the usual hormonally,loud and obnoxious teenagers I know. Hang in there, your investment of love in Baby D is there and you get to continue being a part of her world.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you all..Lil' Man is our first placement so I cant say I know how you feel. Good luck with your two new boys.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend- such an awful pain, my heart hurts for you... remember the laughs, her cute smile with her tongue sticking out, the smell of her hair, her tiny feet and hands, the pure look of love she had for both of you... Tears of happiness and sadness and emptiness... she will always have a place in your heart that only she can fill... Love ya, Marty
ReplyDeleteOne foot in front of the other and just keep breathing. I agree- it doesn't feel like work, because that's not why we do it, but what else to call it? This is the... love. It wouldn't feel like this if you hadn't had that divine gift. I hope she's ok! She'll miss you...
ReplyDelete`Can't wait to hear more about the new guys in your life.
I am glad to hear that you took some time for yourself. I can not even imagine how mush you must miss her even though you know it is the job it is still really hard, keep repeating that mantra.
ReplyDelete((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteYou are doing good heart work. It takes special people to do this. I admire what you are doing.
You.are.a.saint. Yes, it is the work...HEART WORK..as you say. AND the world needs people like you who can do it, as hard as it is....it is the work, and work that is important. Bless you for reaching out to D's mom...so many fps would not do that...you are more than a foster parent. I dont know the right word for what you are, but it would be a wonderful word of some kind. :)
ReplyDeletetough stuff! I could never do it. it would be too hard for me. I'm an All or nothing gal.
ReplyDeleteObladi oblada....... ditto!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I decided not to be a foster parent. I could never give my kids back (yes, even when they make me crazy!). Keep hanging in there!
ReplyDeleteMary in TX