AK's Birthday Weekend

Calm day at the Ocean
Hang Gliders at the surfer's beach

I just love the Ocean off season...so peaceful
At our favorite Pond


The day we left there were incredible wind gusts, snow and rain - a real winter storm at the ocean.



Two weeks ago we went away to the OCEAN for AK's birthday. He turned 14. AK stands for Average Kid...When he came to us in June (his seventh time in foster care and his second time staying with us) we had not yet had an "AVERAGE KID". We had no idea what to do. We stil don't.

Since he turned 14, a new maturity has settled in his bones. He tires quickly of the childish baby-talk, squealing, animal noises and genral disregulation that happens too quickly whenever Bobby and CAL play. AK now *sighs* and looks at me with his sorrowful brown eyes, *sighs* again, shakes his head in distaste, and says "kids". I try not to laugh out loud. He may be more mature now, but, thankfully still loves to play jokes and tease. Our oldest (oldest child who currently lives at home) is also our smallest kid. AK still wears size 10-12 at 14 years old.

He saw his Mom for his birthday. She got him a box of honey bun pastries, a box of cake mix and a can of frosting, and a birthday card written on a piece of white art paper with a blue bic pen. Not even magic marker on his card. Sad. Very, very Sad. We got him 2 jeans and 2 tops, a inexpensive watch, trac-fone minutes and a bag of food treats.

His Mom had at least 2 different biopsies this past week and we are hoping for some news on her prognosis (we know she has cancer in SEVERAL organs) He is a wreck -trying to be all positive on the outside, but inside he is awfully sad.

On Thursday he called his Social Worker at DFS when he didn't hear about his regular visit with Mom. Social Worker called back and told him there wsasn't a visit this week as they were switching visits to every other week because the Social Worker is too busy to try to round up AK's 3 younger sisters from 3 different foster homes for a two hour vist (that takes AK and I an hour and a half to drive to). Crap. Very sad news. He knows his Mom has cancer and misses her terribly. He cried. No, I take it back. He bawled his eyes out. I don't blame him one damn bit.

He was talking about maybe trying to go see his step-dad who is in jail for the next five years for domestic violence. I wish his life wasn't so messed up -if this keeps up, he won't be Average Kid for long....

So, for now, we just talk, play, relax and enjoy him as much as we can for as long as we can....Average Kid or not.

Sometimes I Pretend

Sometimes I pretend I am a normal Mom who does everyday things with average kids. Like this morning. Boys had Basketball, Baby had a bottle and a nap and I cleaned our bedroom (dust bunnies the likes of which you haven't seen). Sometimes I forget I am parenting traumatized children and have a sweet little baby that will soon go back to Bio-Mom and leave an empty, aching hole in our hearts.

A to Z Challenge

Carol at http://giraffedreams.blogspot.com/joined this reading challenge, and I thought I'd give it a try. Too many books are sitting in piles around my houe. They need to be read!!!. I'm going to read 26 books alphabetically by title. (Not in that order, just trying to cover each letter and then MAYBE do 26 authors alphabetically.) If you'd like to try it - here's the skinny:
------------

January 1, 2010 to December 31, 2010.

How does this reading challenge work? Choose the option that works best for you...

Authors -- Read alphabetically by author. Commit to 26 books.
Titles -- Read alphabetically by title. Commit to 26 books.
Authors & Titles -- Commit to reading 52 books

How strict is the 26 or 52? I know it isn't always easy to find those difficult letters. The thought of finding the X's (for example) might scare folks away. It shouldn't! I'm a merciful host! (Ask anyone!)

If you want to give the X's a go... For authors, try to find an X in the first name, middle name, or last name. For titles, it doesn't have to be the starting word. Try to find an X somewhere in a title, and it'd count in my book.

Still can't find a book for the letter you need? I'll take your word for it. I've been there. I know. If your library doesn't see the need to order books just because it starts with an X, then I don't blame you for not wanting to special order a book that you may or may not enjoy. You gave it your best, don't feel bad. You can still make this challenge work for you.

Go to http://2010atozchallenge.blogspot.com to sign up.

