AK's Birthday Weekend

Calm day at the Ocean
Hang Gliders at the surfer's beach

I just love the Ocean off season...so peaceful
At our favorite Pond


The day we left there were incredible wind gusts, snow and rain - a real winter storm at the ocean.



Two weeks ago we went away to the OCEAN for AK's birthday. He turned 14. AK stands for Average Kid...When he came to us in June (his seventh time in foster care and his second time staying with us) we had not yet had an "AVERAGE KID". We had no idea what to do. We stil don't.

Since he turned 14, a new maturity has settled in his bones. He tires quickly of the childish baby-talk, squealing, animal noises and genral disregulation that happens too quickly whenever Bobby and CAL play. AK now *sighs* and looks at me with his sorrowful brown eyes, *sighs* again, shakes his head in distaste, and says "kids". I try not to laugh out loud. He may be more mature now, but, thankfully still loves to play jokes and tease. Our oldest (oldest child who currently lives at home) is also our smallest kid. AK still wears size 10-12 at 14 years old.

He saw his Mom for his birthday. She got him a box of honey bun pastries, a box of cake mix and a can of frosting, and a birthday card written on a piece of white art paper with a blue bic pen. Not even magic marker on his card. Sad. Very, very Sad. We got him 2 jeans and 2 tops, a inexpensive watch, trac-fone minutes and a bag of food treats.

His Mom had at least 2 different biopsies this past week and we are hoping for some news on her prognosis (we know she has cancer in SEVERAL organs) He is a wreck -trying to be all positive on the outside, but inside he is awfully sad.

On Thursday he called his Social Worker at DFS when he didn't hear about his regular visit with Mom. Social Worker called back and told him there wsasn't a visit this week as they were switching visits to every other week because the Social Worker is too busy to try to round up AK's 3 younger sisters from 3 different foster homes for a two hour vist (that takes AK and I an hour and a half to drive to). Crap. Very sad news. He knows his Mom has cancer and misses her terribly. He cried. No, I take it back. He bawled his eyes out. I don't blame him one damn bit.

He was talking about maybe trying to go see his step-dad who is in jail for the next five years for domestic violence. I wish his life wasn't so messed up -if this keeps up, he won't be Average Kid for long....

So, for now, we just talk, play, relax and enjoy him as much as we can for as long as we can....Average Kid or not.

Sometimes I Pretend

Sometimes I pretend I am a normal Mom who does everyday things with average kids. Like this morning. Boys had Basketball, Baby had a bottle and a nap and I cleaned our bedroom (dust bunnies the likes of which you haven't seen). Sometimes I forget I am parenting traumatized children and have a sweet little baby that will soon go back to Bio-Mom and leave an empty, aching hole in our hearts.

A to Z Challenge

Carol at http://giraffedreams.blogspot.com/joined this reading challenge, and I thought I'd give it a try. Too many books are sitting in piles around my houe. They need to be read!!!. I'm going to read 26 books alphabetically by title. (Not in that order, just trying to cover each letter and then MAYBE do 26 authors alphabetically.) If you'd like to try it - here's the skinny:
------------

January 1, 2010 to December 31, 2010.

How does this reading challenge work? Choose the option that works best for you...

Authors -- Read alphabetically by author. Commit to 26 books.
Titles -- Read alphabetically by title. Commit to 26 books.
Authors & Titles -- Commit to reading 52 books

How strict is the 26 or 52? I know it isn't always easy to find those difficult letters. The thought of finding the X's (for example) might scare folks away. It shouldn't! I'm a merciful host! (Ask anyone!)

If you want to give the X's a go... For authors, try to find an X in the first name, middle name, or last name. For titles, it doesn't have to be the starting word. Try to find an X somewhere in a title, and it'd count in my book.

Still can't find a book for the letter you need? I'll take your word for it. I've been there. I know. If your library doesn't see the need to order books just because it starts with an X, then I don't blame you for not wanting to special order a book that you may or may not enjoy. You gave it your best, don't feel bad. You can still make this challenge work for you.

Go to http://2010atozchallenge.blogspot.com to sign up.

A Great Transition Meeting

Fabulous meeting today with Baby Dee andBio-Mom's Team to work out the details in her transition plan. There were nine of us there. Mom's 3 bedroom house will be available on March 1. Mom and big brother will move, and settle in. Lisa, Her DFS social worker from here will go to the house that Friday, check it out and give the A-OK. Lisa will remain her primary worker for 30 days until the case transfers to the other side of the state. That same Friday The Other Mother, boys and I will drive the baby to the other side of the state and bring her to Mom. We'll get to see the house, breathe a sigh of relief and then bawl our eyes out when we say goodbye. We'll stay in a nearby town with the boys and have a mini-vacation weekend. This way, we'll be close enough for Mom if she needs us to help out with anything. DFS has suggested I go with Mom to her initial appointments with the baby's new physicians as Mom would have difficulty reporting/presenting the info. They are supporting our ongoing connection and encouraging our active role in helping Mom. They have left it pretty loose how we manage the thrice weekly visits for the next month. Yeah DFS!!!!

