Disruption As A Blessing

In November 2008 we adopted our youngest son Bobby. He came to us from disruptions. Yes. Plural. As in more than one disruption. He arrived in foster care at age 5 and was in his first foster/preadoptive home for almost two years before his first disruption. Therapy, counseling, in home treatment team, multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, committed social workers and they still disrupted.

Next- he went to a very experienced foster/adoptive home on a preadoptive placement to join 2 of his 3 older sisters; his third older sister was in foster care with us. This very experienced preadoptive family has adult children and have adopted four or five kids and have fostered several hundred. They have been doing this for over 20 years. Anyhow, after less than half a year, the VERY experienced foster/adoptive home disrupted too. Mind you - 20 years experience, they had two of his three older sisters and still disrupted.

He then went to a residential treatment program. In July of 2007 we brought his sister to visit him at Residential Treatment and we fell in love with him. We tried to deny it and avoided talking about it for a while. We only fostered teens. We were not looking to adopt. We had a five year Plan (move to Vermont when our 3 teens graduate High School). Despite our best planning,

The Other Mother and I fell head over heels for this young boy and welcomed him into our hearts and home in August of 2007. It has been a challenging and blessed experience for us all. Did I say challenging??? Bobby has come a thousand miles from where he was.
This is where he was meant to land. With us. This is where he fits. Nestled in our hearts. I just can't imagine our life without him.


I am feeling hopeful for You, Dear Readers, and Me and the other families and children touched by disruption...I am so very sorry it happens - and ever so glad that it happens, too. Otherwise, without disruptions, we wouldn't have Bobby.

Self Portrait

Recently, it has come to our attention, and also to the attention of the Social Worker and Social Worker supervisor to whom we reported this on Friday, that someone we know is developing an appreciation of art. Not landscapes, but Portraits. Self portraits to be exact. SELF. Portraits.

Oil? Acrylic? Watercolor, you ask.

No.


Camera phone.

Yeah - THAT kind of SELF portrait.....

I am sooooo not ready for this.

Stay-Cation

Although this is school vacation week - and I have had bags/boxes of stuff headed for Vermont packed and stacked by the back door for weeks....we are just NOT going anywhere - We are having ourselves a little stay-cation....

The combination of a miserable, disregulated, crazy, triggered, disrespectful, never-ending, God-Awful RADical snowday on Wednesday, whose after-math was still felt on Thursday, and the baby having her first sleepover with bio-Mom, along with Cal returning home to Bio-Mom on Friday morning has just done us in. We are emotionally spent and just need to hunker down and REST. Never mind Christine's challenge. I'm talking REST.

Surprisingly, the baby has been a dream and the kids, AK (14) and Bobby (11), have been both cooperative and quiet. They have been playing well and relaxing as much as we have been. No frenetic play, no disregulation (yet). Just kids being kids. Nice.

I'll let you know how long it lasts.

ChChChChCHANGES

Cal goes home in the morning. Back to Mom. The baby is on her first overnight stay with her Mom since she came into care in October. Everyone is asleep but me. Usually the baby's raspy, gaspy, wheezy, whistly, stridor fills the silence. Not tonight. It is too quiet here. Too quiet.

Mixed Feelings

Let's see....Last Friday was Cal's team meeting at DFS where I did, indeed, draw the short straw and had the pleasure of telling 2 attornies, Bio Mom, Nana, and the Social Worker all about Cal's recent school suspension (#5, I think) and disclosure that he sees a person who lives in his closet that talks to him: GOOD TIMES!!!!!

I explained that we care about Cal and wanted them to know what we were seeeing. That we are seeing a greater frequency of his outburts at home and suspendable behavior episodes at school, the time between episodes is shortening and the duration of the episodes are lengthening...in additon he has been recently diagnosed with Tourettes, and that Tourettes often does not like to travel alone - we may be seeing the beginnings of something else going on for Cal. I'm no therapist, but as his foster Mom, I am worried.....

Mom's attorney tried to "pooh-pooh" all that I said ....he suggested it was because Cal was under stress over being in foster care and there was nothing to worry about once he came home to Bio-Mom.

Anyhow - who cares what the lawyer said - Nana totally appreciated me sharing and Mom really heard my concerns and was able to filter the gory details I was spewing. The Social Worker was releived to have slithered out of actually having to do the discloure....My intention was to give them a "heads up"...and I think it was successful.

So the end result is Cal goes home to Mom this Friday. He called Nana about an hour after the meeting and she told him the good news. We call it a HAPPY-SAD...happy you are going home, but sad you won't be with us.....He is crawling out of his skin excited and is so manic-hyper...and so worried about all the changes...Tough time for him.

He has very mixed feelings about going home - and so do we.

It's A Small World (After All)

ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!
That's the best way to describe the feeling I had one day last Spring when I read a comment on my blog and realized: HOLY CRAP!!!THEY KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE!!!! It's kinda funny now - but then I was soooo completely freaked out and ultra-paranoid about anyone knowing who I was. Now I'm just a little nervous and moderately paranoid.

I mean it was all OK to write about and post all the crazy, embarassing, frustrating, RADical, REAL parenting moments in my home to an entire world of strangers, just as long as I remained anonymous. I felt a little freaked out because of the whole foster care confidentiality issue and still feel that I have to be a little hyper-vigilant to continue to protect the anonymity of the foster children in our home... I don't even say what state I live here in New England. It is, however, implied we are within a day's drive of our vacation home in Vermont. That narrows it down to six or seven states. See. Not too paranoid.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about this - or if you even tried to be anonymous. Some of the blogs I read use fake names for all family members - others use real names for adopted kids and fake for the rest. Others use their first and last names or even location identifiers. Some seem to share with family members and friends but never with Social Workers or therapists- professional boundaries and all...It is such a range.

