I Want To See My Mom

Bucksquat spoke to two of his three sisters last night. At 10 he is the youngest. Two teens live about an hour away in different homes. The eldest sibling is in the military in the southern United States. Mostly his conversations go well. Usually he trys to parent them - and actually does a good job. But, like any parent, he will worry himself sick with things out of his control with sisters who are almost 5, 7 and 9 years older than him. You know - issues like dating, cars and military careers...

When the conversations don't go well (trigger the PTSD, dredge up the memory swamp...and out comes THE SWAMP MONSTER) - a dark cloud of I am not sure what descends: loss/grief/anger/disregulation/confusion/hurt/sadness. You can actually see his features change, his posture adjust, his speech patterns shift. I am sure we are not the only adoptive family who sees this when a child reconnects witht the bio family. He usually connects a minimum of twice monthly - phone calls to the 3 girls and a monthly get together designed for siblings that don't live together. Which means we have the SWAMP MONSTER visit at least twice monthly.

What was hard about last night's phone conversation with the middle sister was after hanging up he stomped upstairs to where we were sitting. (Okay - to where we were HIDING, feeling shattered and drained after having spent all day transitioning RADISH to QUEST. But I digress....) He handed us a simple note and went back downstairs to stew.

The note read "I want to see my mom".

Wow.

Let me begin by saying we support this - but we'd like to wait til fall when he is connected with his new therapist at the same clinic where he has been seen for two years. His previous therapist (whom we respected and adored!!!!!) moved in mid July and there will be a little summer therapy hiatus. We'll start with the new therapist as school begins. We'd like him to present this to his therapist, have them work on healthy boundaries, tame the SWAMP MONSTER, and ultimately, if it is clinically appropriate, have the therapist supervise a visit with bio Mom in her office.

What makes it challenging is the 3 girls have seen bio Mom a few times now. They were not adopted - but Bucksquat was. Bio-Mom has inconsistently followed the adoption agreement so far and won't even supply us with an address to write updates to her. Visits are not in the adoption agreement. We just adopted in November. I think part of him just wants to see her because the other siblings see her, and he feels left out. It doesn't help that the sisters tell him all about their visits with bio Mom. Prior to the adoption, bio-Mom cancelled several visits scheduled with the all kids and the social worker. Bucksquat has not seen her in three years. Because of her physically abusive, unstable past, I am a little hesitant to let her back into his life. He deserves to see her. He needs to make peace (or WAR) with his past. I fear for Bucksquat. He is still fragile from the abuse and neglect, and has a history of psychiatric hospitalizations, and has lived in a residential treatment program (QUEST) to manage his fallout... I want to sort out my own insecurities and fears from Bucksquats needs. ARGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are going CAMPING for the weekend and will return to civilization (internet and social workers) Tuesday. Until then, I'll ponder, reflect and pray.

Advice??? Feedback????

ADHD Miracle Treatment

Turns out all those medications folks have been taking for ADHD are completely unnecessary. That's right. Not needed. Who knew? Apparently, the cure for ADHD has been hiding in plain sight right there on the camping aisle in W*LMART. Imagine!


Instead of medications, folks can now use the handy-dandy
FOCUSING LANTERN.
Having trouble focusing on a complicated lecture at college?
Use the FOCUSING LANTERN
Having trouble remembering where you left your car keys?
Use the FOCUSING LANTERN
Having trouble following the latest political obfuscations?
Shine that FOCUSING LANTERN on the whole darn mess.
Having trouble prioritizing in the midst of bills, chores and daily drudge?
Use the FOCUSING LANTERN and the next task will be clearly illuminated.

Wow. If only it were that easy.

Drained

Drained. Spent. Exhausted. Weary. Sad. Clear. Firm. Level-headed. Heartbroken. Anxious. Worried. Reflective. Sad. Hopeful.

But mostly, just drained.

In the morning I drive to go get Radish at Dad's Rehab program where he has been since Sunday -staying for a visit. We'll come back here. Hang out, The Other Mother will come home, we'll have lunch, go through his scrapbook, remind him how far he has come, how close he is to his goal of living with Dad, how his words and behaviors tell us he is ready for he next step: to leave our home and be with bio Dad, how much fun we have had, how much we will miss him. We'll try to keep it together.

