Thank You Corey - Thank You Heartline

Our family won an amazing raffle prize over at Watching the Waters. Corey has been hard at work raising money to support Heartline and their goal of getting an ambulance to better serve the community and their medical clinic in Haiti. Below is my Thank You Note to Corey. If you too feel thankful for the abundance of quality medical care avaiable to us here in the United States, then please hop on over to her site, learn more about Heartline and GIVE BIG.

I wish I wasn't so technologically challenged, then I could post a proper link....sigh...

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/


HOLY SMOKES COREY!!!!!!!

A bazillion thanks...I tried to write a respectable thank you on your blog to express our appreciation of Heartline Ministries and what they are doing in Haiti (and trying to do even better if they only had a stinkin ambulance for cryin out loud.....) Our foster baby, "Baby Dee" has recently been dignosed with Cornelia de Lange Syndrome...thankfully diagnosed - because now there is a blueprint of protocols of care and a way to help her stay alive, get healthy and GROW.

But the clincher for us donating to Heartline is that we realize just how blessed we are to live where we live and have access to the best medical care even in our humble rural corner of our fine little New England State..and without that care (and the team of 17 professionals providing for Baby Dee's care) we know we would NOT have a baby to oooohhh and aaaaahhhh over.

Sadly, I know many Haitian Moms and babies do not have the same opportunities we have here and I am so grateful there are amazing folks like those at Heartline, and you for fundraising and spreading the word.....

Thank you Thank you Thank you.....

So - How We Doin?

"How We Doin?" as they say in Vermont. Busy. Very Busy. Good busy. Crazy busy. But busy. Today we have Nutritionist/Gastroenterologist at 10 for Baby Dee. Cal has Allergy testing also at 10 (Thank goodness the Other Mother has a very flexible work schedule) Bobby has a psychiatrist appt at 1:00 and his first visit with his new therapist at 2 pm and need to be back home for AK getting off the bus at 3 and then both Bobby and Cal have basketball practice at 6 and a game at 7. Phew.

Through all this I am grateful that baby Dee is thriving, gaining weight (8 pounds 3 ounces at 4 1/2 months...) and stealing our hearts more and more each day she is with us. I also have the pleasure of having bio-Mom attend everyone of her outside appointments (bio-Mom does NOT come to my home for baby Dee's physical therapy and early intervention and visiting nurse appointments - THANK GOD for some boundaries...) You know Bio- Mom has her own cognitive challenges (nice speak for she tests/presents as mentally retarded- nice and all, but mentally retarded) and I can't help but feel for her and want to support her in her parenting because she really LOVES her baby- but FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...this woman is hard pressed to take care of "normal" kids (her first she gave up for adoption, her second is being raised by a paternal grandmother, her third she gave to bio dad and he lost the kid to foster care...and now the baby is her fourth???) How in God's Name is she going to care for a medically involved infant??? My head is just going to burst. Explode. Really.

CAl is clicking, sniffing and twitching all over the place during the day **(his therapist has suggested Tourettes. SUGGESTED???? WTF!)** and peeing on the rug and in the bathtub when woken at night to go to the bathroom because he is flailing, disoriented and SLEEPWALKING and CANNOT be woken up...FUN TIMES.

Somewhere in between the appointments and my head exploding in disbelief over the insanity, I need to call one of the Social Worker Supervisors and say WTF (What the Frig!?!). AK was on Speaker phone last night with Mom and she was talking crazy/ feeding poor AK pipe dreams...like

"Don't get mad at me because we don't really have any presents for you this Christmas, but when we are together in February we'll have a big Christmas then. **(February??? WTF)**** Now you need to know she is telling AK how much fun they are all having right this very minute at Aunty Brendas playing Wii....but they can't get him presents.....oh - and it gets better....

"You can stay with me at Aunty Sandra's where I'm staying from Dec 23 til Jan 4 so you don't have to go to Vermont for Christmas, DFS doesn't mind when I talked to them" ***(ummm Last I checked Mom is on a SHORT leash of one hour supervised visits every other week.....and the relatives have a HISTORY and are not approved or approvable to have the kids. WTF)*****

"I have surgery on Jan 5 for my lung and we'll see if they can scoop it (CANCER) out or if they'll take out my lung, but Aunty Sandra can watch you while I am at the hospital" (ummm- last I checked - AK is placed with us is because none of the relatives are CORI cleared/clearable to be near the kids - let alone supervise them....uh, and isn't having a lung removed a little bit more complicated than day-stay surgery???? Uhh..and won't AK need to be back in school by Jan 5????)

Oh - and to top it off - his step-Dad gets out of prison today (we were told he was sentenced and went to prison for 5 years this summer for beating the crap out of Mom and ongoing Domestic Violence....and AK just can't wait to see him...YEAH!

I need to get that boy a therapist PRONTO. Like yesterday. Oh - yeah, and by the way.....Merry Christtmas.

100th Post

Nothing witty, brilliant or particularly insightful about my 100th post - just a few stolen moments of quiet gratitude for the opportunity to connect with an amazing community of wise women amd men who honestly share the joys and challenges of foster and adoptive parenting Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Too True Tuesday

Today is Too True Tuesday - (http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/) and you know what that means...The Accidental Mommy asked : This week tell us what you are getting yourself for Christmas (or holidays in general). If you are not a holiday celebrator, go buy yourself something and tell us about that!

Well..boring as it sounds I just bought myself the most beautiful blue and white Norwegian style sweater that opens all the way down the front and has these fabulous silver buckles instead of buttons. A bit of an indulgence, yes...but it worked out.



I called The Other Mother on the cell phone from TJ MAXX to check in and told her that although I went to TJ MAXX with full intentions of finding Christmas presents for the family, all I found was the blue and white sweater and a rug for the baby's room.... (yes, you heard it here - THE BABY'S ROOM...as in, maybe she'll stay long enough to outgrow the cradle in our room and need her own crib....She certainly could use her very own storage unit with all the paraphanelia and baby things she has....but I digress

Anyhow - back to the sweater...The Other Mother, being the understanding lovable woman that she is, and knowing the challenge of shopping for me, said "Oh nice! Why don't you wrap it from me..." Ummmm. LOVE that woman!!!

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

Last night two brothers we had in foster care the spring and summer of 2008 came to our house for dinner with their Mom and two sisters. The boys, with their Mom's permission, were the ring bearers at our wedding in 2008. Bobby walked us down the front porch into the front yard where we were married by a Justice of the Peace. Our neighbor's six year old twins played the cello and violin. It was beautiful.

Anyhow, for the past year and a half, since the boys have left and returned home, we remain in contact pretty regularly. They are no longer a case in the foster care system - thus the pictures. Sometimes Mom calls, sometimes it is one of the boys. They call us when things are going well and when thing are going not so well. What I treasure the most is that their Mom respects and supports their relationship with us. It was so nice to sit and hang out (well, as much as you can hang out with eight kids...) and just enjoy each others company.

We watched a very gross, I mean cool, DVD photo slide show of the older boy's recent accident. He got his finger caught in the chain of his bike and it ripped off the tip of his finger up to the knuckle..so the photos were at the ER and retracing his steps (blood on the door to the local convenience store where he called home, bloody curb...) EWWWWW gross...but he was so proud. Maybe he'll grow up and direct horror movies????

Mom gave us this really cool snow globe that you can put pictures in. On one side was the two boys and on the other side was the two girls...She also gave us two copies of their family portrait. Although their pictures are all overthe house, it is from our time together in 2008. It was so nice of her to think of us and know we want more currrent pics of the kids - they are so stinking cute!

Apologies From My Inner Control Freak

I may have offended some or perplexed others when I said we could handle a diagnosis of Cornelia de Lange Syndrome but were certian we couldn't handle Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Let me explain. Bio-Mom is in a drug and alcohol rehab program and has her own cognitive challenges. If the baby's disability is a direct result of her Mom's drinking/drugging (FAS) I would have such a hard time supporting the Bio-Mom and the current plan for reunification...I would feel this resentment/blame/anger. The baby having a genetic disorder, a mutation of her genes, feels different to me. I feel like I can better support the Bio-Mom's role in parenting and reunifying with her ...child, if she is able, A diagnosis of CdLS is a new framework for explaining the baby's multiple hospitalizations for Failure To Thrive. Failure to Thrive, on the other hand, refelcts poorly on Bio-Mom's ability to care for/maintain the child.

