Any Book Suggestions?

One of the women from our foster/adoption support group emailed me. She and her husband will be adopting "Jennie" in November. I told her that we would pass their email along in the hopes that one of you, dear readers, may have a suggestion to offer.

"We are looking for good book recommendation for a 4 yr old girl who is being adopted and doesn't really understand the whole forever family/adoption scenario. She has attachment issues and has been in many foster homes in her short life. Any suggestions??

Thanks!!!!

Catcher's Mitt

After school today, on the ride to his first therapy appointment, I had to break the very sad news to Cal that the Division of Families had called this morning and told me they had faxed all the paperwork for him to switch schools and he would soon attend middle school in our town. School was the one stable thing after being uprooted and it pains me to see him have to experience yet another loss. He cried. He clearly and coherently stated: "It isn't fair!" - "Why are they punishing me?" - "It isn't right because I didn't do anything". His heart was breaking. His heart is breaking.

Cal had his first therapy appointment today - I really like the therapist (John). We all met for a few minutes at the beginning. I gave him the rundown on Cal having to switch schools - and asked how could we best support Cal through this transition. He is a great kid with much on his plate. Together with his therapist, Cal came up with a plan for saying goodbye at his school that gives him some control while protecting his dignity and privacy.

Cal calls his Grandmother everyday afterschool - so we called her after therapy. She told him on speaker phone that his (bio) Mom is in the hospital for some tests and has an infection. Bio-Mom has a regular gastroenterologist monitoring a chronic conditon and this may be a flare up of that. Regardless- Cal was worried for his Mom but more worried that if she was in the hospital that meant she couldn't be out looking for a job or an apartment to get him back as soon as he had hoped........ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm going to WALMART tomorrow and buying Cal a brand new catcher's mitt. Just in case there is anything else the universe would like to throw at this kid.

Bigger Fish To Fry

The Reality News:
I continue to be truly amazed at the actual quantity of liquid our bladders are able to expel when compared the miniscule amount they are able to hold. As a result, I have become one with my washing machine.

The Good News
Physically the young man is tip-top condition. No infection, no injury, no malformations (we drive the distance to his regular medical center so previous records and ultrasounds are on file). Various strategies have not worked it has been years. As a result, the Doctor prescribed a bed wetting alarm pad for us to try.

The Annoying News
It will take Health insurance about three weeks to approve it once they receive the letter of medical necessity from the medical supply company.

The Best News:
Yesterday, after leaving the doctor's appontment, I called Behavioral Health to set up an intake appointment for therapy for CAL. He really needs someone to help him through all the stuff he has going on. Miracle of miracles - there was a cancellation - and they could see us TODAY. Can you freakin' believe it????????????? I was expecting the usual "We can see you in six weeks..." YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEE. Oh, and it gets better: He's a GUY (male therapists are sadly under-represented in our part of New England.) He was perplexed about which Doctor sent us since it wasn't in the file. I said no one sent us. I just called for an intake and the receptionist said there was a cancellation for today and I just took the appointment. Hmmmmm. He thought it was interesting we randomly landed with him because, guess what happens to be one of his his special areas: UMHmmm- OH Yeah!!!!!! ENEURISIS!!!!!!.

The Strange News:
Even though I should be all happy and exciting about the new bed wetting expert in our lives - I'm a little worried this will create a red-herring focus to Cal's therapy. Cal will be the first to tell the kind Doctor he really has other, if not bigger, fish to fry than wet sheets every night. He's had wet sheets every night for as long as he can remember. The therapist is all excited about bed wetting and I am thinking like - a wet bed is the least of this boys woes right now: how experienced are you with the trauma being taken away from home in your pajamas and placed in a jail cell??? the trauma of entering foster care? sexual abuse? neglect? probation?violence? truancy? over parentifiation? hunger? depression? Pick one..heck, pick two....HOLY CRAP.


PEEEEE ESSSS (get it???? Peeee S??? PS????)
Just as a general disclaimer and reminder it is just an audible alarm - not an electric shock torture device. The pad senses moisture and sounds an noisy alarm. The idea is simply to wake the peeing sleeper before they have emptied thier bladder, giving them a chance to stop the flow and get up and go....

Trauma Annniversary To You

Our youngest is having some big time PTSD issues: Mostly around reactions MUCH bigger than the situation warrants. It happens here and there pretty much year round - but we have noticed a significant change in August. It was the end of August the first year he joined us at age 8. It was all of August last year at age 9. This year, age 10, he started the third week of August and continues today heading towards late September. He has amped it up with swearing and getting physical. FUN.

He's already had it out with the playground monitors and the lunch lady. Now, the bus driver has assigned him a permanent seat right behind the bus driver sitting with the first graders. He's in 5th grade. At home we see even more of his PTSD reactions.