A Great Transition Meeting

Fabulous meeting today with Baby Dee andBio-Mom's Team to work out the details in her transition plan. There were nine of us there. Mom's 3 bedroom house will be available on March 1. Mom and big brother will move, and settle in. Lisa, Her DFS social worker from here will go to the house that Friday, check it out and give the A-OK. Lisa will remain her primary worker for 30 days until the case transfers to the other side of the state. That same Friday The Other Mother, boys and I will drive the baby to the other side of the state and bring her to Mom. We'll get to see the house, breathe a sigh of relief and then bawl our eyes out when we say goodbye. We'll stay in a nearby town with the boys and have a mini-vacation weekend. This way, we'll be close enough for Mom if she needs us to help out with anything. DFS has suggested I go with Mom to her initial appointments with the baby's new physicians as Mom would have difficulty reporting/presenting the info. They are supporting our ongoing connection and encouraging our active role in helping Mom. They have left it pretty loose how we manage the thrice weekly visits for the next month. Yeah DFS!!!!

In mid February we'll have Mom to our house to show her where the baby stayed, her room, our family, etc. I think it will help to have a picture of who we are/where we live. It will also give me a chance to "show" Mom how to mix her formula and 2 supplements, go over some PT stuff and show off the baby's skills, etc. I think it will surprise the heck out of her to realize we live a mile away from the rehab program where she lives. Our kids ride the bus togther and we've done a great job of maintaining privacy for everyone up until about 3 weeks ago when Bobby saw Bio-Mom at the bus stop and recognized her from the photo I took of her and the baby that is on the baby's bureau. He agreed to keep it quiet and understood the whole confidentiality thing.

Today at her 6 month check up, the baby had 4 shots (vaccines/flu etc). Ouch. Mom and I began to talk about where she'd like to have the baby's baptism as last week she had asked me to be god-mother. Still not sure if it will be here - or the other side of the state...

Yawn. I am so done with this day. Really.

So The Therapist Says

So today The Other Mother and I sat in on Cal's therapy when he told his therapist that...Well, what I WISH he told his therapist is that he sees an IMAGINARY person named Frank that lives in his closet and talks to him. Sadly, Cal beleieves this "Frank" is a REAL person. Cal's odd behaviors since his arrival in September support his recent disclosure. See yesterday's post for more specifics.

Anyhow, I'm pretty fried from today. The Cliff Notes version of our therapy session is that Cal's therapist explained that Frank could just be a very complex friend that may or may not stick around (he did NOT use the word imaginary)or Frank could be a short circuit in his brain that makes him see or hear something that isn't there - and then there are medicines that can help fix the short circuit. That it is important for them to talk more about it to figure it out together...Cal's therapist's plan is to check in often and talk about "Frank", and for Cal to let one of us know when "Frank" is scaring him or asking him to do things he doesn't like.

We had a few minutes wrap up while Cal sat in the waiting room. Basically a wait and see sort of thing. Doesn't think Cal is in need of meds at this point based on what he is seeing today. Cal is not having olfactory aspects, for example. "Frank" does have not have god-like powers. Cal seems to have some control over "Frank". Blah Blah Blah. He wanted to think about the "secondary" or useful benefits of seeing "Frank".

We get that when your Mom neglects you and others abuse you, it can be pretty freaking useful to have an imaginary friend, like Jiminy Cricket, to keep you company and watch over you......HOWEVER, Cal isn't seeing a happy little cricket in a top hat singing words of encouragement. We are talking about seeing a tall scary guy wearing a floppy fishing hat that can make snakes come out of his eyes).

We get that imagination can be useful when dealing with difficult situations. HOWEVER this is NOT feeling useful to Cal. In fact, it seems to be scaring the crap out of him. Tonight he said he's worried Cal will do something to him in his sleep because he told everyone all about Frank. Lovely.

I think Cal was relieved to have talked about it in therapy, BUT on the ride home expressed he didn't think his therapist really understood about Frank. After therapy he had a lunch visit with his Grandma and Bio Mom. At lunch he told them about Frank. He said his Mom just laughed but his Grandma was real quiet. Real quiet.

Grandma knows. We know. Cal knows. Frank knows.

We are all just waiting, patiently, for the therapist to know.

Two Versions Of The Weekend - You Can't Make This Stuff Up

PUBLIC VERSION:
This weekend we headed to Vermont where The Other Mother was able to attend her lay ministry class all day Saturday while I took the boys down the lake to watch the annual Snowmobile races. After lunch they spent the afternoon ice skating at the public rink in the park. We had to go round them up when they didn't come home on time for dinner...they all had sore ankles, but otherwise had a blast. Saturday afternoon the baby had the flu bug and Saturday night was my turn. Lovely. Sadly, no Church on Sunday so we wouldn't spread the plague and contagion. More skating for the boys and a quiet, nauseous and headachy ride home to our humble New England State.