The other issue is the broad spectrum /range of issues from FAS..some of which don't rear their ugly little heads until later. It is the Big Unknown which scares me, With Cornelai de Lange there are indeed some awful things to deal with: heart defects, gastro-intestinal issues, mobility, communication disorders.....but for the most part, there is a protocal, a treatment plan, a series of steps or tests, modifications, or surgeries to deal with each issue.

Also, I think it is just how I am wired: my inner (OK - not so inner) Control Freak has a hard time with a disorder that doesn't play by the predictable rules.

The Genetics Dr. said although the baby is diagnosed with CdLS, it is possible (given Mom's History) that she could have FAS as a a secondary issue...We will just have to wait and see when she gets to the preschool stage to see how some of these issues develop. YIKES

CdLS

On Tuesday, Baby Dee saw the Gentics Doctor and was diagnosed with CDLS...We have been digesting this diagnostic possibility and ruminating on all the possible scenarios for quite some time. We have had several weeks to wrap our heads around what it means knowing the baby has CdLS. We have a very astute friend who, upon meeting Baby Dee on day two of her placement with us, enthusiastically says "So has she gotten her diagnosis yet?" And when I looked at her with a puzzled expression, she smiled even wider, nodded her head and said. "Well...Cornelia De Lange Syndrome: like my Jennie (daughter)".

So, what is CdLS? According to the CdLS Foundation, CdLS is a congenital syndrome, meaning it is present from birth. Most of the signs and symptoms may be recognized at birth or shortly thereafter. A child need not demonstrate each and every sign or symptom for the diagnosis to be made.

As with other syndromes, individuals with CdLS strongly resemble one another. Common characteristics include: low birthweight (often under five pounds), slow growth and small stature, and small head size (microcephaly). Typical facial features include thin eyebrows which frequently meet at midline (synophrys), long eyelashes, short upturned nose and thin, downturned lips.

Other frequent findings include excessive body hair (hirsutism), small hands and feet, partial joining of the second and third toes, incurved fifth fingers, gastroesophageal reflux, seizures, heart defects, cleft palate, bowel abnormalities, feeding difficulties, and developmental delay. Limb differences, including missing limbs or portions of limbs, usually fingers, hands or forearms, are also found in some individuals.

The GREAT NEWS is she does not have all the issues listed above...She is actually quite a cute little baby and has an infectious smile and lopsided grin. To most of our readers, CdLS probaby sounds daunting. But can you believe we were HOPING this was the issue and PRAYING it wasn't Fetal Alcohol Syndrome...??? CdLS I we can manage - but FAS we CANNOT handle.

Back Home

Glad to be back home from VT after a long Holiday weekend. We decorated our artifical Christimas tree today before we left. AK said the saddest thing: He hasn't ever had Christmas with his parents (Mom and Step Dad). I know we are at least his seventh foster home and this is his third stay with us. Yet he is still so loyal to both parents. Thanksgiving he called one of the relatives - they passed the phone around. I lost count at uncle/aunt number seven. Why haven't any one of them stepped up???? Why are the four kids with strangers again??? Each kid in a different foster home. How is this OK with them?? Or do they all have rap sheets and their own open cases with "The Division" that would prevent them from parenting the kids. Maybe the functional siblings have run far, far, away from the chaos and craziness...In any case, it was so fricking sad to hear him talk to all those people and not be with his family.

Cal FINALLY called his Mom today - he has only spoken to her once in over 3 weeks...he can call her twice weekly and has avoided it...not sure why??? Attaching here?? Divided loyalties??? Too painful to talk to Mom?? Passive Aggressive to let Mom know he is mad at her - and rightly should be! I talked with is therapist and expressed my concern about his lack of contact, the stolen wallet from school and his overall "regressing" with everyday routines and familiar tasks. Report card consistently mentions misssing works and incomplete assignments. We have an IEP this Friday to update his IEP from his old school to match the services at his new school. Hope to hear more about these missing assignments...

Bobby has been so cute - carrying around Alex's two cattens LEVI and NUGGET. They are no longer kittens - but not yet cats. Thus: a teenaged catten.....) and bouncing them over his shoulder and crooning to them just like we do with Baby Dee.
Nice to see him translating nurturing - particularly in light of his own abusive early years. We haven't had any meltdowns in a few weeks. Yippeeeee!!!!

The baby is so stinking cute - lots of noises and squeals of delight as she finds her fingers and toes....She is still only seven pounds - but is acting more and more like the four month old that she is... Genetics appointment Tuesday...Hoping she has a diagnosis...

Alex drove to his paternal Grandparents for Thansgiving where he saw aunts/uncles and cousins...but did not see his Dad, Step Mom and two younger half brothers. They are living in New Jersey, where they moved in Septemeber. He is planning on going there for Christmas since Dad bought hm a train ticket. Nice. Car insurance, college tuition, car payments, food money, living expenses, help with an emergency room visit bill, phone minutes....any of that would be even MORE appreciated than a train ticket....but I guess I should expect nothing less from his father. You think after all these years I could just let the anger towards his Dad go??AARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

On that bitter note - I'm going to finish unpacking.

The Very Best News

Waiting on the answering machine this afternnon was the very best news! A message from, Pat, the scheduling nurse at the GI practice...She got the baby in to see the Genetics Doctor the first week of December. We love Pat. Truly LOVE this woman. This is a miracle - as there is a wait of almost a year to get in. At our appointment last Thursday, I begged her to see what she could do to get us in - I could live with the baby moving to the other side of the state to be closer to Bio Mom if she at least had a diagnosis...But for DFS to make the baby start from scratch with a whole new team of doctors is just wrong. Pat understood. Love her, love her, LOVE HER!

Several people have mentioned a specific syndrome (1 per 10,00 births...) that accounts for a whole handful of her symptoms. She shares physical characteristics with others who have the syndrome - Looking at the photos in the literature - you'd think all the children were somehow related. So why is it important to know??? Remember she is not gaining weight and growing as she should??? Seven pounds nine ounces and will be four months old in a few days. If she is a "normal baby" then she is not even on the percentile charts she is so low...NOT GOOD. If she has this syndrome, she is in the 75% percentle for height and weight!!!! VERY GOOD. If she has this syndrome, we need to take care of some diagnostic tests to rule out some potentially life threatening GI issues....tests you would NOT run on a normal baby...so getting (or not getting) the diagnosis will be very important as to how we plan for her care. For example we are putting in a NG tube to slow infuse one extra bottle overnite - hoping that gives her a boost....The next step is a G tube- but I can't think about that now....The genetics appointment is HUGE. Absolutely HUGE.

Today was bliss. The baby napped and fed, and fed, and fed..and larned how to suck her thumb and poke herself in the eye at the same time...very cute and LOUD. The baby and I did not have to run around today like crazed women -Only one appointment: and the parent aide came and got the baby for a visit with Bio Mom. I took total advantage of the hour and a half and flew to the bank and Wal*Mart and flew back home. Cat litter, toothpaste, diapers...very exotic, I know!!!!

Tonight was Community Thanksgiving Dinner at The Other Mother's work (a youth development organization. The baby and I hunkered down in an office with one of those cozy, warm, blowing heater fans for the duration while the boys were put to work: Bobbby serving cranberry sauce and rolls, AK on beverages and Cal giving folks two tickets at the door: one for dinner and one for dessert. A splendid night - they served 180 folks - down from last year's count of 250.

I am tired and need some serious sleep. Looking forward to a pretty quiet day again tomorrow: Bobby has a play date with a friend, AK is chilling, and Cal has therapy tomorrow afternoon. The Other Mother and I actually have DATE NIGHT ??!!!!???? We are going out to dinner (with our chaperone: the baby, of course.....)

PS Are those just the cutest little chromosomes you've ever seen???

We Have Reached a New Level of Insanity

Today we celebrated Bobby's 11th Birthday. Two hours and sixteen minutes into the party and there are 23 children running around our yard and house SCREAMING. Why am I able to sneak upstairs and blog a paragraph during this madness?? Someone has to check on the sleeping baby.....I think I hear the beckoning call for cake and ice cream...Gotta go............

