The Doctor Won't See You Now

Little Miss Dee came home from the hospital late last night. She's on Tamiflu and a few other lovely meds. She was readmitted to the hospital on Sunday for hypothermia (95 degrees) and treated there for the flu - isolation/gowns/gloves etc. The house is strewn with her gear and equipment. We are all wearing face masks (the boys, begrudgingly so) and fighting to stay healthy. Gavage set ups, stethoscopes and Lysol Wipes in every room.

I am certain the baby's first words will be either "cover your mouth" or "wash your hands".

This morning I took Cal for his allergy testing (as part of his asthma work-up) and there was a huge sign on the office door "Plese do not enter this office if you have any of the following symptoms: fever, cough, cold, headache, body ache, diarreah, vomiting." So there I am with 2 of the symptoms and wearing a face mask at the threshold of the office trying to signal to the receptionist. See Cal is OK and he has the appointment. He isn't symptomatic. I am. I don't have the appointment. I'm just the ride. I waited outside for the her to confer with the Doctor. No go. No appointment. He's been exposed to me. So we rescheduled for next week.

Here I was thinking I was being all paranoid about the baby by keeping Cal and Bucksquat out of school this week because of the flu. Cal was in the ER last Saturday morning with flu symptoms and there are at least 130 kids absent at his school. Who needs the extra exposure?

Apparently I am not the only paranoid in town.

Too True Tuesday

Essie The Accidental Mommie at theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com asked First thing you would spend your lottery money on! Tell the truth! Spare us the crap about buying your kids a Carousel or paying off your parents mortgage. The REAL truth!

The truth - I am all about house and home and staying somewhat local. No exotic islands in the tropics for this girl. That said:

It is a 3 way toss up between Maine, Prince Edward Island and Vermont:

A farmhouse on Pleasant Bay in Addison, Maine or Lubec near Quoddy Light( pretty much anywhere Downeast - Washington County)


Or a seacoast farmhouse with green rolling hills down to the red clay beach on the ocean in Prince Edward Island, Canada


And a big ol farmhouse and acres of mixed land (woods/meadows/stream) in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont.


The clincher would be which place had a better library and better WiFi reception....

Tune Up

Took the little one to the pediatricians yesterday for her NG tube slipping out again from spitting up over the weekend (lovely)- She had the tube changed Friday because she had dislodged it by sneezing and coughing and doing this funky little jackknife move that would make an Olympic diver proud. Anyhow - her temperature was 97 when she arrived and her respirations were 60. Should be in the 40’s. Later during the exam her respirations were 64 with retractions and her temp was 95.5. Not good. Not good at all. The doc made some calls and PICU was waiting for us to drive on over. We didn't need to stop at the desk - just head on up to intensive care. Soon. The doctor thought she should go back to the hospital for a little tune up. OK. Tune up.

Isn't a tune up something you do to a car???

They are trying to figure out what her deal is - why her little body won't grow as it should and why she doesn't seem to be able to regulate her systems. I'm glad she is at the large hospital - when we "checked in" on the floor, the nurses remembered her and thought she looked like she had gained weight...The child-life coordinator (like a concierge) even remembered which mobile she liked and got her favorite little Fisher-Price musical thingy set up on the crib. While the staff were finishing her vitals and admission I went in the bathroom and threw up. Ummmm.... that nausea and headache I'd had all day was clearly NOT from lack of sleep. Yup The Flu. Lovely. I notified staff and scored a mask and some ginger ale and sat way on the other side of the large room until they finished asking me the necessary admissions questions. Baby Dee had the room all to her self. She looked so tiny.

I headed home to the guest room and have been popping white Tylenol and red Ibuprophen like they were Good-n-Plenty candies and have slept mostly of the last 24 hours.

The Other Mother has been playing nurse to us all. Love that woman. Just love her.

When I got up to heat leftovers for dinner Cal thought I should do something with my hair and it might make me feel better. I took a look in the mirror and realized I was one scary looking Foster Mama and headed for the shower.


