Yesterday's post made light of my son's constant battles of control and mistrust of everything and everyone. I cannot make light tonight. The sad reality is that my boy is hurting beyond hurt.

He is hurting enough that last night his regular verbal threats to take his life and his wishes that others "would just kill me and get it over with" escalated to a suicidal gesture. Certainly not his first -he has been hospitalized before - but the first gesture in our home since he arrived almost three years ago.

Basically, while getting ready for bed (doing the "brush and flush") his PTSD was triggered by two things: his perception he was being spoken to more harshly than James AND that James might hit or tickle him. But, really, his huge PTSD reaction was triggered by "who knows what" and the end result is he was flooded WELL BEYOND his capacity to cope...

I called the school to inform them Bobby had tried to harm himself and brought them up to speed. The school disclosed a several progressive issues he has been having: threatening to go to the commission of education against his principal when she asked him not to scribble over a standardized test, wanting to file a grievance against a substitute teacher asking that they not be allowed to teach, telling the principal that the recess lady wasn't doing a good job, etc etc. Fun times.

Today was his regular day for his monthly check in with his psychiatrist and Thursdays at 5pm is his regular therapy appointment.

We brought the baby over to our dear, foster-adoptive-friend, one of the amazing Mountain Top Moms, Miss Martha. Our babysitter is regularly scheduled for James on Thursdays (because Wednesday may be Pr*nce Spaghetti Day, but Thursday is therapy day...) but wanted her just to focus on James. I called all three kids Social Workers to let them know what was going on and then went to get Bobby at school for his appointment.

The Other Mother and I talked to his psychiatrist with Bobby in the room and then with him waiting outside in the hall. She upped his Pr*zac and put him back on Ten*x and we'll check back in two weeks. We decided to remove as many stressors as possible (instead of unstructured recess, stay indoors, etc.) She complimented our TEFLON DEMEANOR (the explanation of which is worth its own post...) She said she'd speak to his therapist. She said she see us again in 2 weeks.We left and got the baby and spent some time at the library until therapy time.

When we arrived for our 5pm at the very same office and right away his therapist called him back to "get started". I incorrectly assumed the psychiatrist had given the therapist a heads up that Bobby is currently in crisis and is imploding. NOT SO.

I could tell the therapist didn't know by the level of play (LOUD disregulated maniacal laughter and room shaking-floor thumping) that was coming through the walls into the waiting room and the lack of quiet (implying they are talking). When the session ended, I cheerfully, asked if the psychiatrist had spoken to him about Bobby's recent med changed and when he said "No", I asked to have a few minutes alone to update him.

Yeah, His eyes were bugging but he was trying to look all calm and cool. He said they talked about some girl on the playground who was bothering Bobby, but didn't mention trying to harm himself or get the principal fired etc. etc.

I AGAIN reminded his therapist that Bobby is skilled in deflecting and avoiding and manipulating therapy topics to AVOID talking of anything of importance. We reviewed a contingency plan for emergency crisis services in the event we have a repeat performance.

Tonight at home, we talked a lot, he cried a lot and we explained that we were going to help him try to manage all he is going through, that he didn't have to do it alone, that he could make some personal changes in how he has been trying to manage everything and take advantage of therapy to get through this hurdle...

WE are WIPED OUT.

No spin, no humor, nothing. It just sucks.