August. At least 3 years in a row. Hmmmmm. Every 5 days. Every 4 days. every 3 days. Every day.

You all know the drill: The over reaction, the random explosion, screaming, disregulation, slamming, crying, sobbing, hyperventilating, collapsing, sulking, then pretending like it never happened. Then the hypervigilance, irritability, the paranoia and the cycle starts anew. Over and Over.

FUN.

Our Social Worker suggests the reason we are seeing cyclical spikes in our youngest's behavior is because of a trauma anniversary.

She said it would be interesting to check the case files.

I said maybe the next time she was in the office and had a chance she could check.

She said Since she has 6 cases to finalize, so probably not unitl after National Adoption Day in November.

I said at least then she might have a little break.

She said she'd just get more cases.

I said thanks.

Hmmmmm.

Sung to the tune of Happy Birthday:

Trauma Annniversary To You.

Trauma Annniversary To You.

Trauma Annniversary Dear _______.

Trauma Annniversary To You.

My Most Recent WalMart Receipt

I thought sharing a few of the items found on my most recent WalMart receipt would give an indication why I have not been blogging in the past week.


Purex Bleach
Purex Laundry Detergent
Body Wash
Shampoo
Mattress Cover
Mattress Cover
Twin Vinyl Fitted Mattress Cover
Twin Vinyl Fitted Mattress Cover
Depends Underwear Men's Medium
Depends Inserts
Good N Plenty
Good N Plenty

Ok. So the Good N Plenty were for The Other Mother and me. Yup. Both boxes. Both.

Hot Sauce

Well. Today's news - Not one of the biological and extended family members identified as a resource were willing or able to take Cal: other obligations, no room, too many kids, sketchy background etc. How sad for him. We said we'd gladly have him stay until things get straightened out. Hopefully that will be next week when they go to court.

The ride to school wasn't as long as I thought. Less than 45 minutes. Thankfully. He was pretty nervous about returning to school after not being there and worried if people would know he was in foster care. I assured him I'd pick him up early from school so no one would see him getting in a strange car at dismissal. He was very appreciative. Meanwhile the Social worker called and had arranged a visit with Mom. I picked Calvin up a half hour early at school and we headed to the Division of Families for a visit with Mom. He was thrilled. They hugged and cried.

He is a funny, inquisitve, reflective, and polite young man. We were sitting near the tennis courts while watching soccer tonight and he says. "I'm really glad I'm not a tennis ball." Yep. Me too.

Did I mention he has a cast iron stomach? We picked up frozen chicken strips, broccoli and corn at Walmart today for a quick dinner before soccer. He wanted the spicy buffalo chicken strips - I wasn't sure how hot they were. So in compromise, I suggested we get a jar of hot sauce and the plain strips. Well shut my mouth!!!!!! Half the bottle of sauce is gone already.

It's A Boy

I am restlessly watching the clock, pacing, waiting, for a Division of Families social worker and our new foster son to arrive.

I don't know very much about him: He is just 12. Last year he missed over 53 days of school with only 24 excused absences. He has only been to school twice in the two weeks we have had school here in New England. The school offered Mom summer school so he wouldn't get left back - but she didn't follow through and now he is repeating a grade. His Mom also doesn't care for his asthma. He has missed 4 out of the last five appointments with his pulmonologist. There is much more of course, but suffice it to say - he needs a safe place to stay that will keep him breathing and attending school. That would be us. I'll be driving him about an hour to school each way, each day until either a family member steps forward and takes him in or transportation gets straightened out.

To protect his privacy here, we will refer to him as "Cal" (as in California, calypso, calories, calcium, calculate, caliber, and calamity) Hmmmnnn.

Well. I'm gonna go pace on the front porch. And watch the clock.

Miters

I am so stinkin proud! The Other Mother and I successfully mitered new baseboards for the guest room today!!!! I feel like one of those ads for H*me Dep*t!!! Nevermind a new, Michelle Obama style, patent leather belt for my fall wardrobe, I'm thinking a tool belt is a must-have for this Fall's fashions!!!!!

Once I took a deep breath and mentally pretended I was just measuring and cutting quilting fabric, mitering was easy. The other motivation was knowing the local retired carpenter-type guy who fixed our storm door gets $32.00 (yes- thirty-two dollars an hour folks!!!!) for carpentry work. Do you know what bargains I can find on the clearance racks at KOHLS with thirty-two dollars????

So, as I was saying, mitering was easy. The real challenge was reconciling today's sermon at church with the realities of our busy day. Today's readings were great and the sermon was wonderful - all about honoring a day of rest, slowing down, finding time to be intimate and connected, making space for the quiet, and making an effort to step away from work for one day.