PRIVATE VERSION:
But let's backtrack to Friday monring, no school (teacher training day. The boys and baby and I plan to head to VT early and The Other Mother will drive up after work. I'm upstairs packing for Vermont with Cal, age 12. In his room, sorting clean piles of laundry into his bureau, closet and bag for VT. I go to shut the AlWAYS open, double wide, folding closet doors. Cal looks at me anxiously. I don't shut the closet all the way. He still looks worried. What? He stares at the closet and then the rug, pauses, and says, "You know there's a guy named Frank who lives in my closet."

WHOA.

"Huh. Really. What does he look like?" He calmly answered all my questions about Frank and explained some things I had seen or heard and couldn't put my finger on. Like sometimes after school he runs up to his room and can be heard talking/mumbling loud enough to hear, but too quiet to understand. I had just thought he was singing or something - turns out he is talking to Frank.

OMG.

When Cal pushes his fingers and hands on his eyes, it is because even when he closes his eyes, Frank is still there.

GREAT.

He asked if I do hear him talking to Frank not to just barge in because he didn't know what Frank would do if I came just came in. I calmly assured him I would knock first.

HOLY CRAP.

So, tomorrow we are going to therapy, at Cal's request, to help him tell his therapist that he is seeing things, not very nice things. Specifically, for a long time there has been a tall young man who lives in his closet and talks to him, plays tricks on him (moves his possessions around so he can't find them), sometimes is mean (pushes him out of bed at night) can get realy mad (has threatened to kill Cal), wears a fishing cap and everyday clothes, has several masks (some clown like, some scary) can make snakes come out of his eyes, can make more of himself so there are several Franks in the room, doesn't go away ("he is still there behind my eyes even after I close them") sometimes pokes him and touches him. Cal says he knows Frank isn't there when he looks, but he still feels it and sometimes it is weird.

ONLY SOMETIMES?

I asked him if he had told his Mom or anyone else about Frank. No. Has Fank always been around? No. He said he remembers telling his Mom when he was younger about feeling like there were ants crawling in his brain and there were lobsters in his brain eating the ants and it was all very noisy. His Mom knew about that, but NOT Frank.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

In my calmest most everyday voice said I wanted to give him my best advice, but didn't have a lot of experience with stuff like this and suggested we tell and talk to someone who might know more about these things. He thought we should tell AK "because he sees ghosts, he'd understand." AK sees ghosts??? WTF????? He's called AK for AVERAGE KID - as in no freaking major problems...just an ordinary kid.

UMMM I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOUR THERAPIST - HE'S A SMART GUY.

Cal's therapist is clinically strong and I trust him. It helps he has "Doctor" in front of his name, but is relaxed and goes by his first name. Cal respects him and is comfortable talking there. He helped Cal figure out that he can't help that he has tics (Cal's very recent Tourettes diagnosis).

So now Cal is talking freely about Frank and Bobby hears this and starts asking questions and Cal is telling and then while we are driving to pick up AK Bobby is acting like he sees Frank too. When Cal's in the restroom at the rest stop, I pull Bobby aside and asked him about it. Bobby said "I don't really see Frank but I didn't want to make Cal feel bad - I didn't know what to say -but now it is creeping me out."

YEAH. ME TOO.

So on our way to Vermont, car fully packed, Bobby, Cal and I head to Divison of Family Services to pick up AK (who is having a 3 hour supervised visit). The Other Mother will follow later, after work, and bring the two dogs. At DFS, I tell the boys I need to check in with the baby's social worker and leave the 3 boys in the teen room with video games. I go back and share Cal's disclosure with 2 social worker supervisors and tell them my plan if things don't go so well over the weekend.

FINE

Twenty minutes later, Back in the car heading to VT. AK is mad and clearly fuming. What happened??? Bobby, my little parentified gossip queen tells me all: AK is mad at Cal because he thinks Cal is making FUN of him because AK sees ghosts and Cal is only making up Frank to tease him. I wish someone else could have witnessed AK's eyes bug out when I said, "Ummmm, no. Really. No. He is not teasing you, He really thinks he sees Frank. Really".


YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS CRAP UP!

Hopeful, Honored and Humbled

Yesterday, when I dropped the baby off for her visit at the rehab program where Mom currently lives, Baby Dee's Bio-Mom asked me to be her God-Mother. Wow. I was so touched, I couldn't say anything. Tears welled up. Mom said "aww...don't cry". Hearing the word "cry" was my cue. I blubbered. I sniffled, I blubbered and nodded yes. I hugged her and thanked for letting us take care of her baby. I blubbered a little bit more, pulled myself together and told her she was an amazing woman and that we believed in her and that she could do this (parent this little baby with special needs). We both blubberd a little. Damn P.M.S. Program staff tried to look busy and pretend they weren't watching. I'm kind of glad they were. I's always nice to have a witness to a miracle.

Last Friday was Court for the baby: Reunification. Work on housing and getting all her Doctors lined up. Yada-Yada. Baby Dee's Bio-Mom has her public housing all lined up on the other side of the state for March 1st: a single story 3 bedroom house with a great yard on a cul-de-sac- even comes with washer and dryer...WOW! Baby will (unlikely)go when Mom moves March 1 or will (MOST LIKELY) move a few weeks after. Mom needs a little time to set up house and register an older sibling in school. The next few weeks are for setting up referrals and new doctors for the 17 or so professionals thIS little baby sees. We've all been hard at work with appointments and the socail workers are setting up transitional planning meetings for all providers (us included- can you imagine????).

Today, I feel hopeful, honored and humbled all at once.

I am hopeful for the baby's future (whatever and wherever that may look like) and that Mom's network, her village of support, will help her through the challenges she will face parenting and maintaining her sobriety. I am hopeful that the Division of Family Services in our noble New England State will continue to recognize that foster families can be ongoing supports for bio-families (when appropriate) and that when this happens - everyone benefits.

I am honored to be included in that village by being asked to be Godmother. My heart is touched by the sweetness of Mom's gesture. Pure Grace.

I am am humbled by the unexpected teachers that come into our lives, and the solid, clear messages they bring. My heart is full.

Thank you Baby Dee. Thank you Bio-Mom. Thank you God.

This Is How We Do It

I am still thinking about my response to a post at another Mom's blog tonight. How do we do what we do? How do we parent difficult children? How do we parent so many children and maintain our sanity? Is is possible?

How do WE do it? The quick version if you are tired and stressed is SIMPLIFY, PRAY, BLOG, and JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.

Christine at welcometomybrain.net responded to the same post with the call to freedom: SIMPLIFY - can I have an AMEN sister???? UmmHmmm. We try to make our lives more streamlined and simpler not always by choice; but we do it. I no longer worry that my house isn't clean enough, tidy enough. I can't. Not with the number of appointments I have each week for the kids. I have a new relationship with dust bunnies in my house. I've taken a break from talking on the phone and no longer spend afternoons at the library browsing. Sadly, my sewing machines and embarassing stash of quilting fabric gathers dust. Novels sit stacked on my nightstand - but are not read. Instead, in the bathroom are well worn back issues of FOSTER PARENTING TODAY and QUILTER"S NEWSLETER. The living room coffee table hosts RAISING CHILDREN WHO REFUSE TO BE RAISED, PARENTING OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN (about RAD) and UNWELCOME COMPAINION (about Tourettes.) When folks who don't know us so well stop by, I have been known to toss an LL BEAN catalog over the stack for privacy. Reading, quilting, browsing through bookstacks...Not so much anymore. I use that "found" time to keep my family and sanity intact.

Spiritually I bathe my soul in prayer each night. Quietly, silently, alone. After the Other Mother is Asleep (Have I ever mentioned that she is SLEEP GIFTED??? As in she can fall asleep in moments, wherever, whenever and does NOT need an alarm to wake? She sets her "internal" alarm clock. She is a FREAK but I love her anyway.)

So, as I was saying. I pray. We pray. We go to Church and pray some more. We hold hands and say grace at the dinner table each night. It rotates around the table - each night a different person leads us in a blessing. I close my eyes , breathe deep and am embraced by my partner's and children's spiritual hope.

We blog. I should say I blog. The Other Mother checks my/our blog daily. I told her she should be a follower. I still can't believe 26 people are interested in what I have to say. Some days, I can't believe that I have something to say I am so freaking tired and emotionally spent from my kids and their needs. But like payer, it heals my soul to connect in thsi way.

