Yes.
I know.
I should have typed "The LOCUS of CONTROL".
But I didn't.
On purpose.
So there.
Can you tell I spend wayyyyyyyy tooo much time with school aged children????
So, today at work I was thinking about locus of control. How people feel that they do or do not have control over what happens in their lives. That attitude shapes how they approach life. For some, the question is: am I the master of my ship? Or are the waves, the sea, the tides, and the boat builder responsible? Is it an internal locus of control (self, personal energy and action) or is it external (others? fate? chance? luck? God?).
Many of the children I work with at the Elementary School in the Alternative Learning Center (translated: Behavior Program) feel that their lives are run by others (external) and that they have little or no say in what happens. For some, this lack of control extends to their emotions and inability to manage their feelings and control their reactions (internal). Sometimes it seems as though they feel minimal control in their personal lives so they make up for it and are over-controlling of EVERYTHING at school. Even the most mundane task or instruction turns into a battle. YIKES.
Keep in mind these are the same kind of children that I live with!!!! No wonder I am exhausted some days.
Today child X had a spectacular meltdown because X clearly believed, with every fiber in their body, that their idea for the science lesson was best:
Science Meltdown Instructions
1. Do the worksheet packet first ( not last)
2. Completely skip the informational poster
3. Do not read the text book
4. Completely ignore any and all instructions
5. Begin crying, whining and screaming when prompted otherwise.
6. Fling self on floor screaming , flail arms.
7. Repeat steps 4 through 7.
Now, please understand, the poster, book and instructions were essential to correctly completing the packet. Notice I said, correctly. You certainly can do the packet without the textbook, poster or instructions. Which X did. It just won't be done correctly. And if it is not done correctly......Can you see where this is going????? If not, please refer to instructions above.
Any how...the more I thought about it the more I realized that X needed a quick lesson in the management strucure of school and of self.
The principal is in charge of the school
Mrs Z is in charge of the class
and YOU are in charge of your feelings.
Mr Y is the boss of the school
Mrs Z is the boss of the class
and YOU are the boss of your reactions.
X: "I am?"
me: "Yup!
X : "Really?
me: "Yup. Now go be in charge of your feelings"
X: "Okay."
And he did!!!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Waiting (and waiting.....) Rooms
I spend a considerable amount of time each week in therapist's and clinic's waiting rooms....Far more time than I would care to admit. This is the nature of what we do. I imagine, since you have somehow found this blog post, that you too spend part of your week in much the same way. Other moms sit on uncomfortable wooden bleachers in all kinds of weather to watch their son or daughter practice baseball or softball. I sit in clinic waiting rooms hoping our child is getting the emotional coaching they so desperatly need to be successful at school and at home. Some parents sit and wait on lawn chairs watching their child perfect their pitching skills....my kids, however, head behind closed to doors to learn how to better manage their bitching skills.
When you have regular/recurring appointments as we do, you begin to see the same faces each week. Each week for months now, I see the same Mom and brown haired son. We are "regulars" to one another and always exchange pleasantries. Today athey walked in a few minutes late for their four o'clock and they both turn and say hello with a smile and a shrug to me before turning to the receptionist. I realize that they are acknowledging their lateness to me, as though we have some sort of unwritten social contract...which in a strange sort of way, we do. The mom heads in to the therapist's office and the son and I begin our usual small talk. He is nervous when his mom goes in to talk without him and he is left alone in the waiting room. He used to go down the hall and knock a few times each week ("How much longer?") He knows I am both a MOM and a therapy waiting room regular, which, when combined, make me a safe person to talk to. So we talk.
Sadly, I know our foster son does not share that same level of trust with adults (nor with his peers - and certainly not with his therapist). Adults lie, they hurt you, neglect you, molest you, and are unkind. Adults are not to be trusted. Period. Avoid eye contact. Never answer a question directly. Keep a flat affect. Never let em see you sweat (or feel). Do not seek them out for comfort. Lashout when experiencing discomfort. Yep; that's my kid. My RADish.
So while the waiting room conversations are a small comfort to the brown haired boy I see weekly, they are a painful reminder of how very, very far away from OK my own kid is.
When you have regular/recurring appointments as we do, you begin to see the same faces each week. Each week for months now, I see the same Mom and brown haired son. We are "regulars" to one another and always exchange pleasantries. Today athey walked in a few minutes late for their four o'clock and they both turn and say hello with a smile and a shrug to me before turning to the receptionist. I realize that they are acknowledging their lateness to me, as though we have some sort of unwritten social contract...which in a strange sort of way, we do. The mom heads in to the therapist's office and the son and I begin our usual small talk. He is nervous when his mom goes in to talk without him and he is left alone in the waiting room. He used to go down the hall and knock a few times each week ("How much longer?") He knows I am both a MOM and a therapy waiting room regular, which, when combined, make me a safe person to talk to. So we talk.
