Back Burner

The Other Mother and I are about to have our first child-free vacation in Three years!!!! Three Years. Really. Well, three years ago we went overnight to a regional foster parent conference - but that didn't really count as a vacation. Our darling children (17, 18 and 19 at the time) didn't give us a moment of peace while we were there and we actually had to leave early because of their antics. So it has probably been more like four years.

Holy smokes. Four years!!!!!!!!! No wonder I am totally exhausted.

Anyhow, we were going to go away to a Bed and Breakfast on Lake Champlain- but I am feeling a little financially conservative since I recently (two weeks ago) resigned from my position at the Elementary School to be a Stay At Home Mom. We are also just feeling the need to Sloooowww doooownnnn and relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx...rather than "GO GO GO!!SPEND SPEND SPEND!!!" So, at this point we are heading to our camp near the Canadian border where we will just hang around and enjoy the quiet. Maybe we'll take a day trip or two, pick some blueberries, go to the lake, take naps, read books. Paint, sew. Go out to eat at a restaurant that does not serve chicken nuggets. Nothing big is on our agenda.

Bucksquat leaves tomorrow morning for a week long summer camp for siblings separated by foster care and adoption. There he'll be in heaven hanging out with two of his three sisters and about a hundred other kids. FUN. Buckshot is heading south for a few days to visit his bio Dad, step Mom and two half brothers before his college classes start....so The Other Mother and I will have the house to ourselves. YIPPEEEE!!!!

We've talked about how easy it has been to put ourselves on the back burner and neglect the hobbies and interests we used to have. We used to spend more time doing things like reading, quilting, gardening, working out, running, or painting. Now we spend time in therapist's waiting rooms, on the phone with workers or driving hours for visits with bio families and siblings. Our free time has become less free. Don't get me wrong, our lives are definitly richer with more children in the house. And This fall we will, indeed, have more children. We've already had placement calls from The Division of Families and have said "No- not yet."

We told our worker we needed these past few weeks to regroup, reconnect with our 10 year old and time to process the emotions of having both boys (AK and Radish) transition home to their bio families. As happy as we are that they returned home to their families - and as relieved as we are not to be dealing with constant RADICAL behaviors - we still feel this empty loss and sadness when a kid goes home. To have two children we have loved leave within a week....and even though we know this is the nature of what we do - it still feels AWFUL.

We hope to spend the next few days relaxing, reprioritizing and reconnecting...but mostly to begin the important work of finding a better balance in caring for others and caring for ourselves.

Now That's A Tall Order

The Other Mother and I will be traveling this weekend to do a brief training for new and returning camp counselors at "Camp Endless Summer" - a camp here in New England for siblings separated by adoption and foster care. We need your collective wisdom and advice.

A beautiful lakeside Summer Camp in New England donates a week at the end of their camping season to the program - so the facilities are pretty much free. Volunteer Counselors and some paid staff provide a week of incredible camping experiences.

We have been asked by our amazing Adoption Social Worker (lovingly known as The Stork) to speak during the Orientation/training day for new and returning camp counselors about what camp might be like for some of these kids - what behaviors/situtions they might expect to see and how they might handle it. How to best react and manage. YIKES. All in 45 minutes.

Now that's a tall order.

Sisters. Brothers. Bonfires. S'Mores. Swimming. Grief. Loss. Longing. Sailing. Singing. Short sheeting. Sad stories. Wounded spirits. Healing hearts. Bug bites. Bug off. Meltdowns. Sunburn. Sundown. Pillow fights. Hot dogs. Heartburn. Heart ache.

Memories will be made. Some VERY BIG Memories will resurface. Wow.

So faithful readers, I am asking for some suggestions on what you think we ought to cover in our ever so short 45 minute training. What tips would you give new and seasoned volunteer camp counselors on how to best deal with your kids???

Seriously, we'd love your input.

Thunder and Lightning

We know that Sarah, our recently adopted 10 year old Golden Retriever, was a farm girl with limited house priveleges in her previous life. Couches, dog beds, fluffy pillows and cozy rugs. No way. Hard floor next to the back door, please. She much prefers sitting outdoors on the deck with one eye on the squirrels and birds who dare step foot in our fenced in yard. She will sit all day in the rain if a squirrel is lurking nearby. She joined our family in late April. She hasn't yet been with us for winter but I expect it will be the same. Deck, squirrels, birds, sun, snow, bliss.