I search out other excellent Mom's, read their blogs and try to learn from them. There are some amazing Moms out there. The woman whose post I commented on is one of them. There are many Mom's out there that don't yet know they are AMAZING. But they are. Truly AMAZING.

Support groups always sounded so peace-love-happiness-hippy-touchy feely- earthy crunchy....I was a bit put off by the idea of hanging out with strangers to "share" our experiences. I couldn't have been more wrong. (Those of you who know me in real life will want to mark it on the calendar that I publicly admitted I was WRONG.) As the parent of children challenged by trauma, I am often wrong. My encouraging words are seen as criticism, my questions become challeneges, my need for affection and closeness puts up the walls of defense. I am so often WRONG - but I so want to get it RIGHT for them. But how? They deserve no less.

So, go find a good support group. Better yet, find a LOUSY support group and MAKE IT BETTER. I cannot say enough about the two incredible adoption and foster support groups we attend. One meets monthly in the community room at the local library 6:30-8:30. We share snacks and share stories of our crazy lives. Every other month we have a decent guest speaker and get some traiing hours in. It is soooo therapeutic (and it is DATE NIGHT for us - sad but true). Our adoption group meets 7pm - 10 pm at a nice hotel's restaurant. We have dinner and cokes (and once in a while, cocktails) and catch up on each other's lives. If there aren't groups in your area - start one...Really. You can do this parenting thing ALONE - but it is really better shared with other families who really GET IT.

So how do YOU do it??? What is your secret to successful parenting? Maintaining you sanity???? We want to know.

I'm Frugal not Cheap

ESSIE says: Get Your Cheap On.

For the details visit http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/

God, I wish I knew how to do a proper link. Any how....

Too True Tues(day) is your time to tell it like it is! Let the truth be known. Sing it loud, sing it proud. It is your chance to confess, let out your embarrassing secrets, and share with the world. Let it all out and let the truth set you free. This week, tell us how cheaptastic you can be. Now, everyone buys store brand toilet paper and aspirin when funds get tight. That doesn't count, I am afraid you are going to have to dig deeper. Buying generic cereal and putting it in an empty box of Cocoa Puffs for the kids type of deeper.

Ok - here goes.

We have a vacation home in Northern Vermont and are able to swing the mortgage, taxes, heat etc etc not because we are rich - but because I am stinkin' FRUGAL.

Some things I don't mind spending good money on (for example, Quilting magazine subscriptions are a luxury I am NOT giving up. But for the most part I do cheap (I mean FRUGAL) whenever I can.

Some ways we free up money each month:

Eliminated fancy cable - we only have basic cable now (our bill was over $75 and is now $6) SAVED $69

We don't rent movies anymore. (3 movies a weekend for 4 weeks a month = SAVED $48

We don't go out to dinner once a week like we used to ($40 dinner 4 times a month = $160 SAVED

We don't need to pay for a babysitter once a week since we aren't dining out (SAVED $25 a week or $100 a month. The Division of Family Services pays for sitters for DFS approved events/appointments. Date night is now going to 2 foster/adoption meetings a month where we have an absolute BLAST with the most amazing women.

I get 2 or 3 haircuts a year and do the in between cuts and trims myself. (SAVED $15 month averaged out)

I do my brows and coloring. Never at the salon. (SAVED about $40 a month averaged out)

I save all year to prepay our oil at both houses- SAVE $20 month

I prepay $200 extra in principal on my mortgage of $80,000 each month saving us 15 YEARS on the 30 year loan. 15 years NOT paying $475.00 a month is SWEEEET!!!!!!!! Not sure how to officially count this - but lets say I am SAVING about $100 per month

I've increased the deductibles/adjusted coverage on our insurances (homes/cars) SAVED $20 each month

ALL THIS JUST ABOUT ADDS UP TO THE MORTGAGE. Then I do the usual bargain hunt, buy SUAVE type shampoos only when they go on sale, etc, etc, and generic brand food ONLY when it tastes just as good...some generics are plain old GROSS.