I just Love our Minister. Sometimes it seems as though the sermons are directed at us and our personal circumstances. Like today. Because we often only have the weekend in Vermont, just 2 days to get everything done, we recognize that we tend to SQUEEZE way too many activities into such a short amount of time.

For example, because painting wasn't enough, our fabulous friends lent us a cordless drill so The Other Mother could re-route about a hundred miles of our cable through the insulation-packed floorboards. I'm not sure why- but the previous owners of our home had 2 cable TV hook-ups in the family room and one in a crawl space in the cellar. Very strange. The Other Mother did a little rearranging and we'll soon have those two extra cables put to better use: one in Buckshot's bedroom and the other to the downstairs play area for the children.

So, as you can see, this morning's sermon on REST was particularly relevant - and conflicting at the same time. We do try to balance our work and play; but some weekends are more work heavy than they need to be. Like this weekend. So, after church, I briefly explained the dilema to our Minister and her brilliant response was(I am paraphrasing here...) as long as we are having fun and enjoying the tasks together - it isn't work. Did I say I love my Minister???

This weekend, I was very focused on Painting: the walls, trim, lengths of uncut baseboard, floor, and some odds and ends of furniture. Next weekend we will put the room back together. I'd like to say it's because we set healthy limits and made time for play - but the reality is the paint on the floor was still a little tacky and needed more drying time before we could nail the freshly mitered baseboards on!!!!

I'll be sure to post pics of the finished product when we put the room back together next weekend...That is, if we are not too busy resting.

Paint Therapy

I'm going to try some much needed therapy "Cindy Bodie Style" - I am at camp in Vermont and am going to PAINT and PAINT and PAINT. We've selected white for the trim and two walls and a soft slate blue for the other two walls. We are using leftover grey to touch up the perimeter of the floor to freshen up the part that will show after we put down a new large, almost-wall-to-wall carpet.

Our guest room is multipurpose - besides having a twin bed, double bed and dresser, we are putting in an eight foot formica counter along one wall to use as a desk/workspace. The Other Mother is in year two of a three year lay ministry program and has HOMEWORK. I need to "create" (sew, knit, paint, etc.) to maintain my sanity. Buckshot needs a quiet spot to do college work if we are having a house full of children. Bucksquat needs a place to go watch his MARY KATE AND AHSLEY Movies for movie for the tenth time.

PAINT. Well, at least that's what I hope to do. It is a glorious fall day here- too nice to stay inside ALL day - so maybe I'll just keep it manageable and just PAINT two walls today. I'll let you know how it goes.

aws

The baby likes to be held. Mostly. All. The. Time. This is in direct contrast to my parenting experience with Buckshot, Alex, my 20 year old, who, as a child, could not sit still long enough to land in my lap for any length of time. Sure - he'd climb up - but once he got up on the lap he'd climb down. I was so sad when he started walking and no longer tolerated being held. If he was sick - he'd lay in my arms, or let me hold him - but he'd be sick and not enjoying anything at that point - so that wasn't fun.

As a first time mom, I was pretty insecure and felt rejected. Now I see that it it just was who he was as a small child. A constantly-in-motion-blur. Now, at 20, he is a hugger and more affectionate. But as a toddler - he was just one squirming, slippery mass of oppositional energy.

Actually, he pretty much is still that way - But that is a post for another day when I have more energy and won't whine and ramble on and on and on.....Besides I have another busy day tomorrow - and I need some serious sleep....

Rocker Recliner

Bucksquat, our fifth grader, is making up for lost parenting time and LOVES to sit on my lap and cuddle. He came to us two years ago. I did not have the luxury of knowing him and loving him as a baby. I missed those years of his life. Now, at ten, he loves to climb on my lap and tell me about his day. He likes me to talk to him and rock him while he's in my arms. Sometimes I drape a small lap quilt over his shoulders while we sit and talk. He needs this time - he's emotionally available for this...and doesn't care who sees him climb aboard to cuddle. I love that he is confident about this time and not embarassed, self conscious or worried about being seen as a baby in front of other kids - even older kids. He just doesn't care. He knows what he needs and is claiming it.

Buckshot, my almost 20 year old son, was not a cuddler as a toddler. He was a blur of motion and energy. I confess that I am thrilled that now I FINALLY get a kid to cuddle and hold - but man-oh-man!!! Is the ten year old heavy to hold - and my arms go numb.....so we HAD to get a bigger chair while he was still into sitting on our laps. Our older formal, wing-back recliner was perfect for reading a novel solo. For sitting with a 90 pound boy who needs to cuddle with his Mamas - not so much.