In mid February we'll have Mom to our house to show her where the baby stayed, her room, our family, etc. I think it will help to have a picture of who we are/where we live. It will also give me a chance to "show" Mom how to mix her formula and 2 supplements, go over some PT stuff and show off the baby's skills, etc. I think it will surprise the heck out of her to realize we live a mile away from the rehab program where she lives. Our kids ride the bus togther and we've done a great job of maintaining privacy for everyone up until about 3 weeks ago when Bobby saw Bio-Mom at the bus stop and recognized her from the photo I took of her and the baby that is on the baby's bureau. He agreed to keep it quiet and understood the whole confidentiality thing.

Today at her 6 month check up, the baby had 4 shots (vaccines/flu etc). Ouch. Mom and I began to talk about where she'd like to have the baby's baptism as last week she had asked me to be god-mother. Still not sure if it will be here - or the other side of the state...

Yawn. I am so done with this day. Really.

So The Therapist Says

So today The Other Mother and I sat in on Cal's therapy when he told his therapist that...Well, what I WISH he told his therapist is that he sees an IMAGINARY person named Frank that lives in his closet and talks to him. Sadly, Cal beleieves this "Frank" is a REAL person. Cal's odd behaviors since his arrival in September support his recent disclosure. See yesterday's post for more specifics.

Anyhow, I'm pretty fried from today. The Cliff Notes version of our therapy session is that Cal's therapist explained that Frank could just be a very complex friend that may or may not stick around (he did NOT use the word imaginary)or Frank could be a short circuit in his brain that makes him see or hear something that isn't there - and then there are medicines that can help fix the short circuit. That it is important for them to talk more about it to figure it out together...Cal's therapist's plan is to check in often and talk about "Frank", and for Cal to let one of us know when "Frank" is scaring him or asking him to do things he doesn't like.

We had a few minutes wrap up while Cal sat in the waiting room. Basically a wait and see sort of thing. Doesn't think Cal is in need of meds at this point based on what he is seeing today. Cal is not having olfactory aspects, for example. "Frank" does have not have god-like powers. Cal seems to have some control over "Frank". Blah Blah Blah. He wanted to think about the "secondary" or useful benefits of seeing "Frank".

We get that when your Mom neglects you and others abuse you, it can be pretty freaking useful to have an imaginary friend, like Jiminy Cricket, to keep you company and watch over you......HOWEVER, Cal isn't seeing a happy little cricket in a top hat singing words of encouragement. We are talking about seeing a tall scary guy wearing a floppy fishing hat that can make snakes come out of his eyes).

We get that imagination can be useful when dealing with difficult situations. HOWEVER this is NOT feeling useful to Cal. In fact, it seems to be scaring the crap out of him. Tonight he said he's worried Cal will do something to him in his sleep because he told everyone all about Frank. Lovely.

I think Cal was relieved to have talked about it in therapy, BUT on the ride home expressed he didn't think his therapist really understood about Frank. After therapy he had a lunch visit with his Grandma and Bio Mom. At lunch he told them about Frank. He said his Mom just laughed but his Grandma was real quiet. Real quiet.

Grandma knows. We know. Cal knows. Frank knows.

We are all just waiting, patiently, for the therapist to know.

Two Versions Of The Weekend - You Can't Make This Stuff Up

PUBLIC VERSION:
This weekend we headed to Vermont where The Other Mother was able to attend her lay ministry class all day Saturday while I took the boys down the lake to watch the annual Snowmobile races. After lunch they spent the afternoon ice skating at the public rink in the park. We had to go round them up when they didn't come home on time for dinner...they all had sore ankles, but otherwise had a blast. Saturday afternoon the baby had the flu bug and Saturday night was my turn. Lovely. Sadly, no Church on Sunday so we wouldn't spread the plague and contagion. More skating for the boys and a quiet, nauseous and headachy ride home to our humble New England State.



PRIVATE VERSION:
But let's backtrack to Friday monring, no school (teacher training day. The boys and baby and I plan to head to VT early and The Other Mother will drive up after work. I'm upstairs packing for Vermont with Cal, age 12. In his room, sorting clean piles of laundry into his bureau, closet and bag for VT. I go to shut the AlWAYS open, double wide, folding closet doors. Cal looks at me anxiously. I don't shut the closet all the way. He still looks worried. What? He stares at the closet and then the rug, pauses, and says, "You know there's a guy named Frank who lives in my closet."

WHOA.

"Huh. Really. What does he look like?" He calmly answered all my questions about Frank and explained some things I had seen or heard and couldn't put my finger on. Like sometimes after school he runs up to his room and can be heard talking/mumbling loud enough to hear, but too quiet to understand. I had just thought he was singing or something - turns out he is talking to Frank.

OMG.

When Cal pushes his fingers and hands on his eyes, it is because even when he closes his eyes, Frank is still there.

GREAT.

He asked if I do hear him talking to Frank not to just barge in because he didn't know what Frank would do if I came just came in. I calmly assured him I would knock first.

HOLY CRAP.