Cal is still banished to the family room downstairs (with 2 TVs - Guitar Hero, Video games and 3 couches ----- could someone banish me there for a few days...please????? He had flu symptoms Friday: runs/vomiting/fever 103.7 and whistling asthma noises...his pediatrician sent him to the ER Friday night. We arrived at the ER at 1am Saturday and were triaged about an hour and twenty minutes later. He had a hard time understanding that he may have been the sickest person in our house, he clearly was NOT the sickest person in the ER. He was so tired and so sick – he just lay on the linoleum floor in front of the vending machines and slept. I took photos of him laying there in his pajamas and face mask on the linoleum floor. At least laying on the cold floor brought his temp down. Somewhere around 3:30 they put us on a gurney in the hall near x-ray. At 4:00 he had a chest x-ray and was seen by a doctor at about 5:30. The doctor said he didn't have pneumonia and prescribe Tylenol and Ibuprophen for him - but had to go calculate the proper dose of Ibuprohen...Cal is 5' 3" and 150 pounds. Cal was maybe 2 inches shorter than the good doctor but weighed about 10 pounds more....It took the doctor 45 minutes to “calculate” Cal needed 3 Ibuprophen. Great. Now can we go???? Because there aint no Tylenol or Ibuprophen here..... HOLY SMOKES was I glad to get him home and back cozy on the couch....

Cal has court tomorrow. It's not looking good that he'll go home. When I told his Social Worker that Cal had an appointment with his therapist later in the day, after court, she said “good – because I think he’s gonna need it” GREAT. His Social Worker won't be there but the supervisor will. Cal spoke to Grandma tonight. Apparently, Cal's mostly absent/uninvolved bio Dad has flown up from a far-away-southern state to lend moral support. Cal is mad and does not want his support or to see him or talk to him.. I think he is afraid he will be sent to the far-away state to live with Bio Dad. He visited Bio Dad over the summer - flew down and spent a week. I think this was his first time spending time with him since he was real little. So he hung up with Gram and had a good cry in the Family Room. Poor kid.

So Cal is on the mend from the flu and now Bucksquat has a little cough going (not uncommon for him after playing soccer...but I am being an optimist) I can't go back to the hospital for a day or so after I am symptom free....In the meantime I know she is well cared for and Bio Mom is visiting her tonight with staffing support. I'm glad Baby Dee’s not alone.

Calendar Girl

Visiting Nurse today. Social worker this evening. Cardiologist appointment tomorrow morning. Pediatrician Friday morning. Early Intervention Friday late morning. Pediatirc Gastroenterologist Monday morning. Pulmonologist first week in Nov. Geneticist will call us to set appointment once results are in.

Hmmmmmm. I'm gonna need a bigger calendar.

BIONIC ROBO BABY MEETS THE MOMMIES

The hospital called yesterday morning and said they'd be able to discharge Baby Dee -if I could come in for one more feeding to learn how to do her regular and NG tube feedings. When I arrived she was downstairs in neurology having a sleep study (kinda like an EEG). Oh My Goodness!!! - she was hooked up to about a bazillion little wires attached to leads all over her head and face and other leads and different interesting wires taped to her nostrils...in additon to the usual leads and wiress taped to her chest. She also had wires between her toes and an oxygen monitor on her other foot. She looked like a bad science fiction movie version of BIONIC ROBO BABY. Seriously - and trying to reposition her for feeding without tangling her was almost like following a complicated knitting pattern.

The Good News is (and if you've read my blog long enough you know there is ALWAYS Good News) now that I've seen her all hooked up to the machinery - when you take the wires and monitors away she is just a lttle baby...and I do mean LITTLE. She is still a little over 6 pounds at three months. YIKES.

She has pretty labored breathing that changes to gasps with fairly loud stridor (squeaky wheezy gaspy whistle sound...) Dee has some vomiting skills that would make fraternity boys blush. The good news is with her gaspy loud breathing you at least know she is breathing!!!! When she's quiet you need to worry.

From there we proceded to finish off her feeeding through her naso gastric tube (NG tube. It's process for such a little peanut: checking for placement with stethoscope anda small syringe, feeding with a large syringe, venting gas, flushing with a small syringe and such. We do her medicine through the NG tube as well.