National Adoption Day Speech

Here's the speech we made today at our local courthouse where 15 children were legally joined with their adoptive families on National Adoption Day. It went pretty well - we actually made a State Senator cry. That's the good news - the sad news is there sre still about 2500 children in our state who are legally free for adoption and have not yet found their families....

Five Years ago, we had a plan to down size and move to Northern Vermont after our Bio son, Alex, graduated high school. Small town living. Work at the local hardware store. Live Simply. Attend Church suppers and country fairs. Gardening. Hikes in the Mountains. Walks along the lake. Peace. Quiet.

Who knew we would be here today.

Five years ago the school where I worked asked if we would foster a teenaged girl whose current placement fell apart. We said yes. We became a child specific foster home. Her worker is here today.

DFS asked if we’d do Foster Adoptive Parenting Training (FAPP) to become unrestricted foster parents. We said we were just going to do child specific foster care but we’d be glad to attend FAPP training. For us it was date night. Hey a chance to go out once a week and be with grownups.

We joined a foster support group and noticed we were the only ones at the table who hadn’t adopted. We told the group we were only fostering - we weren’t going to adopt.

After completing FAPP training we became an unrestricted foster home –but we reminded the Foster Family Social Workers we were only going to foster teenagers because that was our strength and what fit our lifestyle. Betsy is the Executive Director of a community based program that services youth and I worked with behaviorally challenged teens at the High School. So, for a long, long time we only fostered teens.

Then, three summers ago, eight year old Bobby came into our life. He was at our home for the weekend, visiting one of his older sisters (a teen who was with us in foster care) and asked if he could come live with us...He was at a residential treatment facility and knew he wanted a family.

We said we only did teens.

The next time he came for a visit, he asked the same thing. Again, we said we only fostered teens.

He wasn't buying it.

He knew.

With the encouragement of his Adoption Social Worker, Nonie -whom we lovingly call The Stork, he worked us until we said yes.

Now we have adopted him.

Who knew that after almost twenty years together we would want to grow our family?

Who knew?

Apparently, Nonie did.

Thank you, Nonie.

For the past five years we have told our social worker, and all the placement workers and adoption workers "No babies!!!" Our lifestyle is too busy. No babies.

Four to eighteen year olds: YES.
Teen boys: Absolutely YES.
Teen girls: a gun-shy reluctant and hesitant yes.
A sibling group of 3: Heck YES.
Anyone, but babies.
No Babies.

So Susan, our family Social Worker with the DFS, knowing all of this, still calls us about caring for a Baby and we say YES.

What was she thinking?

What were we thinking???

So, Here we are today with our lives revolving around a medically involved, premature, infant.

We chart her feeds and warm her bottles and measure her medicines. Rub her back and soothe her cries. Proudly commend her impressive belches and burps??? Who knew we needed a baby to love just as much as she needed us to help her get well?

Who knew????

Apparently Susan did.

Thank you, Susan.

Who knew we could foster and care for and love with the very core of our being, other people's children.

Damaged, sad, wounded, angry children with stories that no one should hear and few would believe.

Who knew we have open minds and can support and honor the bio-parent bond and not judge?

Who knew there are so many kids who need support and advocacy and a safe place to stay?

Who knew we have a capacity to love and care for these amazing, resilient, children for what ever time they are with us and then let them go?

Who knew we had the ability to open our hearts and our home and adopt a child and never let them go?

Who knew these children would come into our lives for weeks or months or years but would capture our hearts forever?

Who knew????

Apparently God did.

Thank you, God.

What A Week

I don't know where to begin... The flat tire this morning caused by an exacto blade stuck in the tire...AK sharing that Cal was showing the boys an exacto blade he found in my scrapbooking supplies located in Cal's room...When I searched Cal's room for the blade I found a stolen wallet belonging to a kid in his grade from his school. GREAT. So I brought the wallet to school and told the school he may be in possesion of a blade or two ( I had a set of 3 exacto blades for scrapbooking and they are not where they were a few weeks ago when I made CAL his scrapbook. CRAP. He confessed to stealing the wallet and they searched him and did not find any blades -so he just has Internal Suspension for 3 days. I then had to drive him to the courthouse for his regularly scheduled meeting with his probabtion officer. Perfect Timing. She was very nurturing and nice because I explained to her I think he is either trying to get kicked out of our house so he doesn't have to say goodbye - or he is trying to get sent to lock-up so he doesn't have to go home to Mom. He has NOT called Bio-Mom 3 out of the last 4 scheduled phone calls...Where he used to call Grandma daily, he has called twice since last Friday. Either way he is conflicted about leaving....GREAT. Should I feel flattered that the kid who slashed my tire really likes my cooking and doesn't want to go home????

There at the courthouse this afternoon were several folks from our foster parent recruitment team hanging our Tshirt display because tomorrow is National Adoption Day. They, of course, thought I had come to help, and sadly had to explain we were at the courthouse for business, not pleasure....GOOD TIMES.

Did I mention The Other Mother and I are supposed to be speakers at National Adoption Day tomorrow and we don't have a clue as to what we will say....Not a clue. Maybe I'll modify a blog post and we can take turns reading parts of it....

Yesterday Baby' Dee's Social worker announced how well Bio Mom is doing in her 7th stint at Drug Rehab that she is now ready for a more independent setting....All the way across the freaking state...That they'd probably move Baby Dee to a foster home closer to Mom and that it would happen soon. So Mom can still have her visits...this is her fourth child she is not raising....So lets's return the MEDICALLY FRAGILE FAILURE TO THRIVE INFANT to Mom. GREAT. This is as I am handing the Social Worker the list of the 17 medical and therapeutic professionals she has has appointments with in the just the past month she has been with us...Sure lets just start all over with a whole new set of doctors and specialists and lets just try and get an appointment before the holidays. What are they FREAKING NUTS?????!!!!! Don't Answer that.

I then had to tell the Other Mother that the sweet little Baby we have fallen head over heels for and quietly fantasize about raising to adulthood may be heading off to the other side of the state....The Other Mother had just this week succumbed to peer pressure and being called Grandma one too many times by folks admiring Baby Dee and had bought hair dye to hide the grey...I guess dying the hair to appear more like a Mother than a Grandmother is on hold....CRAP.

I had an molar abcess last Friday and had a tooth pulled last Saturday and I am still HURTING. I can't wait for the Other Other to get home from work each night so I can finally be "off duty" with the kiddos and take a tylenol with codeine to get some pain relief....I think I just need to go to bed....

Registration

Off to register AK for school at the local junior high while Baby Dee has a visit with Bio Mom withe their parent-aide. After we will all head to my least favorite/favorite store: W*lM*art, to outfit AK with some clothes, sneakers and a coat...then home because the Visiting Nurse comes this afternoon.

All in All...a very quiet day in my crazy upside down life....

A Toothless Grin and Gratitude

Like Baby - Like Mama.....Toothless that is.. I am soooo in love with my Dentist. He had novocaine for me ...lots and lots of novocaine.....SIGH... He agreed the tooth needed to go, and would have preferred me going to an oral surgeon - but it was Saturday morning after all....so he did his best and thankfully pulled my tooth. My tooth did not want to cooperate - so I am a bit bruised and swollen and in pain - but nothing like the pain yesterday...THANK GOD.

I am so grateful for modern medicine, particularly pain medicine. Definitely pain medicine. Ummmmmmmm. Yes.

I am grateful that my children were all super today - helpful, supportive QUIET, kind and easy going. All four of them. Baby included.

I am grateful that the Other Mother could go to work today to run her organization's fundraising HOLIDAY CRAFT FAIR and didn't have to stay home from work today because of the crazy logistics of getting me to the dentist at the same time as basketball try outs.

I am most grateful for our wonderful neighbors, Meg and Melinda. Meg called me at 8:00 this morning with a plan to take the kids so I could go to the Dentist unencumbered and Betsy could go to work. LOVE THEM. Melinda took Bobby and Cal to basketball tryouts and then to her office to help xerox and staple booklets for the afternoon. Meg came over our house with their 3 kids and watched Kevin and Baby Dee. She washed my dishes and unloaded my dishwasher. WOW. Meg and Melinda are DFS cleared so our kids can go next door and play, but we don't generally use each other as sitters....so their support today was extra special.