So, tomorrow we are going to therapy, at Cal's request, to help him tell his therapist that he is seeing things, not very nice things. Specifically, for a long time there has been a tall young man who lives in his closet and talks to him, plays tricks on him (moves his possessions around so he can't find them), sometimes is mean (pushes him out of bed at night) can get realy mad (has threatened to kill Cal), wears a fishing cap and everyday clothes, has several masks (some clown like, some scary) can make snakes come out of his eyes, can make more of himself so there are several Franks in the room, doesn't go away ("he is still there behind my eyes even after I close them") sometimes pokes him and touches him. Cal says he knows Frank isn't there when he looks, but he still feels it and sometimes it is weird.

ONLY SOMETIMES?

I asked him if he had told his Mom or anyone else about Frank. No. Has Fank always been around? No. He said he remembers telling his Mom when he was younger about feeling like there were ants crawling in his brain and there were lobsters in his brain eating the ants and it was all very noisy. His Mom knew about that, but NOT Frank.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

In my calmest most everyday voice said I wanted to give him my best advice, but didn't have a lot of experience with stuff like this and suggested we tell and talk to someone who might know more about these things. He thought we should tell AK "because he sees ghosts, he'd understand." AK sees ghosts??? WTF????? He's called AK for AVERAGE KID - as in no freaking major problems...just an ordinary kid.

UMMM I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOUR THERAPIST - HE'S A SMART GUY.

Cal's therapist is clinically strong and I trust him. It helps he has "Doctor" in front of his name, but is relaxed and goes by his first name. Cal respects him and is comfortable talking there. He helped Cal figure out that he can't help that he has tics (Cal's very recent Tourettes diagnosis).

So now Cal is talking freely about Frank and Bobby hears this and starts asking questions and Cal is telling and then while we are driving to pick up AK Bobby is acting like he sees Frank too. When Cal's in the restroom at the rest stop, I pull Bobby aside and asked him about it. Bobby said "I don't really see Frank but I didn't want to make Cal feel bad - I didn't know what to say -but now it is creeping me out."

YEAH. ME TOO.

So on our way to Vermont, car fully packed, Bobby, Cal and I head to Divison of Family Services to pick up AK (who is having a 3 hour supervised visit). The Other Mother will follow later, after work, and bring the two dogs. At DFS, I tell the boys I need to check in with the baby's social worker and leave the 3 boys in the teen room with video games. I go back and share Cal's disclosure with 2 social worker supervisors and tell them my plan if things don't go so well over the weekend.

FINE

Twenty minutes later, Back in the car heading to VT. AK is mad and clearly fuming. What happened??? Bobby, my little parentified gossip queen tells me all: AK is mad at Cal because he thinks Cal is making FUN of him because AK sees ghosts and Cal is only making up Frank to tease him. I wish someone else could have witnessed AK's eyes bug out when I said, "Ummmm, no. Really. No. He is not teasing you, He really thinks he sees Frank. Really".


YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS CRAP UP!

Hopeful, Honored and Humbled

Yesterday, when I dropped the baby off for her visit at the rehab program where Mom currently lives, Baby Dee's Bio-Mom asked me to be her God-Mother. Wow. I was so touched, I couldn't say anything. Tears welled up. Mom said "aww...don't cry". Hearing the word "cry" was my cue. I blubbered. I sniffled, I blubbered and nodded yes. I hugged her and thanked for letting us take care of her baby. I blubbered a little bit more, pulled myself together and told her she was an amazing woman and that we believed in her and that she could do this (parent this little baby with special needs). We both blubberd a little. Damn P.M.S. Program staff tried to look busy and pretend they weren't watching. I'm kind of glad they were. I's always nice to have a witness to a miracle.

Last Friday was Court for the baby: Reunification. Work on housing and getting all her Doctors lined up. Yada-Yada. Baby Dee's Bio-Mom has her public housing all lined up on the other side of the state for March 1st: a single story 3 bedroom house with a great yard on a cul-de-sac- even comes with washer and dryer...WOW! Baby will (unlikely)go when Mom moves March 1 or will (MOST LIKELY) move a few weeks after. Mom needs a little time to set up house and register an older sibling in school. The next few weeks are for setting up referrals and new doctors for the 17 or so professionals thIS little baby sees. We've all been hard at work with appointments and the socail workers are setting up transitional planning meetings for all providers (us included- can you imagine????).

Today, I feel hopeful, honored and humbled all at once.

I am hopeful for the baby's future (whatever and wherever that may look like) and that Mom's network, her village of support, will help her through the challenges she will face parenting and maintaining her sobriety. I am hopeful that the Division of Family Services in our noble New England State will continue to recognize that foster families can be ongoing supports for bio-families (when appropriate) and that when this happens - everyone benefits.

I am honored to be included in that village by being asked to be Godmother. My heart is touched by the sweetness of Mom's gesture. Pure Grace.

I am am humbled by the unexpected teachers that come into our lives, and the solid, clear messages they bring. My heart is full.

Thank you Baby Dee. Thank you Bio-Mom. Thank you God.