We made a discharge plan to return after 5pm to meet with DFS social worker and her team to go over final instructions. I left the hospital and ran a few errands before picking up Cal at school for therapy. OK I went to Babies R Us to find the exact little Fisher Price sound/light machine she had attached to her hospital crib so she would have familiar sounds.....Then home to start dinner until the sitter arrived for the boys.

I didn't leave the hospital until almost 8:30 because she had a few odd episodes - mottling of her skin then going cold and clammy...then her extremities blanched grey white (she's biracial so this localized color change was obvious) but would refill. After we calmed down she decided to impress us with some mucousy vomiting and turning purple and getting very hot and dry. NICE. Then it took 12 minutes to get two vials of blood for more genetic testing. OUCH. Finally we got to leave!!!

The Good News is now I've seen some of her more impressive quirks, I have a much better understanding of the wide array of medically confusing issues she can present in a short amount of time.

Well, we made it through the midnight, 3 and 6 am feedings...but I never did get my nap.....

Finally, Some Baby News

FINALLY!!!!! News from the hospital this afternoon - they are NOT discharging Baby Dee until Wednesday mid-day. I have been pacing and pacing and waiting and waiting!!!!! Wednesday will be a big meet up at the hospital with Social Workers, Supervisors and Division oF Families Nurses and The Other Mother and me....for training and planning....

They will discharge baby Dee to us with oxygen but will remove the NG tube prior to discharge. She still is not gaining weight and they are concerned overall about her ability to effectively feed and gain weight - she has trouble with 2 ounces every two hours...very sluggish.

That leaves me a day or so to get a few more things done that will be challenging with a little one and when I am sleep deprived. Maybe I should go take a nap.

Adoption - Everyone is Doing It

Tonight while I was cooking dinner Cal and Bucksquat were watching SpongeBob. Yes. Sponge Bob. Don't ask - we have free cable for a month.

Cal: I don't get it. How can a crab have a whale?
Bucksquat: Maybe he adopted.
Me: Who had a whale?
Cal: Mr. Crabs
Me: What?
Bucksquat: Mr. Crabs. His daughter is a whale but he's a crab
Me: Oh.
Cal: Yeah. I don't see how.
Bucksquat: Maybe adoption.
Cal Hmmn...
Me: Oh.

OK. I don't know which is stranger. The fact that they were discussing the genetic improbability of a crab birthing a whale, or that they found a way to explain it.

Waiting and Wishing

I paced all morning and busied myself with errands waiting for the phone call to pick up the baby. Finally in the early afternoon, the hospital decided that baby D is much sicker than they thought. The good news is the hosiptal is keeping her for the weekend and will make a discharge determination on Monday. The longer she is in the hospital, the better their chances of figuring out what is up with her. They've at least ruled out heart problems. They think it might be genetic or GI so they are doing more testing.

Anyhow: The hospital social worker said if baby D can tolerate feedings, she will need to be on oxygen when feeding. Otherwise they'll do a naso-gastric tube which she'll keep in after discharge. The hospital social worker thought she should be discharged to a medically skilled foster home. Yeah. So do we. Apparently there are not any around here - otherwise they wouldn't be thinking of placing her with us...YIKES. This is more than a little reflux and Failure To Thrive. She needs to be where she'll get the best care - even if it means, sadly, that she'll be too far away to frequently see her bio-Mom.

The Other Mother and I were relieved baby D is getting the best care in a hospital setting- and relieved to know it is a medical thing - not lack of food/care from her Mom. Our two boys were a little sad that she wasn't here when they got home from school. Tomorrow I think I need to re-explain that the baby is very very sick and she may be too sick to come home to our house and may need to go to a house where there is a nurse all the time. I think the boys have it in their minds they are going to teach her football next week...I think I need to re-explain it to myself as well. I sort of feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride.

It was a crazy 24 hour rush of borrowing things from our neighbors and heading to WalMart for basic basic baby supplies like diapers and blankets and onesies. Now we have our house outfitted with changing stations on each floor, a swing in the kitchen, a wrap around bolster next to the recliner, a bouncy chair in the living room, a basket of bottles in the kitchen, a diaper bag in the van and at the back door and a cradle and a little clothes nightstand in our bedroom.. A great email to/from Dia on diapers and sling advice, a trip this morning to two libraries to get books on premie care, attachment parenting, basic baby care, ....we have everything but the baby. It is all very Strange.