I wardrobe replenish and Christmas/birthday shop when I have a 30% off coupon at KOHLS (I hit the clearance dept and I save HUNDREDS of dollars and love to show the Other Mother the receipts and how much I have "SAVED")

I Christmas shop year round and have a several storage bins with my nice bargains set aside. This year for Christmas, Bobby's three teenaged sisters got really nice leather scrapbooks (on clearnce for $3 at TJ MAXX in May and Scrapbook paper/scrapbook accesories from Marshalls in August... all in all we spent about $10 per girl. They are set with gifts from Bobby for next year too - I found really cool designer photo albums on clearance at KOHLS for $6 and will buy them disposable cameras to go with.

I water down the kids Hawaiian Punch mostly to cut the calories and sugar - but it does stretch the juice a little.

I add water to the last of the laundry soap to get every last bubble out of the container.

I cut the tubes of my hand lotion to use the last of it.

Instead of using two of those fancy frozen pasta/chicken/sauce meals in a bag, I just cook one and add a package of frozen veggies to stretch the meal, and cut extra calories. I buy them only on sale and stock up.

If you have read this far, I know I can reveal my most recent DEEPEST DARKEST BARGAIN HUNTING SECRET....

I have enough sanitary pads to last until menopause......

I shop FOR MAD CRAZY bargains ALL THE TIME and am prepared to buy it when I see it. Last week Rite Aid drug store was consolidating their sanitary napkin aisle or something - because Stayfree 22 count with wings was 75% off (97 cents folks) but the 18 count and 28 count were not even on sale. Same thing for Kotex Overnights - also 75% off - $1.75. I bought four of each style for a total of 8 packages (spent $11 and would have spent over $45...SAVED $34 and I now have enough pads to last me until menopause...)

That's all I can think of right now.....

Conflicted Feelings and Breached Boundaries

I've been struggling with what, I am sure, every foster parent goes through at some point. Instead of focusing solely on the child and "thinking like a foster parent", I am beginning to think about the Bio-parents and big-picture stuff.

I don't know if that means I am "thinking like a social worker", but I do know that I don't like feeling diluted in my loyalties. Yes, diluted. Not deluded. Diluted. Watered down and weakened. Losing clear focus of my role, to care only for the child.

I now have compassion and can think about Bio-Mom and her feelings/needs/rights. I can see her imperfect-humanity and genuinely like her, mourn her cognitive disbilites, grieve her limitations. ARGH.

My boundaries have been breached.

I know it is because I spend HOURS with her each week at appointments several days a week. I also now bring the baby to her on Wednesdays for drop off and pick up for one of the three weekly visits. ARRRGGGHHHH.

This Friday is court where BIG DECISIONS will be made...lives already changed will be changed AGAIN. ARGHHHHH.

So Stinkin Proud

We are so stikin' proud of Corey at http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/.

She finished a Marathon this morning at Walt Disney World in 5 hours 57 minutes, 14 seconds with a pace of 13.37 minutes per mile.

Yeahhhhhhh Corey!!!!!!!

Where Do Babies Come From?

Quite some time ago, Essie the Accidental Mommy posted about dealing with the age-old "Birds and the Bees" questions with her little ones. All the kids in our house know where babies come from:

The Social Worker.

Hmmmmm. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

Crystal Balls

I haven't written much about Baby Dee's Genetics appointment she had in early December where she was dignosed with CdLS. She has another Genetics appointment next week so Bio-Mom and Social Worker can go and begin to wrap their minds around what The Other Mother and I have known since the baby came in October. A dear friend had pointed out that baby Dee looked JUST like her daughter with CdLs. Indeed true.

Now we have a diagnosis to explain her many medical complications. Cornelia de Lange Syndrome (CdLS). The Best News is we have a framework for a plan of care and a set of protocols based on her diagnosis. I am grateful that if or when she moves to the other side of the state to be near her Bio-Mom, Baby Dee will now have an appropriate plan of care and her growth and gains will be measured in the context of Cornelia De Lange Syndrome (CdLS), rather than measured against the general population. For example.

At five months and one week she weighed 9 pounds, 3 ounces. She's so tiny, her weight can't be plotted on the graph on the percentile charts for babies her age. How freakin' sad is that to say "She is at the ZERO percentile". But for CdLS kids - she is right smack dab in the middle range to upper range and is doing pretty darn well, thank you very much!!!