In the afternoon a social worker will come get him and bring him to his new placement where he'll stay until he moves in with Dad in September. Radish is going to QUEST : a fairly structured therapeutic residential group program in a nearby city. It is a large New England style house in a regular neighborhood, in walking distance to downtown.

QUEST is the same program where Bucksquat was living before he moved in with us. They did wonders for Bucksquat in terms of stabilizing his behaviors. Bucksqaut has his own impressive history with hospitalizations and acute residential treatment programs and QUEST really helped him pull it together and avoid the hospitals. Their structure and support truly helped him gain self control and manage his own behaviors.

I am soooo releived knowing that Radish is going to QUEST - The staff are great. The residential/group living is comfortable for Radish - it is familiar ground for him having been hospitalized or in resiential programs the past 5 years. I was looking at his placement history as I pulled together his files, Our home is the first regular foster home he has been to.

You and I might cringe at all the rules and routines, steps, priveleges and point systems- but for Radish this is familiar turf. He knows what to do and what to expect. That helps explain why he is so comfortable at his bio-Dad's Drug Rehab Program- communal kitchen - communal bath - set times for laundry - assigned chores and meetings...all comfortable, and familiar.

Living in a family is what has been foreign.

Made For TV Movie

Today I drove Bucksquat to the other side of the state to put flowers on his Father's grave. Although his Dad died in July of 2004, his ashes were not interred until July of last year. His ashes were sitting in a cardboard box, unpaid, on a funeral home shelf until early last summer. Some very kind folks at the Division of Family Services figured out a way to pay them off so Bucksquat and his 3 older sisters could finally bury their father, gain some closure and begin to move on with their fractured lives.

After their father's death, their mother's ongoing mental illness errupted in alternating cycles of raging physical violence and deplorable neglect. I can't remember which happened first: the house was foreclosed upon or it was condemned. I guess it doesn't matter which happened first. The end result is the 3 children at home were taken. The eleven year old had already left home and was living on the streets by the time Social Services stepped in.

The service last year at the grave was beyond bizarre. Bucksquat, then the youngest at 9, took turns wrapping his arm around a sister, stroking another's hair, dabbing a kleenex at the corner of another sister's eye, and alternating squeezing an arm or patting their backs. These girls were 13, 15 and 18. The girls, in turn, wept tearlessly, and sobbed or sniffled in response to Bucksquat's exaggerated and dramatic flourishes. Not one child exhibited what we, or the social workers in attendance, felt was a single sincere emotion. It was surreal. They were all acting out what they thought they should be feeling if they were cast in a "made for TV movie". Authentic emotions were not to be found among the siblings. How can you call up (on cue) authentic emotions of grief and sadness four years after the fact?? It was so bizarre and painful to witness.

So today, while Bucksquat wiped decaying grass clippings off the flat brass military marker, and filled a vase with spraying water from the nearby spigot, and arranged the purple and white Alstremeria flowers tied with a purple ribbon (Dad's favorite color was purple, you know), I respectfully stood nearby with my head down and hands folded in front. Head bowed, I made my own communion with the dearly departed spirit of Bucksquat's Dad. I had a just a few questions for him.

* Why didn't you make arrangements for an appropriate caregiver for your children, when, for more than a year you knew you were dying from your illness? Wouldn't you find a home for your dog if you knew you were dying?

* You knew their mother was crazy and physically abusive. Did you think your death would change her instability?

* You knew there was no life insurance, no money, no way to feed a family or maintain a home. What did you think would happen to them?

* Where did you think they would go?

On the outside I was somber and reflective. On the inside I was seething with rage. I figured I, too, could pretend I was in a "made for TV movie" and act out what I was supposed to be feeling.

It wasn't so bizarre.

Don't Try This At Home

I have noticed an unusual phenomena with my almost 20 year old son. He is living at our vacation home in Paradise, Northern Vermont and is working and attending Community College there.

He is making strides towards starting his life as an independent adult.
He manages the house, juggles his work schedule.
He has made a nice connection of friends.
He has established little routines in his new community, like breakfast at the nearby eatery with the news paper and local folks.
He (I am embarassed to say) is a much better housekeeper than I am when it comes to keeping the house clean, the kitchen sink empty and the counters cleared off.
He does well and I am proud of him.