Riley, our white schnauzer is still coming to terms, after eight years, that we expect him to go outside to, AHEM, you know, "GO", regardless of the weather. He's wagging his stubby little tail at the back door, all set to go out. When I open the door and he sees that it is raining/snowing, he turns and looks at me with these accusatory eyes, drops his head, tucks his tail and reluctantly trots down the back steps. When he gets to the bottom of the step and the first rain drops hit his back he will turn, look back at me with dejected eyes and zip right back up the stairs to the back door. He is a bit of a wimp and enjoys the benfits of curling up on the couch, looking out the front window from the recliner, snuggling in a lap and sleeping on the end of the bed curled up with the cats. In fact, much of his behavior suggests he sometimes identifies as a cat. But that, my friends, is another post. The point is, weather doesn't scare him, he just would prefer not to get wet.

Last month, we had a real whopper of a thunder and lightning storm. Up until then I could confidently say that our dogs are not fazed by thunder and lightning.

So imagine our surprise when, during that last big storm, we couldn't find our dogs. Had one of the kids let them out??? Was one of the back gates open? A frantic search of the house found Riley poking his nose out from under the bed. Sarah's tail thumping led us to a shower stall where she was curled up, trying to hide.

Sort of reminds me of my own reaction when the phone rings on a Friday afternoon and caller ID says it's the Division of Family Services Placement Team - calling, looking to place some children. You know, a nice sibling group of five with anger management issues. So, if you call me on a Friday afternoon and I don't answer the phone, it is probably because I am in the shower. Or hiding under the bed.

Finally

YIPPPPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were very happy to speak with someone from the Division of Family Services on Friday afternoon. They had some great news for us all. Turns out Radish may move as early as Tuesday (like maybe today !!!!) to a QUEST program located very, very, close to Bio-Dad, step-mom and sister!!!!! YEEEE HAAAA!!!!

This is just what he (and we) have been hoping for, planning for, working towards!!!! Last winter, the Division of Family Services met and his goal was changed from Adoption to Reunification with Bio Family. The date to move from our pre-adoptive home to bio-Dad's was set for the end of June. We had all been working towards that date when Dad relapsed in early June. The disappointment was tremendous and took a heavy toll on his ability to function day to day. All Radish wanted then, and still wants now, is to live with his Dad.

By moving closer to Bio-Dad, they both can begin the work of healing their fractured parent-child relationship. Family therapy, AA/NA meetings, group and individual counseling, regular visits, planned activities, being physically present for the everyday rhythms of family life: they need to be physically together to accomplish these goals.

Now, it is finally happening!

Reality Check on Aisle 5

Bio-Dad and I spoke the other day about Radish and how he complains about being bored more frequently during visits. On his most recent weekend visit to QUEST, Radish was "bored" and said "I should have stayed at QUEST" - all because the batting cages were closed and mini-golf was too expensive for the whole family to play for the half hour they had left on their off grounds visit. Bio-Dad, step mom-bio brother, bio sister, grandma,....we are talking some serious $$$$$$ cha-ching! "change" to play mini-golf.

I'm not sure where Radish got the expectation that family visits were about money and things...but he has. Bio-Dad knows we are all about LOW COST - NO COST forms of family fun. Hiking, biking, board games, swimming, sledding, card games, crafts, car rides, rent a movie, etc. Heck - we've even made our own mini golf course in the back and side yards because we also think it is too expensive to take our whole crew mini-golfing!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, on recent visits with Bio-Dad, if it isn't like D*sney (with bells, whistles, fireworks and a marching band)...if it isn't non-stop fun, Radish is BORED. Hmmmm. I wonder if the CASA Mentor's buying him a $250 mountain bike several weekends ago has anything to do with Radish's expectation that BIG Money shall be dropped during ALL visits.....Nooooo. That would be cynical of me to think like that!

We have always had the BORED issue with Radish. He has difficulty managing ANY down time and will sabotage other's activities for is own general amusement. His free time has to be structured and the day must be planned out. Radish would often lay on the couch and rock or sit in a chair in a strange posture unless he was told what to do next or given a choice of what he could do next. Initiating activities remains VERY, VERY hard for him.

Oftentimes he'd rather argue about why he couldn't do an activity - rather than do any activity.