Three In The Morning

At the risk of sounding like a bad Frank Sinatra song. It is almost Three in the morning; there is no one else up except me and the baby snoring. Little Miss Dee, a teeny, tiny baby with a very LOUD wheezy/stridor/snore thing is keeping me company until the Tylenol with Codeine and the Ibuprophen kick in. Sweet Mother of God does my tooth and jaw hurt.

The Good News is, and you know there is ALWAYS Good News in our house, the Dentist will see me at 9:30am on a Saturday morning. Love my Dentist. Just love him.

The Bad News is that is six and a half LOOOONNNGG hours away from now.

The Reality is that my appointment is at the exact same time when The Other Mother is hosting a fundraising event at the agency where she is the Executive Director.

The Reality is I need to bring the baby to the appointment no matter what.

The Reality is that my appointment is at the exact same time when two of our three boys have basketball try outs at the local High School. This is the make-up day.

Yes you heard me right. Two of our THREE boys. Our family grew overnight: AK arrived last night for his third tour of duty as a foster child in our home. See yesterday's post for the specifics why he is back. Sad. Very sad. Anyhow.... The Recreation Dept. Basketball league upper division is for 5th & 6th graders. Perfect for Bobby and Cal. not so good for AK. AK is in 8th grade. So no Basketball. OUCH The Very Competitive Suburban League has REAL tryouts and started last month. AK is the same height as Bobby - but Bobby at 10 outweighs AK who is almost 14. So the Very Competitive League is not an option.....I think I'll call some Karate Dojos and Fencing Studios when I get back from the Dentist....AK so needs an outlet right now.

....Any how..Just another Saturday Morning Logistical Nightmare...At least it takes my mind off the pain.

Where To Begin????

Little Miss Baby Dee had her Gastro appointment yesterday. She is still not gaining as much as she should be considering the calories she is taking in. Three months and 7 pounds 6 ounces. Only has gained 2 ounces since last week. The Doctor, thankfully, decided not to hospitalize her. he said "the hospital is a very scary place right now" - referring to the flu outbreak and her weak and compromised health status. So they are ordering the NG tube back in so she can hook up to an overnight- ten hour infusion feeding pump. This should help give her a boost on gaining some weight. Nutritonist called and we are adding things to her formula to boost her calories- canola oil, rice and some sort of prescription mix. All I can think of is the protein powder that body builders use and I picture her all jacked up and muscle bound with bulging veins...looking like Charles Atlas in a diaper....Anyhow..... They ruled out Cystic Fibrosis and Downs Syndrome. The Doctor mentioned the name of a syndrome that Baby Dee has several characteristics of. I don't want to Jinx it so we need to wait on Genetics to be sure. That will take a few more weeks, at least.

Buksquat, I mean Bobby, had his 3 month Psychiatrist appointment today and we saw the clinic Director in the hallway - she announced the clinic has finally hired a therapist - a MALE therapist!!!! And Bobby will be assigned to him!!!! Bobby's therapist moved in JUly and the clinic could not find a good fit...so now Bobby will be back in therapy: YIPPPEEEE. Just in time cuz next week is National Adoption Day and his anniversary of being adopted one year ago and his birthday. GEESH. I am expecting some serious Full Scale Nuclear Meltdowns...

Cal is having twice weekly phone calls with bio Mom now. He has it in his mind he is going honme for Thanksgiving but cannot wrap his mind around the fact he may be in care longer. Like Basketball try outs are Saturday and he is signed up. Practices start in December and the first game is right before Christmas. On the one hand he is convinced he will be going home next week- and the other he wonders if he and Bobby will play on the same team. Overall he is regressing and is more like an eight year old than a 12 year old. ARGH.

The Other Mother got a call from a social worker supervisor regarding AK. AK - remember him? Average Kid (AK) - a 13 year old young man who was with us for most of the summer and returned home to Mom in August. Well in September Mom finally went to the doctor for painful lumps in her breasts. The sad news is she has Cancer that has spread. In October a social worker gave us a quiet heads up that AK understood Mom was sick and the kids may need to go back into care and he asked to be placed with us when the time comes. So end of October I take the boys for a ride after therapy to AK's town and "drop in" to say hi and bring them some photos of AK. Mom was happy to see us - hugs all around and disclosed her cancer and said "I thought I was done for and we wondered who could take all the kids and we you were the only one who could take them all" (Ak 13 and three sisters 7, 3 and 15 months) HOLY CRAP. What do you say to that??? I offered to have AK come for a weekend visit if she ever needed a little break and before leaving said call if you need anything. Oh my God. They were living in a one room studio with no heat. I cried quietly the whole way home. This poor woman. Now, Mom has several surgeries scheduled and the kids (AK and his 3 younger sisters) will be going back into Foster care while Mom has 3 surgeries, tries to get disability and finds an apartment with heat, and tries to survive her Cancer. This is so sad and horrible and wrong and painful. So the Social workers were calling today again because Mom was telling them she was sure we'd take all four. The Social Worker and they had to call Mom back to sadly explain we have since taken other children and that even though we have a big house we are full and only licensed for 4 children. So now this gravely ill woman needs to scatter her childen to the wind. CRAP. So tomorrow AK goes to school and says his Good Byes and then goes to DFS to hang out until 5. When the worker heads home at 5pm she will bring him to our house. One sister will be in a home and the two youngest will hopefully find a home together.

Buckshot - ALEX, my bio kid turned 20 yesterday. TWENTY- where does the time go??

I called my 22 yo foster daughter, "E", on the number she left the other day on on my answering machine. I was calling her to wish her a happy 22nd birthday. Yeah. Five of my kids are SCORPIOS. YIKES. This guy answers and when I say I must have a wrong number he says "..this is her FIANCE." Fiance - what the hell???? Better yet, WTF (Who's this fiance???)

Me- I have a sinus thing going and a throbbing abcess in my lower right jaw - a molar or two. I am hurting. Tylenol with Codeine is not even touching it. I am calling the Dentist first thing and begging to be put out of my misery.

The Other Mother is getting over the flu/cold/cough/hacking up a lung and is sleeping soundly. Where I should be. Sleeping.

Oh - and if you have not yet donated to Heartline Minstries and sponsored Corey from Watching the Waters please do so..She is running a marathon to raise money to buy an ambulance for a Haitian Women's clinic....check it out at http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/we-did-it/

I am soo tired and heading to bed.............

Who Knew???

Who knew we needed a baby to love? To just love??? To sit and oohh and ahhh over her every breath? To echo her every smile? Mimic her scrunched up nose? Gently hold her tiny, shaky, graspy, long fingered hands? Chart her feeds and warm her bottles and measure her medicines? Marvel at her toxic poops and bodaciously loud farts? Rub her back and soothe her cries. Proudly commend her impressive belches and burps??? Who knew we needed a baby to love? Just sit and hold and walk and pat and love, love, love??

How strange it is to NOT. Yes, to NOT. Not micro manage her behaviors. Not second guess her motivations. Not have a contingency response for her dysregulation. Not having to worry about regulating my own carefully modulated, non-reactionary, vocalized responses to her RADical, PTSD, ODD, etc. etc. behaviors. Not worrying about triggering events and trauma anniversaries? Not worrying about sexual reactivity and stealing and lying. Not charting meltdowns and filling pill dispensers with psych meds. She's a baby for heaven's sake! How very strange, indeed.

For a long, long time we said we'd only do teens. Then, three summers ago, Bucksquat, I mean, Bobby. His real name is Bobby. Bobby came into our life. He was visitng one of his three older sisters (a teenager who was with us in foster care) and asked if he could come live with us...he was at a residential treatment facility and knew he wanted a family. We said we only did teens. He wasn't buying it. He knew. With the encouragement of his Adoption Social Worker, Nonie -whom we lovingly call The Stork, he worked us until we said yes. Now we have adopted him.

Who knew? Apparently, Nonie did. Thank you Nonie.

For the past five years we have told our social worker, and all the placement workers and adoption workers "No babies!!!" Four to eighteen year olds: YES. Teen boys: YES. Teen girls: a gun-shy reluctant and hesitant yes. A sibling group of 3: Heck YES. Anything but babies. No Babies. So Susan, our family Social Worker with the Division of Family Services, knowing all of this, still calls us about caring for Baby Dee and we say YES. What was she thinking? What were we thinking??? Here we are today with a medically involved, premature, Failure To Thrive infant and are falling fast in love with her. ARGH!!!!!!!!