Which brings me to the next issue. Now DFS knows that even though we said NO NO NO BABIES we were (and still are) willing to take a medically challenged infant. Even if baby D does not come to our home on Monday, I probably shouldn't put the baby supplies away just yet.

A baby???

Tomorrow morning I drive to a large hospital here in New England and after training and consults will pick up a tiny little baby. She is about 6 pounds. Six pounds is a good size for a newborn - except this little girl is several months old.

She has some medical problems and sometimes stops breathing. She is considered failure to thrive and they are testing her for many other problems. At just a few months, she has been in the hosital several times and already has specialists and Visiting Nurses that come to the program where she was living with her Bio Mom and school aged brother. Bio-Mom has Developmental Disabilites and is living in a drug rehab shelter very near to our home. Less than a mile, actually. According to the Visiting Nurses, Mom loves her baby and they are bonded. Bio-Mom is doing the best she can - and right now the Shelter Staff, Nurses, Doctors, Social Workers and Courts think that isn't good enough. That isn't safe enough. Her baby stops breathing. Mom can't safely care for her. My heart breaks for Mom.

I'd like to think the reason we were called was because DFS knows how hard we work to support reunification plans and our willingness to coach and mentor the parents of the children we care for. Our ongoing relationship with RADISH and his family is a good example. DFS also knows we are experienced and comfortable working with folks with Mental Retardation. The Other Mother and I have both worked for many years with folks with a variety of cognitive and physical challenges. That may be a plus, but that's not why they are placing this baby with us.

I'd like to think it is because we are experienced with medically fragile infants. But the truth is we are not.

I'd like to think it is because we are experienced at fostering infants. But the truth is we haven't had an infant in our home since Buckshot was a wee babe almost twenty years ago. Our skill set is RAD, PTSD or Crazy Teens. Not babies.

I'd like to think it is because we caught the baby bug and asked for infants. But the truth is we just yesterday afternoon had our annual re-licensing evaluation where we told out family social worker that we would take boys 5-18, and would be comfortable adopting older teen boys or a sibling group of 2-3 boys. Only boys. DFS prefers not to place boys and girls together, and we already have Bucksquat and Cal. A housefull of boys. A housefull of brothers. A housefull of teens. Anything but babies.

I'd like to think it is because our Social Worker didn't hear us or ignored us. But the truth is we saw her again, last night, at our monthly Foster Parent Support Group training night. Good training. GREAT trainer. We have heard this trainer speak before and just LOVE her. She brought her stinking cute baby and the six of us moms and our social worker took turns holding, cuddling, bouncing and making ridiculous noises to entertain this sweet little guy. After playing pass the baby we again reminded our Social Worker "no babies".

So today our Social worker called and asked us to take a medically challenged infant.

Why??? Do you want to hear the sad truth or the happy truth first???

The Happy Truth for this litle baby and Mom is we can support their bonded parent relationship through frequent visits because we live less than a mile from Bio-Mom's Shelter and just a few minutes from a very good hospital. We are willing to be trained, willing to have Visiting Nurses in our home, willing to try. GOOD JOB DFS!!!

And the Sad truth??? The Sad Truth is that we were the best option for this little girl and her Mom. The Sad truth is there are not enough foster families out there who are skilled, willing and able to care for the wide range of folks most in need.

Please, Please, Please ask someone you know to consider becoming a foster parent.

Better Call DCF

Bucksquat's PTSD often manifests itself with irratation, explosion and blame on an imagined, real or inflated injustice. There is an accusation or two, follwed by some screaming, raging, slamming and crying. Fun. He usually targets one person as the focus of his rage. Lucky Cal was the winnner last Wednesday. Bucksquat was screaming loud in the car after his soccer match and midway through decided it was all Cal's fault that Bucksquat suddenly had a headache. Michael and Adam suggested he shouldn't be so loud if he had a headache. It quickly went downhill from there. Instant meltdown. FUN

Cal, last Wednesday, on his third day at the new school in our town, got into a swearing match with a kid. Cal was called the N word (Cal is bi-racial). This happened when a teacher left the room to copy and left the substitute aid in charge. That's not WHY it happened - just WHEN it happened. It quickly got out of hand and Cal and the other boy received ISS (In School Suspension). Yeah. Nice first impression. He then tried to cover like nothing happened in school. This was all follwed by the Bucksquat altercation. FUN.