Anyhow - it turns out the commentator that knew IRL us had praises for our parenting and words of encouragement. PHEW. Turns out they too have a blog and write as a way to process the ups and downs of foster parenting. Fancy that!! We see each other at Foster Parent Events in our part of the state and know some of the same Social Workers and get mired down by the same Bureaucracy. It's a small world.

Since that time I have tested the waters and relaxed a little. I sent the blog address to a few of our friends who live away and also to a far-away cousin as a tool to keep them connected with the comings and goings of our family. It felt good. No longer did I have to answer the inevitable "So how are things going?" with a mindlessly vague "good". With access to my blog, they really knew how we were doing. Sometimes it was good. Most of the times it was a little crazy. I still haven't shared my blog with anyone local or anyone in my direct everyday circle. That feels too raw right now. I'm not ready.

So now that I am a little more relaxed (still a little paranoid, though) I don't care too much who finds me or reads me, or what they think. What I do care about are the kids I parent. Deeply. I care about learning as much as I can to be a better parent and stay one step ahead of our children. I care about not burning out as a foster parent. I care about balancing the stress of parenting difficult children so it never becomes a wedge in my relationship with The Other Mother. My blog is essential to maintaining my sanity. I hope my posts remain respectful, humorous and honest.

Oh, and if you should be walking down the street one day and recognize me or my kids...please introduce yourself and say "hi!". I'll try not to freak out.

Energizers and Drains

Today while I was getting some re-energizing time time with the Mountain Town Moms (four women from our monthly foster/adopt group), our 12 year old CAL was at school getting himself suspended for 2 days for slamming a kids hand with a lap top computer and then pushing the kid to the ground. He did this because he claims the kid was unkind saying things about his Mom. When the principal interviewed most of the class, not one person could substantiate any of CALS story. Lovely. So is he really being taunted at school ? or is this part of his crazy stuff? On top of the visual hallucinations (Frank)- now we have auditory halluncinations too? This is his 5th suspension since arriving to our home in Sept. What a freaking drain.

Tomorrow there is a meeting (scheduled last week, before all this brou-ha-ha) to talk about CAL returning home. Attornies, Social Worker and Supervisor, Mom, Nana and me. Good times. Mom has completed all her tasks and is tapping her feet to get CAL home. I was invited to attend and share info (Hhhhhmmmnnnn...maybe I drew the short straw and get to tell the attorneys and Mom all about the imaginary friend - crazy hallucination named FRANK that has CAL completely on the edge.

There is sooo much more that happened today - but I am way too tired now. Sleep.

Consumed by the Flames of Fostering

The following post can be enhanced by listening to Johnny Cash's RING OF FIRE. Just an idea...

I realized, as I sat down this morning to write, that we have become ALL about adoption and foster care. Even though I was a bio-mom to Alex for 14 years BEFORE we started fostering, it wasn't ALL about the parenting. Even though Alex was high maintainence(and still IS, Bless His Heart, it still wasn't all about the parenting. Trust me. We were about MANY interests, parenting being just ONE of those interests. Now we are CONSUMED.

I used to be about gardening and quilting and reading.*sigh* I still am, if you count thoughts and NOT deeds. If it is thoughts AND deeds together, well, we are back to being focused on parenting and foster-adoption.

My partner, The Other Mother, recently hosted the Heart Gallery at the large Youth & Community Center she runs in our New England State. I jacked this quote from another great blog: The Bird's Nest, check it out at http://thebirdsnest3.blogspot.com/. The Heart Gallery is “a traveling photographic and audio exhibit created to find forever families for children in foster care. The Heart Gallery of America is a collaborative project of over 120 Heart Galleries across the United States (and growing) designed to increase the number of adoptive families for children needing homes in our community.” The Heart Gallery is so important in making permanent connections for kids! Maybe that's why The Other Mother's Program seemed like a perfect place to host the gallery, as her agency fosters community connections for the children who access the program. Every day several hundred kids walk through the doors of the program. Each kid with his or her own story. So even at work, she is consumed with kids.

We are also adoption mentors that are assigned to mentor preadoptive families that are in the process of or considering adopting children through our state's foster care system. We have become Cheerleaders with an F-A on our imaginary uniforrms. Did I mention we are consumed????

We are also part of a group that meets with DFS to recruit and retain Foster Parents. The group does community education and has a traveling community art exhibit. Yup. Consumed.

This morning My Mountain Town Foster Mom's group meets for coffee at this wonderful general store/cafe/commuity hub. The five of us will sit and laugh, share and support, encourage and enlighten, and play "pass the baby" so we each get some baby holding time in. Together, for a few hours, we'll just nurture, care and witness. All those kind, raw, painfully honest and loving words help recharge our parenting batteries, and I am sure, helps us each get through our individual journies as bio/foster/adoptive Moms.

I'm pretty shy about talking about Faith, Church, God, Prayer and whatever...I'd NEVER just start talking with someone about my personal GOD experience...But not so shy when it comes to sharing the good news of my denomination of parenting: foster care and adoption from foster care.

In fact - I am all about sharing the Good News of Foster-Adoption




Geesh. I hope I don't become like Carrie's Mother.
.....just saying.

Already Gone

The Other Mother left yesterday for a week-long national Conference in a nearby New England State and I am home with 3 boys and a baby...missing her madly, of course. She returns Friday then heads off Saturday to another state for her UCC lay minster's program.


*SIGH* Clearly, I need to work on the logistics of us being in the same state BEFORE I can begin to work on Christine's challenge.*SIGH*

Just Do It - Times Two

I can hear my Mom now, God rest her soul, "If someone told you to jump off a bridge would you??? Would you???" No Mom- unless, of course, it was Christine.

Thanks Christine!

http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2010/02/2010-sex-periment-challenge.html