Radish: I am bored.
Parent: You could join the boys playing basketball?? Dinner will be soon.
Radish: No. It's too cold, too dark, too hot, too windy, they aren't as good players as me...etc.etc.)
Parent: OK. I'm going to finish cooking dinner if you'd like to help.
Radish: Nope. I'm bored.

What a bizzare cycle of attention and inactivity.

I feel bad for Bio-Dad and the family - Radish has an unrealistic expectation of what it will look like when he lives with them. Moving closer will involve him in the day-today routines of the REHAB program; that will surely help.

Anyhow, it is my beleif that this boy is in some serious need of a big old FAMILY LIFE REALITY CHECK. Hmmmm.....what would a FAMILY LIFE REALITY CHECK look like if he were still living in my house????????

Put the dogs out
Bring the dogs in
Feed the dogs
Put the dogs out
Bring the dogs in
Bring kids to summer camp
Come home
Put the dogs out
Bring the dogs in
Answer phone
Talk to Social Worker
Check the laundry
Defrost dinner
Clean up remains of defrosted dinner that dogs just knocked off counter
Put dogs out
Defrost another dinner out of dog's reach
Bring dogs in
Answer phone
Talk to Social Worker
Check laundry
Fold clothes
Put away clean clothes
Make the bed
unload the dishwasher
load the dishwasher
Find cat barf in hall
Clean up cat barf,
Put the cat out
Bring the cat in
Clean up more cat barf in hall
Realize you put the wrong cat out
Put the right cat out
Mop the floor
Answer phone
Talk to Social Worker
Answer phone
Talk to Therapist
Answer phone
Talk to another Social Worker looking to place a sibling group of 4
Hang up
Laugh
Turn on TV to J*rry Spr*nger
Realize your life is waaayyyy more interesting than a reality show
Turn TV off
Turn vaccuum on
call insurance adjuster about last month's flooded basement damage
Cry
Go down to musty basement and go throug a few more boxes of stuff
Go outside for fresh air
Check mail
Read mail
Go through bills
Pick up kids at summer camp
Stop at grocery store
Unload groceries
Send kids out to play
Feed the dogs
Put dogs out
Bring dogs in
Unload dishwasher
Cook dinner
Clear dinner
Load dishwasher
Hang out with family
Put dogs out
Bring dogs in
Tuck kids in
Blog
Sleep
Wake up at 3 am to cat crying outside of window
Bring the cat in
Sleep

REPEAT

Pay It Forward

In a recent blog entry I wrote about The Vocabulary Words we did for AK and Radish.

One of AK's vocabulary words was:

KIND: There is kindness in all you do. At the Fourth of July Parade when you caught the candy - the first thing you did was share it with the little boy next to you.

So of course that got me to thinking of the boys..and Fourth of July...and missing the boys and thinking about all we have done this summer... so I started going through the photos...taking a big old trip down memory lane.

This is what I found.

At the Fourth of July Parade, AK, Radish and Bucksquat dove to catch candy being tossed by those marching in the parade and riding on floats.

I clearly remember AK turning and handing the candy he had just caught to the little boy who was standing near us. What I didn't really notice until now is the last shot of the little guy "Paying It Forward" to Radish!!!!!

This photo made me think. We often don't know the true influence we have on others. Our most mundane everyday actions truly are like pebbles tossed in a pond. It was humbling to witness how, unaware, we can be such a powerful role model to a child. The little boy, hand outstretched, reaffirms my belief that we each have the power to make the world a better place - one piece of candy at a time.

Vocabulary

Before the children we foster children leave our home - we try to do something special. Some families we know have cake or a special dinner. I am not much of a baker; instead, we make things to take and keep and to mark their time in foster care with dignity and pride. For most kids this is a photo scrapbook and a DVD movie the Other Mother has made from photos. Recently, we started making "Vocabulary Words".

The night before he returned home to his family, we gave AK his "Vocabulary Words" to study. These are about 10 words that remind us of the child. The words are written on index cards, hole punched and held together on a metal key ring. Just like at school: the vocabulary word is written on one side and the definition or rememberance is on the other. I use scrapbook style stick on letters for the vocabulary word and the definition is handwritten on the other side. Some of AK's included:

FAST: You always have a quick comeback or funny reply. You get the absurdities of life. You make us all laugh.

ROOM: You always included the other children when you played. Your heart had room for more.