Who knew???? Apparently Susan did. Thank you Susan.

Who knew we could foster and care for and love with the very core of our being, other people's children. Damaged, sad, wounded, angry children with stories that no one should hear and few would believe. Who knew we have open minds and can support and honor the bio-parent bond and not judge? Who knew we have a capacity to love and care for these amazing, resilient, children for what ever time they are with us and then let them go?

Who knew???? Apparently God did. Thank you God.

Bigger Staff

Seven pounds four ounces. Three months old. No more NG tube feedings. 100% oral feeds - YIPPEEEE. Our little failure To Thrive is THRIVING!!!!

Saw the Pulmonologist yesterday - on our way to the Gastroenterologist now. Early Intervention was here this morning. Baby Dee has a wonderful Developmental Specialist from Nigeria who will show me, next time, the way they wear babies in her country as an adjunct to the fabulous sling we are using. Visiting Nurse will be here tomorrow morning. Her Parent Aide will pick her up for a visit with Bio Mom at lunch time. Still waiting to hear back from the Physical Therapist and Nutritionist.

GEESH.

This girl has a bigger staff than Michelle Obama!!!!

Seven Things About Me

Thanks to Lee http://familiesrbuiltwithlove.blogspot.com/ and Corey at http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/ who both nominated me for an award back in mid October (before we got the baby and life as we know it spiraled out of control.) Life has been just as crazy in my house as it is at any one of your homes. I don't know how we juggle what we do sometimes. But we do. And we do it with grace and humor. So not to add any pressure to all y'all out there who are struggling with keeping up with the dishes - but your readers want to know. So if you are reading this - consider yourself nominated and feel free to post about you....

7 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT READERS MAY NOT KNOW:

1) I used to go winter hiking and winter camping in the White Mountains. Winter adventures in the great outdoors. Now, not so much. Lately I am more likely to be found on the couch with a good book than slogging up a snowy mountain trail with 35 pounds on my back in 10 below weather.

2) Growing up, I could see the empire state building and NY skyline from my house in Jersey. Despite the big city New York/New Jersey influence - I am a small town girl at heart.

3) I've been married three times - third time's the charm (oh and finally figuring out I was a lesbian helped too. First time to was an impulsive college elopement with an exotic Iranian student - lasted about 8 months. Second time was to my best friend - we dated for two years and were engaged for three years before we married. We were married several years before we had our son and then. Well, then. Poof. Things fell apart. Sad. Very sad. Third time - The Other Mother and were friends at work and were surprised, shocked and very much freaked out when we finally figured out that we had fallen in love during the times we hung out together as I was trying to process the fall-out of my marraige. It took us about a year for us to get over the "God and Everyone Will Hate Us" denial and finally agree to give it a go...and here we are. After all these years together -the Other Mother and I finally decided to make it legal - because marraige between two women is legal in the New England State where we live. We've been married a year now and together almost 18 years. Bliss. Pure Bliss.

4) I have a Master's degree in Education but cannot program my VCR or my cell phone's answering machine. Wait. cell phones don't have answering machines. They have voice mail. See? I figure if I wait a while longer, VCRs will be obsolete and I won't need to feel so embarassed about not knowing how to use one.

5) I can live without music - but not without books. I need to be reading something all the time. even if I am not actively reading - I still have stacks of books all around. Magazines are good too..but books are better.

6) In my previous jobs I have met Lady Margaret Thatcher, Jackie Joyner Kersey, Elizabeth Dole, Walter Cronkite and Jimmy Buffett. I doubt any of them are blogging that they met me. Ten years ago, I gladly traded my more prestigous, well dressed, well traveled, well paid job for more time with my family. A trade well worth it. Like I said, I really am a small town girl at heart.

7) I'd like to live in the woods (Alaska? Maine? Minnesota? Vermont?)for a year (in a well stocked log cabin with lots of dry, split wood, great books and WiFi internet access of course. If I couldn't stay the whole year, and had to pick just one season, I'd make sure I was there for winter. A nice long, snowy, quiet cozy winter. Ummmm. Bliss.


So tell us all about you...we are all dyin to know....

The Doctor Won't See You Now

Little Miss Dee came home from the hospital late last night. She's on Tamiflu and a few other lovely meds. She was readmitted to the hospital on Sunday for hypothermia (95 degrees) and treated there for the flu - isolation/gowns/gloves etc. The house is strewn with her gear and equipment. We are all wearing face masks (the boys, begrudgingly so) and fighting to stay healthy. Gavage set ups, stethoscopes and Lysol Wipes in every room.

I am certain the baby's first words will be either "cover your mouth" or "wash your hands".

This morning I took Cal for his allergy testing (as part of his asthma work-up) and there was a huge sign on the office door "Plese do not enter this office if you have any of the following symptoms: fever, cough, cold, headache, body ache, diarreah, vomiting." So there I am with 2 of the symptoms and wearing a face mask at the threshold of the office trying to signal to the receptionist. See Cal is OK and he has the appointment. He isn't symptomatic. I am. I don't have the appointment. I'm just the ride. I waited outside for the her to confer with the Doctor. No go. No appointment. He's been exposed to me. So we rescheduled for next week.

Here I was thinking I was being all paranoid about the baby by keeping Cal and Bucksquat out of school this week because of the flu. Cal was in the ER last Saturday morning with flu symptoms and there are at least 130 kids absent at his school. Who needs the extra exposure?

Apparently I am not the only paranoid in town.

Too True Tuesday

Essie The Accidental Mommie at theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com asked First thing you would spend your lottery money on! Tell the truth! Spare us the crap about buying your kids a Carousel or paying off your parents mortgage. The REAL truth!

The truth - I am all about house and home and staying somewhat local. No exotic islands in the tropics for this girl. That said:

It is a 3 way toss up between Maine, Prince Edward Island and Vermont:

A farmhouse on Pleasant Bay in Addison, Maine or Lubec near Quoddy Light( pretty much anywhere Downeast - Washington County)


Or a seacoast farmhouse with green rolling hills down to the red clay beach on the ocean in Prince Edward Island, Canada


And a big ol farmhouse and acres of mixed land (woods/meadows/stream) in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont.


The clincher would be which place had a better library and better WiFi reception....

Tune Up

Took the little one to the pediatricians yesterday for her NG tube slipping out again from spitting up over the weekend (lovely)- She had the tube changed Friday because she had dislodged it by sneezing and coughing and doing this funky little jackknife move that would make an Olympic diver proud. Anyhow - her temperature was 97 when she arrived and her respirations were 60. Should be in the 40’s. Later during the exam her respirations were 64 with retractions and her temp was 95.5. Not good. Not good at all. The doc made some calls and PICU was waiting for us to drive on over. We didn't need to stop at the desk - just head on up to intensive care. Soon. The doctor thought she should go back to the hospital for a little tune up. OK. Tune up.

Isn't a tune up something you do to a car???

They are trying to figure out what her deal is - why her little body won't grow as it should and why she doesn't seem to be able to regulate her systems. I'm glad she is at the large hospital - when we "checked in" on the floor, the nurses remembered her and thought she looked like she had gained weight...The child-life coordinator (like a concierge) even remembered which mobile she liked and got her favorite little Fisher-Price musical thingy set up on the crib. While the staff were finishing her vitals and admission I went in the bathroom and threw up. Ummmm.... that nausea and headache I'd had all day was clearly NOT from lack of sleep. Yup The Flu. Lovely. I notified staff and scored a mask and some ginger ale and sat way on the other side of the large room until they finished asking me the necessary admissions questions. Baby Dee had the room all to her self. She looked so tiny.

I headed home to the guest room and have been popping white Tylenol and red Ibuprophen like they were Good-n-Plenty candies and have slept mostly of the last 24 hours.

The Other Mother has been playing nurse to us all. Love that woman. Just love her.

When I got up to heat leftovers for dinner Cal thought I should do something with my hair and it might make me feel better. I took a look in the mirror and realized I was one scary looking Foster Mama and headed for the shower.