Anyhow, the piece I am still processing is how I feel now that I have met her Bio Mother and see her regularly at medical appointments. In early December she first came to a Gastroenterology appointment with the program director of the Drug-Alcohol rehab program where she lives. She is a very sweet woman who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES her baby. One of the many sad parts about this situation is that Mom has mental retardation and learning disabilities which clearly impact her ability to process complex information and care for a medically challenged infant. A healthy infant she might manage, with supports, aides, a network etc. Since the summer, she is doing OK parenting her son, aged 7 or 8, who was in previoulsy in foster care for a year. But a school aged boy is different from a medically complex baby.

I am grateful that Mom has elected to stay here in our part of the state for a few months so the baby could stabilize (medically). The Good News is Mom said this , BEFORE the baby's appointment with Genetics, and well before learning of the diagnosis. That gives me hope that she either made the right decision or was successfully coached to make the right decision to stay at the rehab program (even though she "graduated" and could move on) just to be near her baby. Either way, she made the right decision: Good Work Bio Mom!

I just don't know what will happen - what will be "BEST" and what everyone's lives will look like next month. Sometimes I HATE not knowing the future. Don't you????

Court Investigator Visits

A court Investigator called Wednesday afternoon and visited our home Wednesday night to meet Baby Dee and the Mamas. She has a report due Friday and there is a court hearing next Friday. Things could move QUICKLY after next Friday. I have been rather introspective (and not blogging about my BIG FEELINGS) about the whole Baby Dee thing as I come to terms with my changing feelings about her reunification plan. I am actually hoping the baby is reunified with her Bio Mom rather than going to a new foster home on the other side of the state. Her Mom loves her and will have much support and over-sight on the other side of the state. I just hate the idea of her getting bounced from foster home to foster home....ARGHHH. I have seen Attachment Disorder - and it ain't pretty. I hope that Baby Dee's early medical experiences coupled with Failure to Thrive and being sent into Foster Care don't mix a magical potion of Attchment Disorder.

When I told the investiagtor that the baby was placed in our home with a diagnosis of Failure To Thrive (FTT)she commented that now that we have the diagnosis of Cornelia de lange Syndrome (CdLS) we know it wasn't Failure To Thrive. I tried to explain that one does not exclude the other - that the baby could have Failure to Thrive AND CdLS. Even though Mom burped and loved and fed and changed her baby and cared for her to the best of her abilities at some very primal level the baby's needs were not being met (pain from reflux? Being able to breathe without great effort?) and the baby SHUT DOWN, disconnected from her two overwhelming environments (a loud, bustling drug rehab shelter and several neo-natal intensive care hospitalizations) and turned inward: Failure To Thrive. The diagnosis of FTT should not be seen as an indictment against Bio-Mom's parenting skills, but merely an accurate description of what happens to a medically fragile, premature infant when they are in chronic pain and constantly over-stimulated. It ain't pretty.

I praised Mom's involvement at doctor's appointments and related several anecdotes on how Mom demonstrated "doing the right thing" for the baby - puting the baby's needs first, and following subtle instructions on caring for the baby. we also reiterated that Bio-Mom's cognitive challenges would make it VERY DIFFICULT for Mom to understand and convey the complex medical information she'd be dealing with. We suggested she could carry Medical Alert Cards for protocols for the baby's care and have a letter for physicians/clinicans outlining some CdLS protocols.

We offered to be an ongoing resource, transport the baby across the state for transitional visits to Mom's new apt. before reunifying, provide respite if needed, remain a supportive presence in both Mom's and the baby's life - and to be open to having the baby return to us if Mom relapses from her recovery. We also said we'd keep her forever if we could. How could we not?????

So we reported honestly and hope and pray for the best - what ever the judge decides BEST will look like.

A Miracle and a Healing Balm

The visiting nurse called at 8:00 am, with apologies, to cancel this morning's 8:30 am appointment. Apparently, she woke up to pink eye. I calmly and sincerely told her "Sure. No problem. Feel better soon."

Inside, of course, I am jumping up and down yelling "Yippee!!!!!!! Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus and Conjunctivitis!!!!I have NO appointments today!!What a freaking MIRACLE!!!!! No appointments!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWWWOOOOOOT WOOOT!!!

Here I am, finally, with a free day to tackle some of the many neglected projects looming over my head. Including some dust bunnies I can saddle for heaven's sake!Instead, I choose to spend some time with K, M and A. They are three fabulous women from our foster and adoptive support groups. Sadly, M was not able to join us - her two little ones were both sick and heading home from the pediatrician's office when I called. So K, A, and I met at 11:15 for a brunch/lunch at a beautiful old country store/organic restaurant/central hub of the community/local rural landmark.

