Cause That's How We Roll

The Other Mother and I have different tastes in recreation and relaxing. Maybe that's what keeps it interesting after almost 19 years.

Today while opening the mail, I informed her in a slightly mocking tone that her favorite catalog/magazine had arrived: GREAT COURSES. It probably didn't help that I pointed out it was The Annnual Sale On Religion Courses edition. Oh, and you can even take 70% off if you order by May 27!



Being the good sport that she is, The Other Mother promptly reminded me with a smirk that her interest in studying Religon is no different than my interest in FAT SQUARES.

Ummm. That's FAT QUARTERS.

Relationship To Patient

Baby Dee's Mom called us tonight to help her fill out the new patient info for the far-away Gastroenterologist they will see tomorrow. She put us down on the emergency contact info. Sweet.

On speakerphone, The Other Mother and I translated complicated medical terms, spelled words and medicines, and clarified questions. We even had a good laugh when we were so absorbed by our conversation that Dee's Mom burnt the cookies she was baking for her sleeping son.

She'll call us tomorrow to let us know how the appointment went.

How gracious of Mom that Baby Dee can be both her child and our child.

There is room in all of our hearts, for now.

If It's Not About The Shoes, Then It's About.....

She beat me to it. I was going to post about the repercussions of reporting and the morning meltdown, but The Other Mother already did.

Check out The Other Mother's Blog.

She's Fifty One

Happy, Happy Birthday to The Other Mother!!!!

We are bringing the baby for a visit with his teen Mom early this evening and will go out for dinner for a double celebration: The Other Mother's Birthday - AND that we don't have a fussy baby for a few hours!!! Though if last night is any indication, we are starting to see some relief for the baby's distress and our stress. He slept for 3 hours in a row!!!! Which means we did too. YIPPPEEEEE.

James has made peace with the babysitter for this past weekend's shenanagans and she is (thankfully) willing to keep sitting for us.

Learned at last night's adoption group from The Stork (our adoption worker) that Bucksquat's oldest sibling got married last week and didn't tell him. He is still reeling from learning she had moved from South Carolina to California to North Carolina (she is in the Marines) when he last thought she was in Pensacola. Nice.

I found out this morning that he already knows when he casually announed at breakfast: "Oh, I talked to my sister last night and guess what? She's married." He said it in such a way that I had to ask "how do you feel about that?" He sadly mumbled, "I don't know". He sneaks his calls to his siblings when we are out or busy or otherwise occupied. So, of course he spoke to one of his sister's while we were out. He freely divulges that he has had the call or has new info...but he sneaks the actual calls. This is foreshadowing of other sneaky behavior if you ask me...we lived with his second eldest sister's sneaky drug addictions and 8 months in rehab until it was evident that family living was too much for her to handle. I fear Bobby has those same tendencies of addiction and sneaky behaviors...ARGH.

We also learned that The Stork let a certain child's Bio-Mom know that he was videotaping/reporting his abuse (UMMMM...THANKS STORK! MOM IS ONE OF THE ABUSERS!!!!!)and that it wasn't a good time for the visits she constantly demands. Visits she demands but does not have legal rights to. She calls The Stork and demands that the child be brought to one of her regularly scheduled monthly visits with the other siblings. The poor Stork then calls us to relay the message and gets to listen to me rant and rave. Fun cycle of dysfunctionality. What was the point of the adoption agreement if she tries to stretch it. I will be sending her regular letter (twice a year) and will be stringly cautioning her to stick to the agreement. Which means use the post office, not The Stork, to relay letters ONLY, 5 times a year (in response to our 2 letters and she may independently write at Christmas, Easter and Birthday...5 letters, not demanding phone calls each month.

ARGGHHHHHH.

Who Took Our Baby?

Who Took Our Baby (the screaming crying one) and replaced him with this sweet little guy that makes eye contact and coos????? I think it was a combination of 24 hours of Gripe Water and being held and loved and passed by the wonderful Moms in our monthly adoption group tonight. LOVE these women in a major way. I am crossing my fingers for a good nights sleep tonight. We sooooooooooooooo need it.