Cal and Bucksquat's consequence (for the meltdown and ISS) was to frost, decorate and serve us dessert: cupcakes and these cute little cupcakes stuffed into an ice cream cone that I had baked earlier....We had our chice of cupcake or cupcake in a cone and our choice of beverage. Yum. They joined in of course - but the idea was to make them work cooperatively and deal with each other first- and make our lives more pleasant as a result of their cooperation. FUN.

Thanks to all you AMAZING blogging Moms who have shown us how to switch it up. This was wayyyyy more yummy than sending them to their rooms.....

There is some serious Vanilla Funfetti with Rainbow Sprinkled discipline going on in our house. Better call DCF (Department of Cakes and Frosting).....

Hoarding

Lee's post earlier this month at http://familiesrbuiltwithlove.blogspot.com/ reminded me about our own family's experiences with hoarding. Last year, through a nearby University, our family was asked to participate in a research study on hoarding behaviors in children in the foster care system. Haven't heard what this research project found out - but I can share our personal experiences.

One of our older daughters was/is a food hoarder. Candy wrapers, bags. Did you know cranbery juice makes a lovely tourquoise mold???? Ummmm. Any how, after the dog barfing in her room a few times, we had to ask that she keep her food stash in a clear plastic shoe box container - up high, so the dogs wouldn't get into it. She could still have it/see it/get the comfort/but we didn't have to deal with the dog-sick and mess in her room. Also what she hoarded/actually ate/binged on was a good barometer to her current mental health and anxiety levels. Wish I could say the clear shoe box was our idea - but we heard it at a New England Regional Foster Parent Conference.

Bucksquat's hoarding is little more complex. He happily hoards his candy when other kids would want to eat it. Who doesn't eat Halloween candy for goodness sake???? He is comfortable just having it in the cabinets and not eating it. It doesn't need to be in his room.

He also hoards games/toys. If he gets a present, say for Christmas or his Birthday, it will sit on the top shelf of his closet - often with the cellophane wrapper still on. He may take it down and attempt to play a turn-taking game designed for four players, solo. Alone. He'll then put the game back on the shelf where it will sit, and not get touched by anyone else.

Another example is a model car kit - he LOVEs automobiles. You'd think he'd want to assemble it. Nope. For two years the pieces from the kit sat in the colorful birthday bag on the top of his closet. He was happy hoarding the pieces...and did not need an assembled car.

My hoarding is a little more socially camouflaged. For example. I am a quilter. Therefore I have a large fabric stash. I don't understand it myself, but if you know a quilter, you have seen how collecting fabric can be a problem. Of course, We don't think it is a problem. Not one little tiny bit.

I have also been known to come home from TJ M*XX with several of something. Recently: five scrapbooks (they were regularly $19.99 and I got them for $3.00 each on clearance. Wouldn't they make great Christmas presents for Bucksquat and his 3 sisters this year???? A whole theme gift...maybe with little disposable cameras, cool art paper and glue sticks and such....)

My other favorite way to hoard is to grocery shop bargains. I buy what we eat and regularly use - I just "stock up" when it is on sale. The Other Mother teases me when I bring home yet another 12 pack of toilet tissue to store in the closet - or under the bed. Scott Tissue, On Sale - $3.00 off the regular price!!! "Oh yeah, right -like we are suddenly going to stop needing to buy toilet paper" - I rationalize to myself... So what if there are 4 other packages already under the bed. It was ON SALE for goodness sakes!

We are still trying to figure out how to approach this hoarding thing. For now, the Other Mother looks the other way when I come home from TJ M*xx or W*lM*rt and is resigned to the fact that we will NEVER run out of toilet paper

B.H.A.G.

A new vocabulary word: B.H.A.G. Let me explain. The Other Mother, an Executive Director of a large non-profit organization had a Strategic Planning Session yesterday with her Board of Directors facilitated by a Regional person from the Big National Organization. Anyhow - after much thoughtful discussion, clarifying excercises and mindful processing, the Facilitator challenged the Board to write down and articulate their B.H.A.G. Pronounced Bee-HAG.....