Cal is still banished to the family room downstairs (with 2 TVs - Guitar Hero, Video games and 3 couches ----- could someone banish me there for a few days...please????? He had flu symptoms Friday: runs/vomiting/fever 103.7 and whistling asthma noises...his pediatrician sent him to the ER Friday night. We arrived at the ER at 1am Saturday and were triaged about an hour and twenty minutes later. He had a hard time understanding that he may have been the sickest person in our house, he clearly was NOT the sickest person in the ER. He was so tired and so sick – he just lay on the linoleum floor in front of the vending machines and slept. I took photos of him laying there in his pajamas and face mask on the linoleum floor. At least laying on the cold floor brought his temp down. Somewhere around 3:30 they put us on a gurney in the hall near x-ray. At 4:00 he had a chest x-ray and was seen by a doctor at about 5:30. The doctor said he didn't have pneumonia and prescribe Tylenol and Ibuprophen for him - but had to go calculate the proper dose of Ibuprohen...Cal is 5' 3" and 150 pounds. Cal was maybe 2 inches shorter than the good doctor but weighed about 10 pounds more....It took the doctor 45 minutes to “calculate” Cal needed 3 Ibuprophen. Great. Now can we go???? Because there aint no Tylenol or Ibuprophen here..... HOLY SMOKES was I glad to get him home and back cozy on the couch....

Cal has court tomorrow. It's not looking good that he'll go home. When I told his Social Worker that Cal had an appointment with his therapist later in the day, after court, she said “good – because I think he’s gonna need it” GREAT. His Social Worker won't be there but the supervisor will. Cal spoke to Grandma tonight. Apparently, Cal's mostly absent/uninvolved bio Dad has flown up from a far-away-southern state to lend moral support. Cal is mad and does not want his support or to see him or talk to him.. I think he is afraid he will be sent to the far-away state to live with Bio Dad. He visited Bio Dad over the summer - flew down and spent a week. I think this was his first time spending time with him since he was real little. So he hung up with Gram and had a good cry in the Family Room. Poor kid.

So Cal is on the mend from the flu and now Bucksquat has a little cough going (not uncommon for him after playing soccer...but I am being an optimist) I can't go back to the hospital for a day or so after I am symptom free....In the meantime I know she is well cared for and Bio Mom is visiting her tonight with staffing support. I'm glad Baby Dee’s not alone.

Calendar Girl

Visiting Nurse today. Social worker this evening. Cardiologist appointment tomorrow morning. Pediatrician Friday morning. Early Intervention Friday late morning. Pediatirc Gastroenterologist Monday morning. Pulmonologist first week in Nov. Geneticist will call us to set appointment once results are in.

Hmmmmmm. I'm gonna need a bigger calendar.

BIONIC ROBO BABY MEETS THE MOMMIES

The hospital called yesterday morning and said they'd be able to discharge Baby Dee -if I could come in for one more feeding to learn how to do her regular and NG tube feedings. When I arrived she was downstairs in neurology having a sleep study (kinda like an EEG). Oh My Goodness!!! - she was hooked up to about a bazillion little wires attached to leads all over her head and face and other leads and different interesting wires taped to her nostrils...in additon to the usual leads and wiress taped to her chest. She also had wires between her toes and an oxygen monitor on her other foot. She looked like a bad science fiction movie version of BIONIC ROBO BABY. Seriously - and trying to reposition her for feeding without tangling her was almost like following a complicated knitting pattern.

The Good News is (and if you've read my blog long enough you know there is ALWAYS Good News) now that I've seen her all hooked up to the machinery - when you take the wires and monitors away she is just a lttle baby...and I do mean LITTLE. She is still a little over 6 pounds at three months. YIKES.

She has pretty labored breathing that changes to gasps with fairly loud stridor (squeaky wheezy gaspy whistle sound...) Dee has some vomiting skills that would make fraternity boys blush. The good news is with her gaspy loud breathing you at least know she is breathing!!!! When she's quiet you need to worry.

From there we proceded to finish off her feeeding through her naso gastric tube (NG tube. It's process for such a little peanut: checking for placement with stethoscope anda small syringe, feeding with a large syringe, venting gas, flushing with a small syringe and such. We do her medicine through the NG tube as well.

We made a discharge plan to return after 5pm to meet with DFS social worker and her team to go over final instructions. I left the hospital and ran a few errands before picking up Cal at school for therapy. OK I went to Babies R Us to find the exact little Fisher Price sound/light machine she had attached to her hospital crib so she would have familiar sounds.....Then home to start dinner until the sitter arrived for the boys.

I didn't leave the hospital until almost 8:30 because she had a few odd episodes - mottling of her skin then going cold and clammy...then her extremities blanched grey white (she's biracial so this localized color change was obvious) but would refill. After we calmed down she decided to impress us with some mucousy vomiting and turning purple and getting very hot and dry. NICE. Then it took 12 minutes to get two vials of blood for more genetic testing. OUCH. Finally we got to leave!!!

The Good News is now I've seen some of her more impressive quirks, I have a much better understanding of the wide array of medically confusing issues she can present in a short amount of time.

Well, we made it through the midnight, 3 and 6 am feedings...but I never did get my nap.....

Finally, Some Baby News

FINALLY!!!!! News from the hospital this afternoon - they are NOT discharging Baby Dee until Wednesday mid-day. I have been pacing and pacing and waiting and waiting!!!!! Wednesday will be a big meet up at the hospital with Social Workers, Supervisors and Division oF Families Nurses and The Other Mother and me....for training and planning....

They will discharge baby Dee to us with oxygen but will remove the NG tube prior to discharge. She still is not gaining weight and they are concerned overall about her ability to effectively feed and gain weight - she has trouble with 2 ounces every two hours...very sluggish.

That leaves me a day or so to get a few more things done that will be challenging with a little one and when I am sleep deprived. Maybe I should go take a nap.

Adoption - Everyone is Doing It

Tonight while I was cooking dinner Cal and Bucksquat were watching SpongeBob. Yes. Sponge Bob. Don't ask - we have free cable for a month.

Cal: I don't get it. How can a crab have a whale?
Bucksquat: Maybe he adopted.
Me: Who had a whale?
Cal: Mr. Crabs
Me: What?
Bucksquat: Mr. Crabs. His daughter is a whale but he's a crab
Me: Oh.
Cal: Yeah. I don't see how.
Bucksquat: Maybe adoption.
Cal Hmmn...
Me: Oh.

OK. I don't know which is stranger. The fact that they were discussing the genetic improbability of a crab birthing a whale, or that they found a way to explain it.

Waiting and Wishing

I paced all morning and busied myself with errands waiting for the phone call to pick up the baby. Finally in the early afternoon, the hospital decided that baby D is much sicker than they thought. The good news is the hosiptal is keeping her for the weekend and will make a discharge determination on Monday. The longer she is in the hospital, the better their chances of figuring out what is up with her. They've at least ruled out heart problems. They think it might be genetic or GI so they are doing more testing.

Anyhow: The hospital social worker said if baby D can tolerate feedings, she will need to be on oxygen when feeding. Otherwise they'll do a naso-gastric tube which she'll keep in after discharge. The hospital social worker thought she should be discharged to a medically skilled foster home. Yeah. So do we. Apparently there are not any around here - otherwise they wouldn't be thinking of placing her with us...YIKES. This is more than a little reflux and Failure To Thrive. She needs to be where she'll get the best care - even if it means, sadly, that she'll be too far away to frequently see her bio-Mom.

The Other Mother and I were relieved baby D is getting the best care in a hospital setting- and relieved to know it is a medical thing - not lack of food/care from her Mom. Our two boys were a little sad that she wasn't here when they got home from school. Tomorrow I think I need to re-explain that the baby is very very sick and she may be too sick to come home to our house and may need to go to a house where there is a nurse all the time. I think the boys have it in their minds they are going to teach her football next week...I think I need to re-explain it to myself as well. I sort of feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride.

It was a crazy 24 hour rush of borrowing things from our neighbors and heading to WalMart for basic basic baby supplies like diapers and blankets and onesies. Now we have our house outfitted with changing stations on each floor, a swing in the kitchen, a wrap around bolster next to the recliner, a bouncy chair in the living room, a basket of bottles in the kitchen, a diaper bag in the van and at the back door and a cradle and a little clothes nightstand in our bedroom.. A great email to/from Dia on diapers and sling advice, a trip this morning to two libraries to get books on premie care, attachment parenting, basic baby care, ....we have everything but the baby. It is all very Strange.

