Ten Day Notice

About the not so good reasons why I haven't been Blogging. It has been an emotional week for us all. Monday we gave our "10 day notice" to discontinue foster care for RADISH to our local branch office of the state social service agency.

I could write about all the reasons we had not give our 10 day notice before. Mostly it was our belief that if he was asked to leave our home prior to reunifying with is Dad, RADISH would take that as confirmation of his belief that all people are not to be trusted, that we joined the ranks of all who had ever given up on him, that we don't want him to reunify with his Dad etc, etc.... So we'd take a deep breath, reach out for support, talk to the social workers, the therapists, brainstorm with other foster/adoptive parents, read books, educate ourselves, role play interactions/interventions, research the RAD community (that is how we came here and learned of Blogging....) Over and over, this is what we would do.

We began the introductory adoption dance of descriptions, disclosures and visits in April of 2008. In August 2008, the Division of Family Services placed him with us. He loudly and clearly did not want to be adopted. In our anonymous New England state, he was near the age where his consent is needed and his desires are acted upon. His attorney and the Social Service Agency and the court heard him and by winter of 2008, his goal was changed from Adoption to Reunification with bio-Dad. We supported this, and, in fact, were loud and proud advocates for his reunification. All were working toward that goal: solid regular communication, collaborative parenting strategies, frequent visits, etc. A target date to move back with Dad was set for the end of school in June. Things were on track. Dad relapsed in May. The drug-rehab program where Dad lives felt that RADISH should not reunify and move in over the summer – but should instead wait until September. Radish’s therapist left the agency and a new therapist has still not been assigned. School ended. The magic transition date came and went. RADISH is having some seriously big feelings about Dad's relapse and the impact on his postponed reunification. His world is upside down. He denies there is a problem. His already crazy behaviors rapidly spiraled downward. Here we are today.

RADISH did not want to leave his institution/residential program, he wanted to return to his bio-family, he did not want to be adopted, and he did not want to be placed with two moms. As he later said to us, "the only reason I picked you is because you were closer to my Grandmother." We took that as a positive sign - at least he picked us. We are optimists if nothing else. Unfortunately, one cannot parent a child with RAD on optimism alone.

While we and his therapist have long recognized that RADISH's severe attachment and mental health issues were beyond our scope, we continued to provide care because we felt that, ultimately, if we didn't, who would? Where would he go??? He had come from psychiatric hospitalizations, multiple failed foster placements, a 9 month stay in a psych hospital, a long stay in an institutional residential facility, and, finally, to us. How could we not stick with him????

After much soul searching, discussion, belated healthy limit setting, and prayer, we finally were able to make the calls, send out the emails and begin the process. We could no longer ignore the negative impact RADISH's behaviors are having on our family unit, and more importantly, the effects taking hold on the individual children. Thankfully, we were able to dig deep and make the painful decision.