I never heard of it. Bee Hag???? What on earth is a Bee Hag.

Well, Dear Readers...A BHAG is a BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOAL. Where you want to go...what you want to do...and how are you gonna get there....step by step...

I think I need to get me one of those......

Tonight and Tomorrow

Tonight we try to collect, wash and fit all their stuff back into their backpacks. Tomorrow, after school, Michael and Adam head back to their foster home after a week of respite at our house. We will miss them and have let them know they are welcome back for a visit anytime. Great teens. It was so nice having a house full of boys and young men....

Check out Shanti's blog

Check out Shanti's blog http://wechoseadoption.blogspot.com/

An Award!!!!!

Cool! Essie, the Accidental Mommy was sweet enough to nominate several of her blogging friends for an award! I am pleased to return the favor by nominating some amazing blogging folks below.

This award does come with a few rules;
Copy and paste this onto a new post in your blog. Write your own answers to the questions below. Remember -you can only use one word answers! (It is just too hard for some answers!) Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers by including their links! Post on your blog. Alert them that you have given them this award. Simple. So go ahead get started.... Have Fun!
_______________________________________________________
Where is your cell phone?- Someone needs to call it – car.
Your hair? -wispy
Your mother?- smart
Your father? – kind
Your favorite food?- pasta
Your dream last night?- relaxing
Your favorite drink? coffee
Your dream/goal? – a house full
What room are you in?- bedroom
Your hobby?- quilting
Your Fear?- mediocrity
Where do you want to be in 6 years? – Vermont
Where were you last night? – Foster Parent Recruitment Meeting
Something that you aren’t? shy
Muffins? Morning Glory
Wish list item? Ford F150
Where did you grow up? New Jersey
Last thing you did? baked cupcakes
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? off
Your pets? catsndogs
Friends? understanding
Your life? rich
Your mood? satisfied
Missing someone? yes
Vehicle? mini-van
Something you’re not wearing? watch
Your favorite store? Kohls
Your favorite color? Green
When was the last time you laughed? dinner
Last time you cried? yesterday
One place that I go to over and over? Cape Cod
One person who emails me regularly? Patty
Favorite place to eat? Friendly's

I am going to nominate the six bloggers below - so we can get to know you better. Be sure to check out their blogs and Essie's too:

Here they are:
http://nottheusualtickingclock.blogspot.com/
http://familiesrbuiltwithlove.blogspot.com/
http://buckfieldzmadmomma.blogspot.com/
http://fostermamas.blogspot.com/
http://eyesopenedwider.blogspot.com/
http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/

Special Thanks to Essie at http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/

License and Registration Ma'am

I am mortified that I deleted a perfectly lovely comment from some nice reader named Karen. Sorry. I clearly still don't know which button does what. I should probably get some sort of a blogging ticket-or at least a warning!!!

The Sense God gave You

Cal switched schools this week. No more driving 45 minutes each way, twice a day. I'm thinking of getting a part time job with Fed Ex or some other long-haul trucking outfit...I am so used to sitting in the car for a good 3 hours a day I am lost without driving....

Anyhow -
While waiting for the school bus with Cal at the bottom of the driveway this morning he starts complaining about how cold he is. Of course he is cold. He is wearing nylon gym shorts and a T shirt and it is raining out. Remember we live in New England. It is Fall. It is freaking COLD in the mornings. On top of the COLD, it is DAMP and WET because it is raining.

For several months now, there has been major construction happening on our street as they widen the road and lay new pipes. Big yellow noisy construction vehicles are digging and beeping and growling each morning. Backhoes and Excavators are everywhere, along with the big burly men who drive them. Please note: the big burly construction men are wearing hooded sweatshirts over their T orange T-shirts and blue jeans. Not shorts and T shirts. Sweatshirts and pants.