We are pretty fried between the baby being up last night and spending the morning at the District Attorney's Office for a taped forensic interview where one of our children VERY BRAVELY reported multiple abuses by three different folks. I am so proud that he got through it and is able to acknowledge that he feels some sense of relief. It was the same interviewer from 2005 and 2007 and the same detective from 2007 - so there was some familiarity and continuity. We were told it is likely the DA will want to prosecute (which of the 3 perps????) and they will let us know in a few weeks. PHEW. So glad the first part is over. It took alot of courage for our child to make that disclosure. The rest will take on a life of it's own, and we will worry about court/testifying if and when that happens.

Giving It A Try

Thanks to your wonderful advice - I am giving it a try. Gripe Water, that is. It seems as though the baby has two speeds with us: sleeping or crying. We are sleep deprived and our nerves are a little shot from the high pitch wailing...but most important, our little guy is just NOT happy. He is way too little to be feeling such high stress about life. We are also concerned for his teen mother and how she will be able to handle his demands. We are two older (48 & 50), experienced parents and find ourselves very challenged by his screaming (the word "crying" just doesn't capture the rage this baby expresses...) We conveyed this to the Social Worker again. His teen Mom needs more exposure to him so she can begin to prepare for the enormity of caring for a challenging baby when she is just a baby herself. Our plan is this week we will work towards 3 visits at various times during the day/night and an overnight visit....

Hopefully the Gripe Water will have worked it's magic by then.

Oy

Where to begin? The police in my kitchen? The tearful babysitter? The Adoption Event? Our epic fail of a night out?

We are smiling and relaxed in this photo only because we don't know how our evening out will soon implode.

ADOPTION EVENT
Yesterday we were panel speakers at a state sponsored Adoption Event held at a college - It was a fun day - the weather was perfect for the many outdoor activities that were planned. They had seperate areas for older teens and a variety of fun things for the little ones: balloon sculpture, face painting, indoor crafts... something for everyone. Oddly, we did not gravitate toward the teen ropes course/outdoor adventure area. We usually find ourselves drawn to adopting/fostering/parenting pre-teen boys and teen boys...but this time, not so much. I inquired about a quiet young boy of 8 or 9 sitting alone at a picnic table. No wonder he was sitting alone. Turns out he's part of a sibling group of eight....Ummmm. No Thanks.

JARED
Tomorrow morning "Jared" moves on to the foster home that the Division of Family Services originally recruited for him. The Mom/Dad African American Family that are back from their pre-planned school vacation....I am relieved more than I can say. Since my post asking for your advice, we have learned just how Oppositional and RAD Jared is. Holy Crap. Never mind me worryin if we were the optimal family for him....Race will not be the issue for this young man - RAD is the issue.

We talk to him. He pretends he doesn't hear us. You ask him to do any task and he can only complete half, or does it semi-wrong. Will wash only one pillowcase. Won't put his bedspread on the bed when asked because it looked like a blanket.

We can't figure out if it is because we are women or if he'll be this way with a Dad also. In any case, I am a little embarassed to admit that I am grateful not to have to parent RAD right now. I just don't have it in me.

THE BABY:
The baby sleeps or just SCREAMS and SCREAMS. and SCREAMS. Really. We are experienced parents, but he is just freaking exhausting. COLIC! Argh. We don't know how to fully console his rages. He is just a month old. How can he be to FURIOUS with the world??? He won't hold eye contact for more than two seconds. If he is awake, he is rigid, arching, twisting, fisted, and purple faced screaming. How on earth is his teen Bio-Mom going to do this????????????? I am truly trying to find joy in his little blond head and blue-grey eyes...but he makes it very, very hard.

OUR FAILED SOCIAL LIFE
We went to a wedding last night. The Other Mother's Program Director was marrying a local police officer. It was a lovely ceremony with passages read in Polish to reflect the heritage of the groom's family. The reception was at an estate located in a famous regional park. Gorgeous setting. Everything was in bloom.

It was so nice to be out with the Other Mother at a non-foster/adoption event. I can't remember the last time we dressed up and stepped out. This picture was taken an hour before the evening went sour.

Just as the bride and groom were dancing the first dance, the babysitter calls. Bobby is fine. He helped cook and clean up. Jared and James had been awful. They were out of control, wouldn't help with dinner clean up, and we sent to their rooms. Then they disppeared. Went missing. She couldn't find them anywhere. She had searched the whole house. They are gone. GREAT.