So here's the conundrum: Why is it that I can not see him or hear from him for one or two or sometimes three weeks and be confident that he is OK and relaxed about what he does, who he is with and where he goes...Yet when I physically drive to Vermont and see him, I suddenly become an overprotective- nagging-worry-wort MOTHER ?????????

WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENS TO ME???????????????????????????????

Some of my more brilliant conversation starters sound something like this.

"Wear your helmet"
"Be careful"
"Drive slow, it is raining/snowing/sunny/cloudy/clear blue skies..."
"Did you pack a snack and beverage for the car ride?"
"Do you have enough gas money?"
"Is your cell phone charged???"
"Is that a damp towel you left on your bed?"

He sighs and patiently answers my questions. I've apologized to him about this and told him it is just the Mommy Worry Gene kicking in - and that I physically can't help it sometimes.

He says he understands and that it is OK. I believe him. He hugs me tight and kisses the top of my head.

I love that man.

Stirred - Not Shaken

If you aren't a regular follower of this blog you may not be aware that we have STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEST A big one. Much like the swarm above that my friend Cindy collected and my friend Patty photographed this past week in Vermont.



Anyhow, the Mamas and some very kind blogging souls (Bless Their Hearts) are taking some serious heat on a very dificult decision that has impacted everyone in my family circle. We recently gave our 10 day notice to discontinue foster care for Radish, a 12 year old young man who came to us last year in a preadoptive placement that evolved into a reunification plan.

Yondalla had so very kindly put the word out in the blogging community to extend us some virtual hugs - which we gratefully and warmly receieved from so many wonderful readers. Thank you all. We also receievd a few comments from folks who have some really, Really Big Feelings about my actions and my post. Thank you as well.

I never intended to stir up controversy - nor host a pity party. I blog because I need a way to process my feelings and make sense of my life. I blog because many of the issues in my life that need talking about must remain confidential, so I am very limited with whom I can speak. I can't really process this stuff within ear shot of the children, at work, or at the checkout at the grocery for goodness sake! I blog because there are wise people out here in cyber-space that I can learn from. I blog because I also have some Really Big Feelings and need a place to put them.

I posted the following comment yesterday on Yondalla's Blog, Thoughts From a Foster Family, and have since added a few sentences to paragraph 4 below for your clarity:

Yondalla,

Thank you. I am sorry. Thank you for reaching out and, without reservation or judgement, recognizing the complexities of our personal decision to give our 10 day notice to Radish. I appreciate your willingness to offer support, and admire your strength in taking a whole lot of heat on a very hot topic. I am sorry this has gotten out of hand and some folks are making our decision all about them.

Radish's SW told him about the 10 day notice and he is actually doing OK and is relieved to move closer to Dad's. He just wants to be with his Dad. His parents and I have talked extensively on the phone and at the rehab program. We are all OK with this complex personal decision and recognize it will impact each of us differently. We are all practicing Acceptance.

Radish's little sister is sleeping over this weekend and will travel with us to Vermont. Why? Their parents know we care about thier children and that their children care about us. They also understand we care enough to set a limit on the craziness. As addicts in recovery they know what happens when you can't set limits on the craziness. They know the danger when you go off thinking you can manage it all. They respect that I know enough to say enough.

We are all working on healing. I am not throwing away their son and they know that. I am also not allowing his behaviors to destroy my family or ruin his own chance to be reunified. Two weeks ago The Division of Families consolidated the case and transferred the paperwork to the other side of the state. The Service Plan Goal was changed this winter from Adoption to Reunification with Dad. the move was set for June, but Dad relapsed. The move was changed to September, and Radish imploded. Dad isn't ready for Radish to move in and Radish isn't ready for anything right now. Radish will now move closer to Dad and get a new therapist, engage in family therapy, go to ALATEEN, ALANON, or AA and NA meetings, and see his sister.

This is the right thing to do for us...just us...not the rest of the blogging world. We are at peace with our decision. I will post most of this on my blog, but wanted to personally thank you for your very kind words and gentle heart.