Cal: When is the bus coming? I'm cold.
Me: Where's your jacket?
Cal: Nah, I'm good. I'm just cold.
Me: Look at that man over there what is he wearing?
Cal: Green.
Me: What else?
Cal: Orange.
Me: HE's wearing a sweatshirt and pants and he's working hard and moving around. All you have on is shorts and T shirt. You're dressed for summer!
Cal: Well Yeah. I get hot in school.
Me: You don't eat breakfast then say you are hungry. You don't wear a jacket and say you are cold.
Cal : Ummmm.
Me: Ummm-Hmmm. Honey you are NOT using the sense God gave you.
Cal: Yes I am.

Just not today.

Buckshot and Bucksquat

Ok The Buckshot- Bucksquat thing works in real life but is NOT working on my blog. I keep mixing up their names....which makes for strange posts I am sure. BuckSQUAT (the 10 year old) is having the super crazy meltdowns lately- Buck SHOT is doing well as a college student living in Vermont. I just had to go back and edit yesterday's post UNHINGED to get the names straight.

Buckshot and Bucksquat are terms we use lovingly - though some readers may take offense. It started first when our oldest Alex was nicknamed Buckshot by some of his friends in high school and it sort of stuck...Why he is called that I really don't know...

Bucksquat is a shorter version of Buckshot...thus the "squat". Again, no offense meant.

But I am going to have to come up with better names......

Unhinged

Busy night here. Right before dinner there was a fist fight between the two new boys here on respite. Their foster Mom said sometimes they can get physical - then they get over it. Great. I told them I didn't care what it was about or who started it - the rule here is we don't lay hands on you and you don't lay hands on anyone else. This is a safe house and you can't feel safe if people are going around hitting one another.

Bucksquat had yet another meltdown tonight. This was way before Adam and Michael went at it. Bucksquat was slamming doors. Swearing. Saying how horrible we were. Etc Etc. You know the drill. The Other Mother took her trusty hammer and screwdriver and took his bedroom door off the hinges. There it sits on it's side resting against the dining room table. In our house if you scream and slam doors, you lose the privelege of having a door. Very concrete consequence and makes the point.(I just love her!) He freaked out began barricading his door with furnitue and push pinning a sheet over the door. He's resourceful if nothing else. He didn't like it when we wouldn't let him unscrew his coat hooks off his bedroom door. Oh well. He went and sat outside on the covered front porch in the rain until dinner. He ate with us and after dinner thought he'd stroll on downstairs for some video games. UMMMM No. Go sit at the table. We need to talk.

There is so much going on with him that I don't know where to begin - I read another blog describing how on a visit with other RAD families their son was tring to triangulate...They could have been writing about my kid. ARGH. I get that it is part of his RAD and PTSD but I am so NOT OK with his escalating meltdowns and upping the ante..He has gotten physical..he won't be 10 and 95 pounds forever.

For now we are keeping him close and have taken most of his stuff out of his room and placed it in storage tubs in the basement. He has his books, all the things on his wall and family photos. We just packed up what was on the desk and bureau and the toys on the floor. He clearly is having trouble managing his life- and we said we'd help him.

We told him he was out of control and we'd help him get back in control. He would stay close to us. Tonight he could sit at the table or go to bed. He sat at the kitchen table tonight after supper while the Other Mother sat at the table and finished the Dan Brown book she had been reading. I filed bills at the big desk on the other side of the kitchen. My Goodness he just didn't stop. Time "IN" with him is such a chore. He is so hard to tune out. Every 30 seconds he'd try to engage "You hate me" "You are making my life horrible" "Why did you ever adopt me" "I hate you". So from 6:30 - 7:30 he just went on and on and on. And on. I gave him reminders that he needed to SIT the table (he was laying upside down in the chair with his head under the table and feet in the air.. and he had to be QUIET....I set the timer at 7:30 for an hour and had to start it over a few times. each time he'd start in "When will I get my door back" "You suck", the timer would go back to 60 minutes. He needed to do 60 minutes QUIET to balance out his 60 minutes LOUD...

Finally he did it....and was finished at 8:47. Just in time for the BRUSH nad FLUSH to get ready for bed. I told him his behavior was unacceptable and if he continued and chose to act like that again he could expect his nights looking very similar to how he spent tonight. Finally once he was in bed he broke down crying "I miss my room" ARGGHHHH. I am sooooo tired.