Today I went to the furniture store today while he was at school and purchased the extra cushiony, chocolate brown, fake leather, rocker recliner that Bucksquat and I had been "test driving" each time we went to the store. Seriously. We'd sit in each of the floor models, he'd be on my lap, head on my shoulder, legs draped over the sides in a store full of people. He just didn't care!
The Other Mother and I carried in the new rocker/recliner in the living room while he was in his room reading after dinner. When it was all set, The Other Mother sat in it and we asked him to come out to the living room...SURPRISE! He hopped right onto her lap and put his head on her shoulder .....a perfect fit.

Like a Caged Animal

OK. I've made it through my first week as a Stay At Home Mom. So far no one has been hurt and the police haven't been called to my address. I take that as a good sign. Really. I am, however, just a lttle bit bored and lonely. Pacing the house like a caged animal. Not like a sleek Siberian Tiger kind of pacing - more like a dazed Raccoon kind of pacing. I hear it gets better. The staying at home part - not the pacing. This is just the adjustment period I am told. What they didn't tell me is how long it will last. The adjustment period - not the staying at home part.

Thank god for laundry that needs doing, bills that need paying, cat boxes that need emptying and recycling that needs sorting. Something to keep me busy til the big yellow school bus pulls up at 3:27. But who's watching the clock? Without my chores and errands, I'd truly lose my mind.

I may still lose my mind, but the process has been slowed, somewhat. Why? Because of your AMAZING Blogs. "Thank G*d" for incredible bloggers like you. Yes; YOU! Your witty, wonderful writings keep me laughing while I am pacing! Your comments keep me connected and your insightful posts remind me that The Mamas are not alone in this crazy foster/adoption parenting journey. Thanks.

Winter Wonderland

Yes Essie, we really do have plastic toboggans to get stuff up and down our driveway in the winter! Three to be exact. Orange, purple and tourquoise. Purchased a long, time ago. Back when it was just the three of us: The Other Mother, Buckshot and me.

Back then, Buckshot wasn't even Buckshot; he hadn't yet earned his teen nickname. I think he was still Little Bear or Zunder Bear or some foolish, lovey, little boy name....SIGH...They grow up way too fast.

Anyhow - The cool thing is, on a snowy morning you can let them down the driveway ahead of you on their yellow polypro rope leash and it will squish down the snow like a little path to walk in. If the toboggans have enough backpacks, bookbags, and stuff on them going down, it packs the snow. Going up - It is much easier to drag grocieries, a gallon of milk and your back-pack. The driveway is steep enough in places you dont want to wear a backpack to tilt you in the wrong direction. We just use the toboggans when it is too snowy to get up and down our driveway.

In the winter, we carefully listen to the weather reports and leave or vehicles in a parking area at the bottom of the driveway if snow is expected. Our plow guy quit two years ago because our driveway was too steep and uneven in places. So now we do it by hand in the steep spots and with a snow blower in the flat spots. Even so, it needs to be clear to the pavement to get up the steep spots.

When there is a storm, we all go outside and shovel together. There is something zen like and strangely relaxing in spending an hour moving a ton of snow by hand. It's interesting to see what psychological gymnastics happen to your brain when you are out sweating in the snow and freezing your feet off at the same time. We've been told that shoveling our driveway doesn't just build character, it reveals character. And we are certainly a bunch of characters....

Tipping the Scales

I could say it was the cost of repairing the transmission on the minivan - or the saftey issue driving long distances on worn tires, or the fear of breaking down at night on the desolate highway...But if I am to be honest with you, dear readers, it was the lure of actually getting up our steep driveway in the winter that tipped the scales for us in recently buying our used AWD Equinox.

You have no idea how excited I am at the possibilty of getting up the snowy driveway this winter in a warm, dry vehicle. The thought of NOT having to drag groceries up the hill on a bright orange plastic toboggan has me practically giddy!!!!!!!!!

New Wheels

Most folks come back from their summer vacation with a colorful T-Shirt, an ashtray or refrigerator magnet to mark their time away. Not us. No. We come back with automobiles. Mini-van, sedan and a crossover to be exact. In our travels we found an Amazing auto dealership in the hinterlands of New England and traded in our two elderly mini-vans (126 thousand and 156 thousand miles each...) and Buckshot's rust-ridden, inspection-rejected sedan for three healthier used vehicles. All three for less than the price of that new 2010 Toyota mini-van I have been eyeing....Yup. Three for less than the price of one. I'm feeling a lttle nervous about spending that much money - but am feeling pretty good since we've been car payment free on my van for 3 years, on the Other Mother's van for 2 years and Buckshot's car has been clear for 2 1/2.....

So for now we are each doing our patriotic duty and boosting the national economy by taking on a car payment...