Bliss. Catching up with their news- both sad and happy. Adult conversation. Conection with Moms who KNOW all that we deal with: RAD, PTSD, CdLS, ODD. Eneurisis, crazy foster care bureacracy, etc. etc.

I truly appreciate the chance to spend time with both Ann and Kay. Missed Mary. These women are a healing balm.

Kay's daughter Jane, also has CdLS like Baby Dee. Jane was adopted from foster care as an infant, is now in third grade and is so stinking cute. Kay and her husband Bill have fostered over a hundred and fifty childen and adopted four. After brunch I went back to Kay and Bill's house so Bill could OHHH and AHHH over the baby. The baby loved Bill. Bill loved the baby. I Love them and want to be like them when I grow up. If I ever grow up, that is.

Some Random Potty Talk

This month's Rotarian arrived on Saturday. If you aren't familiar, it is a magazine for Rotary members- yes, The Other Mother is a member of Rotary. Don't judge. She's also the past president of the Kiwanis. Don't judge or laugh. Really. I said don't laugh. I see you smirking.

Anyhow, the feature article was all about the lack of appropriate sanitary toilet facilites for the disposal of human waste, and the resulting contaminated drinking water in many developing countries which leads to disease and death and what Rotary is doing about it.

The article focused on the reasonable goal of bringing folks one step at a time up the ladder of sanitation. "After open defecation, the next rung is unimproved sanitation facilities, such as uncovered pit latrines and bucket latrines, which don’t provide a barrier between people and their waste products. Then come facilities that are shared by more than one household, such as public toilets. At the top of the ladder, improved sanitation facilities ensure that waste is fully separated from human contact and eventually handled in a hygienic fashion. These include pit latrines with a slab, ventilated improved pit latrines, eco squat toilets, composting toilets, and flush toilets that are connected to a septic tank or sewer system.

Interesting article.

Who knew there was so much going on with toilets??? It was fascinating. Read it here http://www.rotary.org/en/MediaAndNews/TheRotarian/Pages/toilets1001.aspx



Then today on CNN.com there was another great article about two women Sasha Kramer, 33, and Sarah Brownell, 34, founders of Sustainable Organic Integrated Livelihood (SOIL) are working in Haiti to improve sanitation with composting toilets. Disease is rampant, and it's still common for children to die from fecal contamination in the water. UNICEF estimates that 70 percent of Haitians do not have access to "safe drinking water and adequate sanitation." Wow. That is just wrong. The article quotes Karmer: "the most prevalent human rights abuse is really poverty and the fact that people didn't have access to their basic needs." Amen sister. To highlight the importance of their eforts, they even passed along a little of their finished compost to former President Clinton when he was recently visiting Haiti. (Check thier work at http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/01/04/haiti.SOIL.toilets/index.html

Anyhow - the point of this random post? I don't know. I think I am just feeling a little guilty in my 4 bedroom, 2 and a half bath home with my choice of bathrooms to use when so many in the world don't have even one proper flush toilet in their whole village.

Once again, dear God, I am thankful for all the blessings and conveniences that we have, especially flush toilets and hot running water. Amen

My Avatar Only Has One Chin

Found one of those silly "cartoon yourself" gadgets on some website today and made myself an avatar. Best I could do. Poor thing only has one chin.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!! We are back from a whole week in Vermont - we even had Christmas there. Although I haven't blogged in a looonnngggg time, rest assured that I have not fallen off the face of the earth - just have hunkered down with my crazy lovable patchwork family (four boys and a baby and my beautiful, wonderful wife)to enjoy the school vacation week in Vermont - visiting with wonderful friends, enjoying the warmth of the woodstove and the silence of the falling snow, renewing my spiritual batteries at church, helping our oldest son really make a plan for enlisting in the military... Enjoying watching the baby discover FOOD: first veggies and fruits happened this week and she is a CHOW HOUND!But, mostly I have been basking in the glow of having NO APPOINTMENTS: no Psychiatrists, no Therapists, no Basketball practice, no Dentists, no Doctors, no Social Workers, no family visits, no NOTHING...Glorious nothing....Bliss.

Yeah - I know...all that will end, come Monday, when the crazy schedule begins again - but, in the meantime, let me enjoy it while I can....