Empty Nest

Michael (14) and Adam (15) arrived for a week of respite and join Cal (12) and Bucksquat (10). A full house. Well, a fuller house by my standards. I am practically an empty nester to some of you with children in the double digits !!! Our oldest boy/man, Buckshot (19) is away at college in Vermont. The girls, (both 21) have been on their own for two years now.

The girls. Our older girls. Women, really.

I don't blog much about them for several reasons. Blogging for me is pretty much about what is in my face. Catharsis. Processing STUFF. The here and now. They are neither here nor now. They are adult women. They no longer live in our home. They both have big, CRAZY, (Did I say CRAZY???) biological families that they are reconnected with in varying states of dysfunction (Was that my out-loud voice????) Although we would not choose the paths they are on, we are at peace with who they are and where they are going. And sadly resigned to where they are not going (That was my out-loud voice. Wasn't it? Damn.)

Our oldest daughter called the other day. Diane is soon to be 22. She rolls in and out of our lives - seems to reach out and connect with us at life intersections: switching college, birthday, changing apartments, losing a job....She is the only one of our children that calls us Mom. Strange.

Admitedly she calls us Ma, Mummy, MaMa, Mom, Mumma, and Moms all in the same sentence. It feels like she is practicing, trying on all the different variations of MOTHER with us. The interesting thing is she calls her Bio-Mom by her first name. As in "I'm going to Florida for Thanksgiving to see Sandy. Sandy called last week and said...." Hmmmmmmm. Sandy is Sandy - but we are Moms. Diane's telephone messages are ALWAYS "Hey MOMS it's me, Diane". This always cracks me up - because no one else calls us Mom. Like who else would it be on the phone besides her???

Diane came to us at 17. She had given birth at 15 while in foster care and had lovingly placed her baby boy, Andrew, in an adoptive home in New England. She selected the adopting parents, Tom and Linda, based on their scrapbook, through an agency and was able to maintain email and letter contact with the family. She could have once yearly visits ending when the child turned 4. Years 1 and 3 she saw Andrew. Year 2 was way too difficult - she was an emotional wreck and she wisely chose not to have a visit. She hasn't told us what she did on his fourth birthday. I suspect she did not see him. The adoptive parents had written Diane this spring and let her know that Andrew was now a big brother. They had adopted an infant girl. Diane can't talk about it. I think the reality hit. If Andrew is a a big brother then he really has connections with Tom and Linda, and really is a part of their family.

She had this fantasy (although when she talked about it, it was clearly her reality) that Tom and Linda were just taking care of Andrew until he was older. Linda wasn't his mother - she was just taking care of him. YIKES!!! Anyhow - the new baby sister burst Diane's fantasy and now she doesn't talk about it. How absolutely painful.

In some ways that fantasy was helpful to Diane maintaining the delicate balance of everyday living. Her PTSD, reactive attachment issues, major learning disabilities, and mental health issues made everyday living HARD for Diane. She would say she was getting good grades in case Andrew were to find her, She wanted to go to college (which she has done!!!Yay her!!!) for Andrew...she wasn't doing those things for her - but for Andrew... Regardless of her motivations, we are very proud of her accomplishments and her ability to rise above the many challenges she has faced. She's done the apartment, college job thing - but floats in and out of the world of adult responsibility. Don't we all sometimes....

Anyhow - Diane called and said she wanted to bring by her boyfriend of six months for dinner to meet the Moms. YIKES. This really could be serious. I wonder what he'll call us??? I'll keep you posted.

Just Another Story To Tell

Cal talks to Grandma on the phone every day after school. Yesterday he took the news of his Mom still being sick and in the hospital better than I thought - and was happy to hear that her surgery went well and she is feeling better. Cal says to Grandma "So is Mom working hard to get me back?" Ummm Hon- she is really sick and just had surgery. Ummmm she's in the hospital and I don't think she went job or apartment hunting today.

Wow. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

He has a plan for saying his goodbyes at his old school and his teacher is doing something special with the kids today for him. Tomorrow, Friday, is his last day. His whole class is going on a really cool all day field trip on a large boat, on a major river, for earth science and geography.

So Cal says this morning on the long drive to school: "I can't wait until I go home. Then this will all be just another story to tell." What a great attitude!!!