Sadly, I know our foster son does not share that same level of trust with adults (nor with his peers - and certainly not with his therapist). Adults lie, they hurt you, neglect you, molest you, and are unkind. Adults are not to be trusted. Period. Avoid eye contact. Never answer a question directly. Keep a flat affect. Never let em see you sweat (or feel). Do not seek them out for comfort. Lashout when experiencing discomfort. Yep; that's my kid. My RADish.
So while the waiting room conversations are a small comfort to the brown haired boy I see weekly, they are a painful reminder of how very, very far away from OK my own kid is.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
It's Monday Already!
We got the boys off to bed in reasonable fashion after Extreme Makeover--tomorrow is the finale of Dancing With the Stars--can't wait :-/ We've been trying to figure out how to jazz up our page...added pictures and added a playlist but we got too tired to fix a few things we want to change. Had our first follower!! Time for sleep to energize for all that tomorrow brings! Looking forward to sharing stories and strategies.
Posted by mamadrama at 9:05 PM 0 comments
SUNdays
Lately in New England our SUNdays have been anything but. Dreary, drizzly, downright overcast...but certainly not SUNNY. A perfect day to surf the net and discover the world of BLOGGING. Who knew??? I mean, really!!!! I was so taken by the depth of feeling and comfort offered by many of the blogs I feel drawn to create our own (with the coaching of LOML)WHO WE ARE:LOML 50 something mother , executive director of a nonprofitME almost 50 something mother, educator, quilterWe've been together almost 18 years...We have been doing foster care since 2006, first as a child specific home - and later as an unrestricted home - with no intention of adopting - now look at us!!!!!! Eager to grow our family and learn how to cope with the roller coaster of foster-adoption with older children.Who is in the house?12 yo boy RADISH with us in a preadoptive placement since August 2008, but is reunifying with bio-dad this summer.Our 10 yo boy BUCKSQUAT (adopted from foster care in November) has been with us since August 2007. He is just too stinkin' cute for words. Sprinkled with freckles and spiky reddish brown hair (also known lovongly as our little Chia Pet)Our 19 yo boy?/man? BUCKSHOT making a go at life - attending community college and living in our vacation home in another New England State.Our family has included about a dozen foster children - some stayed years, others just months - many remain connected, all have nestled into our hearts, forever, in their own special way.What will our family look like next month??? next week ?? Who knows. We'll keep you posted.
Posted by mamadrama at 2:48 PM 3 comments
Labels: adopt, foster, RAD, RADISH, reactive attachment disorder
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It's Monday Already!
We got the boys off to bed in reasonable fashion after Extreme Makeover--tomorrow is the finale of Dancing With the Stars--can't wait :-/ We've been trying to figure out how to jazz up our page...added pictures and added a playlist but we got too tired to fix a few things we want to change. Had our first follower!! Time for sleep to energize for all that tomorrow brings! Looking forward to sharing stories and strategies.
Posted by mamadrama at 9:05 PM 0 comments
SUNdays
Lately in New England our SUNdays have been anything but. Dreary, drizzly, downright overcast...but certainly not SUNNY. A perfect day to surf the net and discover the world of BLOGGING. Who knew??? I mean, really!!!! I was so taken by the depth of feeling and comfort offered by many of the blogs I feel drawn to create our own (with the coaching of LOML)WHO WE ARE:LOML 50 something mother , executive director of a nonprofitME almost 50 something mother, educator, quilterWe've been together almost 18 years...We have been doing foster care since 2006, first as a child specific home - and later as an unrestricted home - with no intention of adopting - now look at us!!!!!! Eager to grow our family and learn how to cope with the roller coaster of foster-adoption with older children.Who is in the house?12 yo boy RADISH with us in a preadoptive placement since August 2008, but is reunifying with bio-dad this summer.Our 10 yo boy BUCKSQUAT (adopted from foster care in November) has been with us since August 2007. He is just too stinkin' cute for words. Sprinkled with freckles and spiky reddish brown hair (also known lovongly as our little Chia Pet)Our 19 yo boy?/man? BUCKSHOT making a go at life - attending community college and living in our vacation home in another New England State.Our family has included about a dozen foster children - some stayed years, others just months - many remain connected, all have nestled into our hearts, forever, in their own special way.What will our family look like next month??? next week ?? Who knows. We'll keep you posted.
Posted by mamadrama at 2:48 PM 3 comments
Labels: adopt, foster, RAD, RADISH, reactive attachment disorder
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)
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Posts (Atom)