Which brings me to the next issue. Now DFS knows that even though we said NO NO NO BABIES we were (and still are) willing to take a medically challenged infant. Even if baby D does not come to our home on Monday, I probably shouldn't put the baby supplies away just yet.

A baby???

Tomorrow morning I drive to a large hospital here in New England and after training and consults will pick up a tiny little baby. She is about 6 pounds. Six pounds is a good size for a newborn - except this little girl is several months old.

She has some medical problems and sometimes stops breathing. She is considered failure to thrive and they are testing her for many other problems. At just a few months, she has been in the hosital several times and already has specialists and Visiting Nurses that come to the program where she was living with her Bio Mom and school aged brother. Bio-Mom has Developmental Disabilites and is living in a drug rehab shelter very near to our home. Less than a mile, actually. According to the Visiting Nurses, Mom loves her baby and they are bonded. Bio-Mom is doing the best she can - and right now the Shelter Staff, Nurses, Doctors, Social Workers and Courts think that isn't good enough. That isn't safe enough. Her baby stops breathing. Mom can't safely care for her. My heart breaks for Mom.

I'd like to think the reason we were called was because DFS knows how hard we work to support reunification plans and our willingness to coach and mentor the parents of the children we care for. Our ongoing relationship with RADISH and his family is a good example. DFS also knows we are experienced and comfortable working with folks with Mental Retardation. The Other Mother and I have both worked for many years with folks with a variety of cognitive and physical challenges. That may be a plus, but that's not why they are placing this baby with us.

I'd like to think it is because we are experienced with medically fragile infants. But the truth is we are not.

I'd like to think it is because we are experienced at fostering infants. But the truth is we haven't had an infant in our home since Buckshot was a wee babe almost twenty years ago. Our skill set is RAD, PTSD or Crazy Teens. Not babies.

I'd like to think it is because we caught the baby bug and asked for infants. But the truth is we just yesterday afternoon had our annual re-licensing evaluation where we told out family social worker that we would take boys 5-18, and would be comfortable adopting older teen boys or a sibling group of 2-3 boys. Only boys. DFS prefers not to place boys and girls together, and we already have Bucksquat and Cal. A housefull of boys. A housefull of brothers. A housefull of teens. Anything but babies.

I'd like to think it is because our Social Worker didn't hear us or ignored us. But the truth is we saw her again, last night, at our monthly Foster Parent Support Group training night. Good training. GREAT trainer. We have heard this trainer speak before and just LOVE her. She brought her stinking cute baby and the six of us moms and our social worker took turns holding, cuddling, bouncing and making ridiculous noises to entertain this sweet little guy. After playing pass the baby we again reminded our Social Worker "no babies".

So today our Social worker called and asked us to take a medically challenged infant.

Why??? Do you want to hear the sad truth or the happy truth first???

The Happy Truth for this litle baby and Mom is we can support their bonded parent relationship through frequent visits because we live less than a mile from Bio-Mom's Shelter and just a few minutes from a very good hospital. We are willing to be trained, willing to have Visiting Nurses in our home, willing to try. GOOD JOB DFS!!!

And the Sad truth??? The Sad Truth is that we were the best option for this little girl and her Mom. The Sad truth is there are not enough foster families out there who are skilled, willing and able to care for the wide range of folks most in need.

Please, Please, Please ask someone you know to consider becoming a foster parent.

Better Call DCF

Bucksquat's PTSD often manifests itself with irratation, explosion and blame on an imagined, real or inflated injustice. There is an accusation or two, follwed by some screaming, raging, slamming and crying. Fun. He usually targets one person as the focus of his rage. Lucky Cal was the winnner last Wednesday. Bucksquat was screaming loud in the car after his soccer match and midway through decided it was all Cal's fault that Bucksquat suddenly had a headache. Michael and Adam suggested he shouldn't be so loud if he had a headache. It quickly went downhill from there. Instant meltdown. FUN

Cal, last Wednesday, on his third day at the new school in our town, got into a swearing match with a kid. Cal was called the N word (Cal is bi-racial). This happened when a teacher left the room to copy and left the substitute aid in charge. That's not WHY it happened - just WHEN it happened. It quickly got out of hand and Cal and the other boy received ISS (In School Suspension). Yeah. Nice first impression. He then tried to cover like nothing happened in school. This was all follwed by the Bucksquat altercation. FUN.

Cal and Bucksquat's consequence (for the meltdown and ISS) was to frost, decorate and serve us dessert: cupcakes and these cute little cupcakes stuffed into an ice cream cone that I had baked earlier....We had our chice of cupcake or cupcake in a cone and our choice of beverage. Yum. They joined in of course - but the idea was to make them work cooperatively and deal with each other first- and make our lives more pleasant as a result of their cooperation. FUN.

Thanks to all you AMAZING blogging Moms who have shown us how to switch it up. This was wayyyyy more yummy than sending them to their rooms.....

There is some serious Vanilla Funfetti with Rainbow Sprinkled discipline going on in our house. Better call DCF (Department of Cakes and Frosting).....

Hoarding

Lee's post earlier this month at http://familiesrbuiltwithlove.blogspot.com/ reminded me about our own family's experiences with hoarding. Last year, through a nearby University, our family was asked to participate in a research study on hoarding behaviors in children in the foster care system. Haven't heard what this research project found out - but I can share our personal experiences.

One of our older daughters was/is a food hoarder. Candy wrapers, bags. Did you know cranbery juice makes a lovely tourquoise mold???? Ummmm. Any how, after the dog barfing in her room a few times, we had to ask that she keep her food stash in a clear plastic shoe box container - up high, so the dogs wouldn't get into it. She could still have it/see it/get the comfort/but we didn't have to deal with the dog-sick and mess in her room. Also what she hoarded/actually ate/binged on was a good barometer to her current mental health and anxiety levels. Wish I could say the clear shoe box was our idea - but we heard it at a New England Regional Foster Parent Conference.

Bucksquat's hoarding is little more complex. He happily hoards his candy when other kids would want to eat it. Who doesn't eat Halloween candy for goodness sake???? He is comfortable just having it in the cabinets and not eating it. It doesn't need to be in his room.

He also hoards games/toys. If he gets a present, say for Christmas or his Birthday, it will sit on the top shelf of his closet - often with the cellophane wrapper still on. He may take it down and attempt to play a turn-taking game designed for four players, solo. Alone. He'll then put the game back on the shelf where it will sit, and not get touched by anyone else.

Another example is a model car kit - he LOVEs automobiles. You'd think he'd want to assemble it. Nope. For two years the pieces from the kit sat in the colorful birthday bag on the top of his closet. He was happy hoarding the pieces...and did not need an assembled car.

My hoarding is a little more socially camouflaged. For example. I am a quilter. Therefore I have a large fabric stash. I don't understand it myself, but if you know a quilter, you have seen how collecting fabric can be a problem. Of course, We don't think it is a problem. Not one little tiny bit.

I have also been known to come home from TJ M*XX with several of something. Recently: five scrapbooks (they were regularly $19.99 and I got them for $3.00 each on clearance. Wouldn't they make great Christmas presents for Bucksquat and his 3 sisters this year???? A whole theme gift...maybe with little disposable cameras, cool art paper and glue sticks and such....)

My other favorite way to hoard is to grocery shop bargains. I buy what we eat and regularly use - I just "stock up" when it is on sale. The Other Mother teases me when I bring home yet another 12 pack of toilet tissue to store in the closet - or under the bed. Scott Tissue, On Sale - $3.00 off the regular price!!! "Oh yeah, right -like we are suddenly going to stop needing to buy toilet paper" - I rationalize to myself... So what if there are 4 other packages already under the bed. It was ON SALE for goodness sakes!

We are still trying to figure out how to approach this hoarding thing. For now, the Other Mother looks the other way when I come home from TJ M*xx or W*lM*rt and is resigned to the fact that we will NEVER run out of toilet paper

B.H.A.G.