With Gratitude,

The Mamas

It's All Good

GOODS AND BADS

You know. The usual routine is to list the good things that happened and the not so goods. With any luck, at the end of the day, they will all balance out. Today the goods far outweighed the bads.

GOODS

Had a pleasant one and a half hour drive on the highway to pick up Radish, Step Mom and half sister at Dad's family based rehab program after a successful 3 day visit.

Radish was told by his SW about 10 day notice and was relieved and happy that he'll be closer to Dad. Was given the option to just stay at the rehab program - and he didn't want to do that!!! He recognizes they are not yet ready for that big step!!!! He just wants to be closer.

Also picked up his step-Mom and seven year old half sister MCF to bring them back to the town where we live. This saves them the expense of the train fare back to our side of the state. They were planning on coming to our town for a several day visit with Bio Dad's mom: Grandma.

We had MCF in our home for about six months last summer and fall as a foster placment until The Divison of Family Services reunified her with her Mom and Dad at the family based rehab program where they reside. That was another reason to advocate for Radish to reunify also. If MCF can go live with Mom and Dad- why can't he???? It was very hard for Radish when in October MCF moved to the family based rehab from our house and he didn't get to go. How can you explain that crazy Social Service logic to a wounded kid like Radish????

We have always had a positive mutually supportive relationship with both Mom and Dad which continues today. Even after the ten day notice. They are working hard at staying clean and doing the right things. We believe in them and want them to do well.

We spoke and Dad really gets that Radish has some seriously BIG FEELINGS that he needs to direct to the appropriate persons. As I said to Dad..."I don't know why he's so mad at us...we didn't relapse and mess up his move in date!!"

Dad gets it. Our collaborative parenting relationship remains strong and focused on a positive transition for Radish.

MCF is sleeping here tonight. She asked to stay over and go with us to Vermont tomorrow. We'll go up Saturday morning and come home Sunday evening. Her folks think that is great. We think it is great. She thinks it is great. Bucksquat thinks it is great. The Division of Families will think it is strange that we all get along - but OH WELL!!! AK is happy because he misses his 3 little sisters and is happy to have a little girl around. Radish is well...Radish is just RADISH about the whole thing....But the three cats are all pretty stinking happy!!!! They were up on her bed sniffing and investigating...they remembered her. How could they not?????

BADS

When I got back to my house from the drop of at Grandmas I heard this really odd high pitched whistly kind of sound. Room to Room I went...Was it alarm clock? Watch alarm? A faucet left on? Construction vehicles down the road??? What the...
At the basement door it got louder. When I opened the door, it was clear it was coming from the furnace/cement side of the basement - not the finished family room side. When I went down the stairs what do you think I found????? Three inches of water in the entire basement and a burst hot water heater valve....It took me a while to find the shut off valve in a closet ....Three inches of water.....

REALLY REALLY GOODS

It was only water.....it could have been sewer stew...YUCK

It was only 3 inches...it could have been more

I have insurance. Good insurance.

I had been meaning to purge out all that extra furniture and accumulated possessions

The Furnace repair guy arrived quickly and suggested I call the insurance company pronto (good idea on a Friday afternoon...)

The insurance Company had me call one of those disaster recovery firms.

The insurance adjuster came by at 5:00 on a Friday and was AMAZING. He lowered my blood pressure immensely.....

The big green disaster reccovery truck arrived two hours later.

As my children watch a movie and I sit here and type -two wonderful, fabulous, big, burly men are busy working magic in my basement.

They have industrial strength water vaccuums, huge fans, and dehumidifiers the size of refrigerators.

I am so very grateful for their talents and time .......

All in all ---- it has been a very good day

One If By Land and Two If By Sea

As Radish's behaviors have gotten more and more bizzare and dangerous over the past month we have had to get creative. One of his talents is whispering and verbally/physically targeting kids when he thinks the adults aren't looking - and often times he does it on the down low even when we are looking or in the same room or vehicle. Last week while we were driving to VT he was putting a pillow over another child's face because he didn't want the child to look at him. He did not see why I needed to slam on the brakes and pull over and grab the pillow. His behavior is not safe and it is challenging to keep the others safe around him.