ABLE: You see the possibilities and are able to make lemonade out of lemons. You are an optimist.

OUCH: You get it that it stinks to have your feelings hurt. So you are kind to others and a peacemaker during conflicts.

SIT: You were always patient and willing to sit for the long car rides to Vermont.

MAY: You always asked politely for things that didn't always need asking.

OPEN: You kept an open mind to new ideas, new places, new things, new foods, new friends. You are an adventurer of all that is new: a Brave Explorer!

WHY: You were never embarassed or too cool to ask questions about how the world works. You are interested in learning about life!

KIND: There is kindness in all you do. At the Fourth of July Parade when you caught the candy - the first thing you did was share it with the little boy next to you.

Yup. Definitely miss that kid.

Sew What?

AK - Making a pillow for his Mom in blues - her favorite color.



AK - More pillows for Grandma and Cousin.



Bucksquat made a quilt top for his middle sister.



The center panel of the lap quilt Radish made for Grandma.



I posted recently how each child we have had in our home has learned to quilt: how to measure and cut fabric, fill a bobbin, thread and run a sewing machine, iron seams, stuff a pillow. Create. I am so proud of these kids. More important, they are proud of themselves.

Now That's Mature

Recently I was sitting at the table, glue stick, stickers, colorful index cards at the ready. There I was, trying my best to craft UNDER THE RADAR at the dining room table while the boys watched a movie and puttered about. Keep in mind, the dining area and living area share one large room; we are in the SAME room.

Is it just me or do you find as soon as you sit down and attempt to engage in a solitary, age appropriate, adult activity of your choosing, your children suddenly NEED you for something? In my case, that pretty much covers most of my favorite past times: quilting, reading, doing puzzles, scrapbooking, talking to my spouse, etc.

The kids hunt me down like a wounded animal and insert themselves between me and anything that possibly would take my attention away from them. Subsequently, I haven't worked on a quilt in some time and have finished only one of the five books I have started this month. Of course, sitting up BLOGGING has gotten in the way of my late night reading fests...but, I digress.

Don't get me wrong. Their curiosity has come in handy; each child we have had in our home has learned to quilt: how to measure and cut fabric, fill a bobbin, thread and run a sewing machine, iron seams, stuff a pillow. Create.

Anyhow, I am pretty embarassed to admit that there are times when my kids come and wedge themselves so I can't do anything but focus on them and my solitary project suddenly becomes their group activity. I, sometimes, want to scoop all of my materials close to my ample bosom, look them square in the eye and say loudly "GO AWAY. Mine, mine, mine - ALL MINE".

Now that's mature.

Solitaire - For Two

When I drove RADISH to QUEST last week, I asked him if he would like us to visit and he said yes. We made a plan for Tuesday. When I called Monday and found out I wasn't on the visit list or call list I was sad and worried he'd see this as broken promise rather than as a policy/rule issue. I explained to staff that I understood - but could I still drop off the last of his belongings as promised to him at Admission. I arrived fully expecting just to meet with the Director and the Case Manager. During the time from our phone conversation to my arrival, QUEST made a call and The Division Family Services Supervisor gave us off grounds and unsupervised visits. PHEW.

So, I was able to (unexpectedly!!!) visit RADISH on Tuesday at QUEST. YEAH!!!! He had a shy smile and a quick hug for me. Wow. It was nice to hang out and talk about his week at QUEST: what he's been doing, what cool field trips they have been on, how's the food, who's on his visit list, call list, etc. We hung out for about an hour. I had already visited with his BIO-Grandma earlier that day. I had brought his second bicycle from Vermont and some larger items there for storage until he moves in with BIO-Dad in September. I brought him an inventory list and notes on where specific items are stored (old baseball uniforms in the tub at Grandma's, etc.) I brought his just finished scrapbook. We went through it and talked about the pictures.

Eye contact and proximity are hard for RADISH - so I was nervous when staff directed us to the only two chairs in the room on opposite sides of a kitchen table. I suggested we sit on the couch so it would be easier to look at the photo scrapbook together. It was much more relaxed. Sitting side by side we could both look out the window and avoid the whole eye contact thing in a more natural way. He leaned into me and was pretty relaxed. PHEW again.