We make our apologies and high-tail it home. En route, calling the police to do a neighborhood drive-by and to report them as runaways. Calling the tearful sitter again to reassure her. Calling the 24/7 Hotline for the Division of Family Services to report them missing. Stopping to pick up BB (Baby Boy - BB...) who was at a visit with teen Bio-Mom at her Parenting Teen Program. Taking Tylenol for the massive headache I am getting.

Minutes from home the police call us on the cell. They are at the house and they have the boys - they had hidden inside the house and had never left - which is a double blessing since the paperwork involved in a Missing Persons is a total pain in the neck.

Arriving home - we did our best to remain calm and therapeutic, read the boys the riot act, console the baby sitter, pay attention to Bobby who was feeling neglected for being good, assure the police we have our family under control, muzzle the screaming baby and remain sane.

THE GOOD NEWS
(You know - there is always Good News in our house) The police Officer who waited in our kitchen was totally young, tall, blue eyed and handsome...and clearly SMITTEN with our college aged sitter!!!!! He knew we were at his fellow officer's wedding...so as soon as the bride and groom are back from their honeymoon, we'll enlist their help and be doing some serious MATCH-MAKING!!!!!

THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW
In the meantime - I am counting the twelve hours till 7 am when the Social Worker comes to get Jared and the other two Yahoos get on the big yellow bus and go back to school and I have the relative peace and quiet of a screaming, colicy baby to keep me company. All. Day. Long.

Enjoying School Vacation Week

We've been enjoying our down time. Stopped in to see Baby Dee and her Mom on Friday. Tried to fix the hand-me-down crib , but wound up bending the frame beyond repair. Just as well - it was a rickety drop-side style that made me even more nervous about Dee's safety than I already am. I moved the crib out and put the pack-and-play in it's place. Dee is such a tiny little peanut she doesn't need a big crib anyhow.

The boys LOVED the beach. The one month old baby boy doesn't love much of anything. I may have told you he has only two speeds: screaming or sleeping. He is talented and able to suck down his bottles in his sleep or in between glass-shattering screeches and wails. Still waiting to hear if baby and his very young bio-mom will go to a foster home that will take them both. If so, I'm thinking they'll transition next week.

We have an appointment Tuesday morning with the District Attorney's Child Abuse Division for a videotaped interview. One of our dear boys is finally ready to fully report the physical and mental abuse he experienced prior to coming to our home. As you can imagine, even though the abuse is long over, it continues to shape his life by poisoning his trust in adults and fueling his need to control everything and everybody. While we don't think his reporting will lead to criminal prosecution, we do think disclosure will bring our boy some peace of mind and much needed healing.

Trump Card: When Does Race Count????

Dear Diary: Forgive me for stepping into a pile of controversy - but late last Friday afternoon we had a placement call for a 11 year old boy. Quiet kid exposed to domestic violence at the hands of Bio-Mom's boyfriend. He's African American. Would we take him for school vacation week - or longer?

Of course we would.

There is another foster home that really wants him and could take him when they get back from their pre-planned school vacation trip. An African American Mom and Dad.

OK.

Why don't we take him for the week, see how it goes and we should call if we'd like him to stay with us or go to the other home next Monday.....

OK.

So, ever since "Jared" arrived we have been saying things like "while you are with us for this week...", "while we are together for school vacation...", "until you move next week....". Just in case he does not stay at our home.

Here's the deal. The boy is African American and the other foster home is African American (not common in our area office) and has a mom and a dad, but they live in a pretty non-diverse (white), economically depressed community with a pretty homogenous school system.

We are a lesbian couple in one of the most diverse communities on this side of the state. There are other children in our home that are not white. We have a very diverse school system. This child comes from an amazingly diverse community about 10 miles away from us. He'd be moving over an hour away to...well to a community that may be less than welcoming. But he'd have a Dad when positive male role models have been so lacking.

So does African American mom and dad in a white community trump white lesbian moms in a multicultural community????

I think, for this kid, it does.

What should we do????

You Know You Are Over-Tired When.....