As a result we have two other children often in tears and afraid to sleep in the same room because Radish is "scaring them" and "being creepy". Although a recent evaluation deems him a low risk to sexually offend AGAIN, his targeting-predatory-space invading-touching behaviors indicate otherwise. The Division of Family Services wanted us to use a baby monitor in the bedroom of a child who would sleep on A DIFFERENT FLOOR than Radish. Our reply was what about the kids who sleep on the same floor or share a room????? Someone on ANOTHER FLOOR needs a baby monitor for safety??? Holy smokes.

As the adults in the house we are challenged to go through our daily routine and still provide the level of monitoring necessary for safety. I have got to go to the bathroom sometime and go downstairs to switch the laundry etc... Even getting them all to help unload groceries...we are not able to provide the 1:1 monitoring necessary with Radish.

Because he is so smooth and subtle in his targeting / taunting / threatening behaviors we had to get creative: We explained to the other kids that baseball coaches - and athletes - often have secret signals. For coaches it's a way to communicate with their players without everyone knowing...and that we understood that sometimes things are getting out of hand and they might be feeling overwhelmed and want an adult to step in and seperate the kids to give everyone a break/some space...but they don't need us in their face constantly and they don't want to tattle or let Radish know what he is doing is bothering them (which is the golden invitation for repeat performances of the offending behaviors). Also, we explained that we trust that they can work out most of the day to day issues and we don't want to intervene constantly if it isn't what they need from us. They really got it and were relieved!!!!




So the deal is they are to make eye contact with one of us and tug at their earlobe/itch their earlobe. Sort of like how Carol Burnett used to signal her mother at the end of each of her TV Shows. We will then casually step in/interrupt the action without calling attention to anyone or anything in particular. It is not a "Tattle" tool - just a "Take A Break" tool....

The first time AK used it we were at a picnic at friends sitting around the campfire. AK was standing next to me. I am oblivious... clueless...... when he finally says... "My ear really itches." DUHHHHHH!!!!! I responded something about "Oh do you have a mosquito bite? Lets go inside where I have some light and can see it better...." I brougth AK inside, fixed him a juice and directed him to another activity and didn't need to get into the tattle game....Radish continued to play outside....

Anyhow - it was a useful tool to use in a public setting. It allowed everyone a little break and did not engage in the blame game....

Ten Day Notice

About the not so good reasons why I haven't been Blogging. It has been an emotional week for us all. Monday we gave our "10 day notice" to discontinue foster care for RADISH to our local branch office of the state social service agency.

I could write about all the reasons we had not give our 10 day notice before. Mostly it was our belief that if he was asked to leave our home prior to reunifying with is Dad, RADISH would take that as confirmation of his belief that all people are not to be trusted, that we joined the ranks of all who had ever given up on him, that we don't want him to reunify with his Dad etc, etc.... So we'd take a deep breath, reach out for support, talk to the social workers, the therapists, brainstorm with other foster/adoptive parents, read books, educate ourselves, role play interactions/interventions, research the RAD community (that is how we came here and learned of Blogging....) Over and over, this is what we would do.

We began the introductory adoption dance of descriptions, disclosures and visits in April of 2008. In August 2008, the Division of Family Services placed him with us. He loudly and clearly did not want to be adopted. In our anonymous New England state, he was near the age where his consent is needed and his desires are acted upon. His attorney and the Social Service Agency and the court heard him and by winter of 2008, his goal was changed from Adoption to Reunification with bio-Dad. We supported this, and, in fact, were loud and proud advocates for his reunification. All were working toward that goal: solid regular communication, collaborative parenting strategies, frequent visits, etc. A target date to move back with Dad was set for the end of school in June. Things were on track. Dad relapsed in May. The drug-rehab program where Dad lives felt that RADISH should not reunify and move in over the summer – but should instead wait until September. Radish’s therapist left the agency and a new therapist has still not been assigned. School ended. The magic transition date came and went. RADISH is having some seriously big feelings about Dad's relapse and the impact on his postponed reunification. His world is upside down. He denies there is a problem. His already crazy behaviors rapidly spiraled downward. Here we are today.