A new vocabulary word: B.H.A.G. Let me explain. The Other Mother, an Executive Director of a large non-profit organization had a Strategic Planning Session yesterday with her Board of Directors facilitated by a Regional person from the Big National Organization. Anyhow - after much thoughtful discussion, clarifying excercises and mindful processing, the Facilitator challenged the Board to write down and articulate their B.H.A.G. Pronounced Bee-HAG.....

I never heard of it. Bee Hag???? What on earth is a Bee Hag.

Well, Dear Readers...A BHAG is a BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOAL. Where you want to go...what you want to do...and how are you gonna get there....step by step...

I think I need to get me one of those......

Tonight and Tomorrow

Tonight we try to collect, wash and fit all their stuff back into their backpacks. Tomorrow, after school, Michael and Adam head back to their foster home after a week of respite at our house. We will miss them and have let them know they are welcome back for a visit anytime. Great teens. It was so nice having a house full of boys and young men....

Check out Shanti's blog

Check out Shanti's blog http://wechoseadoption.blogspot.com/

An Award!!!!!

Cool! Essie, the Accidental Mommy was sweet enough to nominate several of her blogging friends for an award! I am pleased to return the favor by nominating some amazing blogging folks below.

This award does come with a few rules;
Copy and paste this onto a new post in your blog. Write your own answers to the questions below. Remember -you can only use one word answers! (It is just too hard for some answers!) Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers by including their links! Post on your blog. Alert them that you have given them this award. Simple. So go ahead get started.... Have Fun!
_______________________________________________________
Where is your cell phone?- Someone needs to call it – car.
Your hair? -wispy
Your mother?- smart
Your father? – kind
Your favorite food?- pasta
Your dream last night?- relaxing
Your favorite drink? coffee
Your dream/goal? – a house full
What room are you in?- bedroom
Your hobby?- quilting
Your Fear?- mediocrity
Where do you want to be in 6 years? – Vermont
Where were you last night? – Foster Parent Recruitment Meeting
Something that you aren’t? shy
Muffins? Morning Glory
Wish list item? Ford F150
Where did you grow up? New Jersey
Last thing you did? baked cupcakes
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? off
Your pets? catsndogs
Friends? understanding
Your life? rich
Your mood? satisfied
Missing someone? yes
Vehicle? mini-van
Something you’re not wearing? watch
Your favorite store? Kohls
Your favorite color? Green
When was the last time you laughed? dinner
Last time you cried? yesterday
One place that I go to over and over? Cape Cod
One person who emails me regularly? Patty
Favorite place to eat? Friendly's

I am going to nominate the six bloggers below - so we can get to know you better. Be sure to check out their blogs and Essie's too:

Here they are:
http://nottheusualtickingclock.blogspot.com/
http://familiesrbuiltwithlove.blogspot.com/
http://buckfieldzmadmomma.blogspot.com/
http://fostermamas.blogspot.com/
http://eyesopenedwider.blogspot.com/
http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/

Special Thanks to Essie at http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/

License and Registration Ma'am

I am mortified that I deleted a perfectly lovely comment from some nice reader named Karen. Sorry. I clearly still don't know which button does what. I should probably get some sort of a blogging ticket-or at least a warning!!!

The Sense God gave You

Cal switched schools this week. No more driving 45 minutes each way, twice a day. I'm thinking of getting a part time job with Fed Ex or some other long-haul trucking outfit...I am so used to sitting in the car for a good 3 hours a day I am lost without driving....

Anyhow -
While waiting for the school bus with Cal at the bottom of the driveway this morning he starts complaining about how cold he is. Of course he is cold. He is wearing nylon gym shorts and a T shirt and it is raining out. Remember we live in New England. It is Fall. It is freaking COLD in the mornings. On top of the COLD, it is DAMP and WET because it is raining.

For several months now, there has been major construction happening on our street as they widen the road and lay new pipes. Big yellow noisy construction vehicles are digging and beeping and growling each morning. Backhoes and Excavators are everywhere, along with the big burly men who drive them. Please note: the big burly construction men are wearing hooded sweatshirts over their T orange T-shirts and blue jeans. Not shorts and T shirts. Sweatshirts and pants.

Cal: When is the bus coming? I'm cold.
Me: Where's your jacket?
Cal: Nah, I'm good. I'm just cold.
Me: Look at that man over there what is he wearing?
Cal: Green.
Me: What else?
Cal: Orange.
Me: HE's wearing a sweatshirt and pants and he's working hard and moving around. All you have on is shorts and T shirt. You're dressed for summer!
Cal: Well Yeah. I get hot in school.
Me: You don't eat breakfast then say you are hungry. You don't wear a jacket and say you are cold.
Cal : Ummmm.
Me: Ummm-Hmmm. Honey you are NOT using the sense God gave you.
Cal: Yes I am.

Just not today.

Buckshot and Bucksquat

Ok The Buckshot- Bucksquat thing works in real life but is NOT working on my blog. I keep mixing up their names....which makes for strange posts I am sure. BuckSQUAT (the 10 year old) is having the super crazy meltdowns lately- Buck SHOT is doing well as a college student living in Vermont. I just had to go back and edit yesterday's post UNHINGED to get the names straight.

Buckshot and Bucksquat are terms we use lovingly - though some readers may take offense. It started first when our oldest Alex was nicknamed Buckshot by some of his friends in high school and it sort of stuck...Why he is called that I really don't know...

Bucksquat is a shorter version of Buckshot...thus the "squat". Again, no offense meant.

But I am going to have to come up with better names......

Unhinged

Busy night here. Right before dinner there was a fist fight between the two new boys here on respite. Their foster Mom said sometimes they can get physical - then they get over it. Great. I told them I didn't care what it was about or who started it - the rule here is we don't lay hands on you and you don't lay hands on anyone else. This is a safe house and you can't feel safe if people are going around hitting one another.

Bucksquat had yet another meltdown tonight. This was way before Adam and Michael went at it. Bucksquat was slamming doors. Swearing. Saying how horrible we were. Etc Etc. You know the drill. The Other Mother took her trusty hammer and screwdriver and took his bedroom door off the hinges. There it sits on it's side resting against the dining room table. In our house if you scream and slam doors, you lose the privelege of having a door. Very concrete consequence and makes the point.(I just love her!) He freaked out began barricading his door with furnitue and push pinning a sheet over the door. He's resourceful if nothing else. He didn't like it when we wouldn't let him unscrew his coat hooks off his bedroom door. Oh well. He went and sat outside on the covered front porch in the rain until dinner. He ate with us and after dinner thought he'd stroll on downstairs for some video games. UMMMM No. Go sit at the table. We need to talk.

There is so much going on with him that I don't know where to begin - I read another blog describing how on a visit with other RAD families their son was tring to triangulate...They could have been writing about my kid. ARGH. I get that it is part of his RAD and PTSD but I am so NOT OK with his escalating meltdowns and upping the ante..He has gotten physical..he won't be 10 and 95 pounds forever.

For now we are keeping him close and have taken most of his stuff out of his room and placed it in storage tubs in the basement. He has his books, all the things on his wall and family photos. We just packed up what was on the desk and bureau and the toys on the floor. He clearly is having trouble managing his life- and we said we'd help him.

We told him he was out of control and we'd help him get back in control. He would stay close to us. Tonight he could sit at the table or go to bed. He sat at the kitchen table tonight after supper while the Other Mother sat at the table and finished the Dan Brown book she had been reading. I filed bills at the big desk on the other side of the kitchen. My Goodness he just didn't stop. Time "IN" with him is such a chore. He is so hard to tune out. Every 30 seconds he'd try to engage "You hate me" "You are making my life horrible" "Why did you ever adopt me" "I hate you". So from 6:30 - 7:30 he just went on and on and on. And on. I gave him reminders that he needed to SIT the table (he was laying upside down in the chair with his head under the table and feet in the air.. and he had to be QUIET....I set the timer at 7:30 for an hour and had to start it over a few times. each time he'd start in "When will I get my door back" "You suck", the timer would go back to 60 minutes. He needed to do 60 minutes QUIET to balance out his 60 minutes LOUD...

Finally he did it....and was finished at 8:47. Just in time for the BRUSH nad FLUSH to get ready for bed. I told him his behavior was unacceptable and if he continued and chose to act like that again he could expect his nights looking very similar to how he spent tonight. Finally once he was in bed he broke down crying "I miss my room" ARGGHHHH. I am sooooo tired.