Your cell phone rings and after reaching your hand into your jeans pocket you try and answer your CAMERA.

I am clearly both too old to stay up all night and am not used to the crazy sleep schedule of a newborn and have been feeling sleep deprived for the past week. The Other Mother returned from her four day business trip last night (thank goodness!!!!) She let me sleep through the middle of the night feedings AND the morning feedings AND she made coffee. Oh how I love that woman!

As a result, I had enough sleep on board that I at least realized I was trying to answer my camera, and quickly reached in my other pocket for the phone....PHEW.

It was Baby Dee's Mom calling. The new Visiting Nurse was there at their apartment on the other side of the state and she had some questions. Answered questions and she added me to to their contact/care provider list to contact again. Nice. So glad to be a resource and provide support for Dee and Mom.

I love it when the foster care system works...and when The Other Mother is home.

Wednesday Rambles

It's a day and a half after falling in the parking lot. The adreniline rush and worry about the baby is over. I spent at least eight hours yesterday just sitting in the saddle of my trusty V6 steed and I am seriously aching: sore and stiff.

My visit yesterday with Baby D and her Mom went well. Despite our many, many differences, yesterday Mom and I found even more common ground. I was unimpressed with the Doctor and left the appointment feeling like we still had too many loose ends. No cardiologist? No Pulmonologist? They don't have pediatric nutritionists in that part of the state? A Genetics doctor travels there once a month for one day? Anyhow - the quality of medical care she will get there is in no way near the comprehensive team approach she receieved in our far-away corner of our humble New England State.

After the pediatrician appointment, we picked Baby D's brother up after school and drove around to the Beaches and just hung out. He is an oppositional, angry and generally unpleasanr little guy. Fortunately, I am a trained professional...and was just plain old too tired to be manipulated by his attitude. In fact, I had a little sleepy-silly-snarky going on for me! Threw him off balance enough that he just relaxed. I truly enjoyed our day together and look forward to seeing them again when we have school vacation week. We made a plan to spend a mid-week afternoon at the ocean with all the kids.

The oldest of our three boys is up getting ready for school. The house is filled with an interesting scent. A combination of brewed coffee, peanut butter toast and too much boy scented deoderant. The furnace is humming as it less than 40 degrees, and the steam of the dryer vent is sending streams of white vapor cloud out the vent into the backyard. I sit here at the dining room table, looking out the french doors to the heavily wooded and rocky hillside rising steep towards a cold blue sky. We have black squirrels in the part of New England where I live, and thier irregular movements in the woods at the periphery of my vision is distracting. Ummmm. Today, I love it here.

I am trying to type this without my necessary reading glasses as they are upstairs in my bedroom where, thankfully, there remains a sleeping baby. Sleeping!!! BB: he is noisy in his breathing. Reassuring to hear the boogery congested rhythmic rise and fall of a baby's breathing. Baby D had stridor - a whistly collapsing of her floppy windwipe when breathing. It was disconcerting when BB arrived and he breathed silently. I much prefer the noisy variety. It is easier on my nerves.

This morning I meet with three of my Mountain Town Moms- an informal off shoot of our much larger Mountain Town Foster Parent Support Group. These are wonderful women. I am sure I have mentioned them here once or twice. I may have even claimed, much like a traveling doctor selling snake oil, that these women are a healing balm. A magical elixr of sanity and advice. We look in each other's eyes and just get it. Parenting abused, neglected, traumatised, and disabled kids is NOT easy as all y'all well know. These ladies are like those Olympic skaters you see twirling and leaping and gliding effortlessly. These women make me think even I can skate.

OK - note to self. Next time you sneak downstairs early-early to have quiet time in the morning. Remember to turn OFF the alarm clock radio upstairs that is set loudly to NPR..because, apparently, the baby dos NOT like NPR....... Gotta go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home from the Hospital

It is 2:40 am and I am home from the hospital after taking BB (the bouncing baby bubba) in for an ER check because I tripped in some god forsaken pothole in the local KMART parking lot and we both went down- thankfuly he was strapped into his carseat snugly and the carseat was still hooked in my arm when we fell - so he did not take a tumble. He just went horizontal to vertical and back again...PHEW. Thankfully 2 KMART clerks were having their smoke break and saw the whole thing. They were very sweet and calmed my shaken nerves over the baby...BB woke up cried, smacked his hungry little lips together and promptly fell back asleep...After filling out the accident report and showing the manager the pothole we immediately headed to the hospital for a check, and called the appropriate Division of Family Services on call numbers and pediatrician. The baby (BB) is AOK and no injuries were noted. Glad we had him checked.