RADISH did not want to leave his institution/residential program, he wanted to return to his bio-family, he did not want to be adopted, and he did not want to be placed with two moms. As he later said to us, "the only reason I picked you is because you were closer to my Grandmother." We took that as a positive sign - at least he picked us. We are optimists if nothing else. Unfortunately, one cannot parent a child with RAD on optimism alone.

While we and his therapist have long recognized that RADISH's severe attachment and mental health issues were beyond our scope, we continued to provide care because we felt that, ultimately, if we didn't, who would? Where would he go??? He had come from psychiatric hospitalizations, multiple failed foster placements, a 9 month stay in a psych hospital, a long stay in an institutional residential facility, and, finally, to us. How could we not stick with him????

After much soul searching, discussion, belated healthy limit setting, and prayer, we finally were able to make the calls, send out the emails and begin the process. We could no longer ignore the negative impact RADISH's behaviors are having on our family unit, and more importantly, the effects taking hold on the individual children. Thankfully, we were able to dig deep and make the painful decision.

Why I Havent Been Blogging

There are some good reasons (OK - and a few not-so-good reasons) why I haven't been Blogging with any regularity the past two weeeks.

We took AK and Bucksquat to see the GREAT BIG SEA when we brought RADish to have a visit with his Bio-Family. What a blast. The few minutes he actually came out of the water, Bucksquat found a Jelly Fish. Brave, brave boy.



When Radish returned from his visit we headed to Paradise in Northern Vermont. No internet connection. Fresh air. Friends. Glorious friends. Fun. Way too much fun.




Our adventuresome boys tackled the waterfall with confidence and squeals of delight.


They slid down the falls despite the chilly water.

The next next day we promised them we'd take them to see the Canadian border. Oh? We didn't mention we'd walk there?

As Big As The Ocean

This morning we are driving RADish about an hour away to visit his Dad, step-mom and halfsister. He'll stay there in the supervised residential program that his family has been living in since October. Radish was supposed to reunify with his family in June - but Dad's relapse has set us all back. This will be his first overnight visit with Dad since May. This will be my first time facing his father. I've avoided him as I was confident I could not remain an impartial supportive, foster parent. My instinct is to go up to RADish's Dad and grab him by the collar and say "WTF were you thinking?????" Useless logic with an addict.



Anyhow ......we are all exhausted from the fall out of Dad's relapse.



Radish's anxiety is palpable. It is AS BIG AS THE OCEAN - yet he will not acknowledge he might be having feelings. He is crawling on the floor, making noises, clicking/grunting/teeeth grinding, perseverating about the strangest things (during church he was mumbling "Was Jesus born in Islam? Was he? Was he? Was he born in Islam? Was he was he???")



After we drop off RADish - we are taking AK and Bucksquat to THE OCEAN for the time RADISH is gone. The photo above is of Bucksquat in the Ocean off Cape Cod in APRIL....That boy is some cheerful and brave!!!!! AK has not seen the Ocean....and we are all looking forward to sharing the beauty and mystery of the great big Atlantic Ocean with AK, and, if I am to be honest, without Radish.

Goods and Bads

AK had a two hour supervised visit today - the social worker supervisor picked him up and brought him to the office for a visit. I went a little late to pick him up - hoping to avoid the BF (bio family). No such luck. Grandma was in the hall, thanking me for taking such good care of AK. From around the corner all I could hear were sobs and sniffles...from both AK, his little sisters and AK's Mom. Grandma was trying to comfort all and end the visit on a positive note. Bless her heart.

Good: He was able to see his sisters, Grandma and Mom.
Bad: He won't see his family for a weekor two.

In the car AK was able to express how mad he was that his 2 littlest sisters had already gone home to Mom, and doesn't understand why he and his younger sister have to get counseling before they can return. He doesn't see why it could take several weeks. Poor guy.

Good: His sisters are already home.
Bad: He is not.

He doesn't understand why Step-Dad had to move out, why he can't see Step-Dad and Step-Dad can't be around the family.

Good: Can't see Step-Dad
Bad: His nuclear family has imploded.

He's happy we feed him well and do fun things together as a family. He is really looking forward to going with us next week on vacation to see the ocean for the first time. He is so sad he can't be with his family and friends in his own neighborhood. My heart will break when he leaves us.

Good: Foster-Care system
Bad: Foster-Care system