After the scrapbook he brought out playing cards and asked me if I could bridge shuffle (NO -not unless you want to play 52 card pick up!!!!) and showed off his impressive shuffling talents. I think the most surprising part of our visit was when I offered to teach him a new type of solitaire game and he not only agreed, but was very present and connected while we played and learned the rules. Besides RAD, his TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) effects his auditory processing and makes instruction of any kind difficult. RAD and TBI together.... Normally he would resist any instructions, any direction, any structured give and take, and any loss of control. But this time it was just FUN. We had fun. F-U-N. Fun. AMAZING!!!!!

As I was leaving staff asked me to fill out a visit form - where I write about our visit and interactions during the visit and staff completes a section on behavior and demeanor before and after the visit. QUEST then reports the information to the Division of Family Services. Pretty Thorough. I am glad there is oversight and extra sets of eyes and ears monitoring.

His CASA MENTOR had already been to visit on Saturday. They went shopping to several sporting goods stores and the Mentor bought him a $250 mountain bike. Nice. Because every kid should have 3 bikes...Radish already has a bike at BIO-Dad's and one at Grandma’s. BIO-Dad is unemployed and living in one room at a Drug Rehab program so you can imagine that money is TIGHT.....Not to worry! The Mentor can drop $250 on a mountain bike...Nice ....How can BIO-Dad compete with that????? I am sure it is not the Mentor's money - but is Mentor Agency money - but do you think RADISH gets the subtlety of that???? ARRGGHHHH. But I digress!!!! BIO Dad has court on Friday in this part of the state and will try to come see him this weekend and RADISH's lawyer had already come to visit. His former adoption social worker (THE STORK) had come to see him on Monday - since his regular social worker is on vacation for a month. So I feel like RADISH is very well connected with extra hearts, eyes and ears. It truly takes a Village....

So we made a plan with QUEST staff for once a week visits - and last night the Other Mother and I took RADISH out to dinner at a local family style chain eatery. Another nice visit. We presented him with his own little study packet of VOCABULARY WORDS (see previous post) and his MOVIE. It was a really nice visit. We made plans for another one next week. I am looking forward to it.

I'm bringing the cards.

Already Gone

AK returned home to his family this morning. Jeez, we are gonnna miss that kid!!!! I am so glad he is reunifying with his mom and sisters, but I am still very sad to see him go. In our house we call that a "HAPPY-SAD". Last night, Bucksquat was pretty disappointed to learn we were NOT going out for ice cream to mark AK's departure. Instead we had a nice summer dinner at home (grilled salmon, grilled chicken, corn on the cob, watermelon AND ice cream) and later worked on packing and finishing up projects.

AK learned how to use the sewing machine this past weekend while we were in VT. He made pillows for Grandma, Mom and a Cousin in their favorite colors. Very sweet. Last night he stuffed and signed them and we sewed them shut.

We added another two pages to his scrapbook of camping and fishing at the lake in Vermont.

I gave AK his "Vocabulary Words" to study. These are about 10 words that remind me of the child written on index cards, hole punched and held together on a key ring. Just like at school: vocabulary word on one side and definition/rememberance on the other.

The Other Mother's tradition is to make each kid thier own DVD movie . She burns it using the many (and I do mean MANY) photos taken of their time in our home. She adds their favorite music (or popular radio song at the time) for the soundtrack and prints a custom CD label...and TAAA DAAAA!!!!! Instant movie star.

Flames, Trolls and Uniforms

Apparently I've been flamed.

Who knew there was such a thing.

I actually had to look it up in G**gle - which led me to W*k*pedia.

Flaming is a hostile and insulting interaction between Internet users. Flaming usually occurs in the social context of a discussion board, Internet Relay Chat (IRC) or even through e-mail. An Internet user typically generates a flame response to other posts or users posting on a site, and such a response is usually not constructive, does not clarify a discussion, and does not persuade others. Sometimes, flamers attempt to assert their authority, or establish a position of superiority over other users. Other times, a flamer is simply an individual who believes he or she carries the only valid opinion. This leads him or her to personally attack those who disagree. In some cases, flamers wish to upset and offend other members of the forum, in which case they can be called "trolls". Most often however, flames are angry or insulting messages transmitted by people who have strong feelings about a subject.


I am new to the blogging world (May 2009) and, apparently, still naive to the entire real life world.

I didn't realize that blogging is pretty much like high school. A place where petty insecurities can rear their ugly heads, bullies and cliques roam the halls, and rumor mills run rampant.


At least I don't have to wear a uniform here.