I am way too wired to sleep and I have to get up in the am and drive to the other side of the state to take Baby Dee and her Mom to their first Pediatrician appointment. I'm looking forward to seeing them - but am none to happy over the idea of a four hour drive each way.

The Other Mother is away in another fine New England State at a conference for the large national community based youth orginization she works for.....She'll be home on Thursday night. THANK GOD. Single parenting is NOT for me...I miss her bunches (and besides she is the morning Mom - Bless her heart, she gets the boys up for school AND brings me coffee every morning. Oh how I love that woman!

Good night..........or is it Good morning???????????????

The Name Game

I've been struggling thinking of blog pseudonyms for the two new children that have joined our house.

I'm taking Jeri's (With Love From Sumy)suggestion for the baby. The bouncing blond haired, blue eyed baby boy, not yet 3 weeks old, will hereafter be known on my blog as "BB".

BB - as in Baby Buck or BB like BB gun. Jeri thought it fits with Buckshot my 20 year old and Bucksquat my 11 year old.

The 13 year old boy will be known as James (He doesn't have a middle name and I often will say his real name and add James. His first name plus James has a lyrical ring to it.

There you have it - BB and James.

So, What's New With You?

Friday we brought Baby D to her Mom and brother. Really. Finally. It was what we call a "Happy Sad". We visited for a while and left when the Social Worker did -then the Other Mother and I drove our boys and dogs the half mile down the road to the nearby Ocean Beach and had a good cry. Actually - we had the first of many good cries we would have over the weekend - and random unexpected weepy moments that continue today.

An ache. A loss. Emptiness. Longing. Sadness.

I keep thinking, mumbling, breathing "THIS IS THE WORK" like a chant, a mantra, a soft spoken phrase to get me through the sad feelings. This IS the work. This is the work that we do . Fostering children is fun. Joyful. Hard. Unexpected. But it doesn't feel like work. Saying "good-bye" is work. Not just HARD work, but HEART work. I feel drained.

We spent Easter weekend at a family home near the Ocean: a little yard work, a bike ride on the bike path, grilling Chicken, walking on the beach, going for ice cream, wading in the ocean, reading a few chapters of my book, ate Girl Scout Cookies, read a quilting magazine, spoke with an elderly neighbor who has kown me since I was three, drinking marvelous cups of tea, resting when the newborn would let us, but mostly missing sweet Baby D.

Saturday night Baby D's Mom called just to talk. She had a rough night with D's 8 year old brother and I think she just wanted a grown-up to talk to. It was so nice to have her reach out to us as a resource and connection.

Sunday on our way home, we stopped at Baby D's home to drop off some things she had left at our family's home near the Ocean and some things for Mom (a lawn chair and table) She kicked her litle feet and her arms wiggled and she just lit up when she saw us. It was sooo good to see her & hold her. Made me feel better - which was good - because it made me feel worse to hear about her crazy relatives and their mental health issues and addictions and think about the marginal support network they will have there...and the sketchy public assistance life they will lead. Hey - but those are her people. They may not be the people we would choose for her - but they are her people. Not us..... ARGH. *sigh*

I go back April 13 to accompany Mom to the first pediatrician appointment. Mom's cognitive challenges make it difficult to organize and convey complex (and not so complex) medical info so I am going to give a case history/summary....Mom is good at follwing medical instructions - just can't present well.

I wish I could say it was easier because we had Newborn Baby Boy (oh he does need a name now - doesn't he????)...as I was saying, a newborn to care for and concentrate on - but in reality - he is just not her. He is just not the same - he smells different and cries different and wants to be held different and he has different little boy parts.....He looks so serious and grumpy when he isn't sleeping or screaming.....

I'm off to think of blog pseudonyms/ pen names for the Newborn and the wonderful, quiet, polite 13 year old boy who joined us last Saturday.