I am still thinking about my response to a post at another Mom's blog tonight. How do we do what we do? How do we parent difficult children? How do we parent so many children and maintain our sanity? Is is possible?
How do WE do it? The quick version if you are tired and stressed is SIMPLIFY, PRAY, BLOG, and JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.
Christine at welcometomybrain.net responded to the same post with the call to freedom: SIMPLIFY - can I have an AMEN sister???? UmmHmmm. We try to make our lives more streamlined and simpler not always by choice; but we do it. I no longer worry that my house isn't clean enough, tidy enough. I can't. Not with the number of appointments I have each week for the kids. I have a new relationship with dust bunnies in my house. I've taken a break from talking on the phone and no longer spend afternoons at the library browsing. Sadly, my sewing machines and embarassing stash of quilting fabric gathers dust. Novels sit stacked on my nightstand - but are not read. Instead, in the bathroom are well worn back issues of FOSTER PARENTING TODAY and QUILTER"S NEWSLETER. The living room coffee table hosts RAISING CHILDREN WHO REFUSE TO BE RAISED, PARENTING OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN (about RAD) and UNWELCOME COMPAINION (about Tourettes.) When folks who don't know us so well stop by, I have been known to toss an LL BEAN catalog over the stack for privacy. Reading, quilting, browsing through bookstacks...Not so much anymore. I use that "found" time to keep my family and sanity intact.
Spiritually I bathe my soul in prayer each night. Quietly, silently, alone. After the Other Mother is Asleep (Have I ever mentioned that she is SLEEP GIFTED??? As in she can fall asleep in moments, wherever, whenever and does NOT need an alarm to wake? She sets her "internal" alarm clock. She is a FREAK but I love her anyway.)
So, as I was saying. I pray. We pray. We go to Church and pray some more. We hold hands and say grace at the dinner table each night. It rotates around the table - each night a different person leads us in a blessing. I close my eyes , breathe deep and am embraced by my partner's and children's spiritual hope.
We blog. I should say I blog. The Other Mother checks my/our blog daily. I told her she should be a follower. I still can't believe 26 people are interested in what I have to say. Some days, I can't believe that I have something to say I am so freaking tired and emotionally spent from my kids and their needs. But like payer, it heals my soul to connect in thsi way.
I search out other excellent Mom's, read their blogs and try to learn from them. There are some amazing Moms out there. The woman whose post I commented on is one of them. There are many Mom's out there that don't yet know they are AMAZING. But they are. Truly AMAZING.
Support groups always sounded so peace-love-happiness-hippy-touchy feely- earthy crunchy....I was a bit put off by the idea of hanging out with strangers to "share" our experiences. I couldn't have been more wrong. (Those of you who know me in real life will want to mark it on the calendar that I publicly admitted I was WRONG.) As the parent of children challenged by trauma, I am often wrong. My encouraging words are seen as criticism, my questions become challeneges, my need for affection and closeness puts up the walls of defense. I am so often WRONG - but I so want to get it RIGHT for them. But how? They deserve no less.
So, go find a good support group. Better yet, find a LOUSY support group and MAKE IT BETTER. I cannot say enough about the two incredible adoption and foster support groups we attend. One meets monthly in the community room at the local library 6:30-8:30. We share snacks and share stories of our crazy lives. Every other month we have a decent guest speaker and get some traiing hours in. It is soooo therapeutic (and it is DATE NIGHT for us - sad but true). Our adoption group meets 7pm - 10 pm at a nice hotel's restaurant. We have dinner and cokes (and once in a while, cocktails) and catch up on each other's lives. If there aren't groups in your area - start one...Really. You can do this parenting thing ALONE - but it is really better shared with other families who really GET IT.
So how do YOU do it??? What is your secret to successful parenting? Maintaining you sanity???? We want to know.
thank you! ~ Jennie at Peace in Puzzles
ReplyDeleteand I'm starting a RAD support group already. Was the leader of a now defunct support group for SpEd families - too much to do to fit in one more support group, that's why that one collapsed. That's the issue with SpEd moms, we're so gosh darned busy, we don't have time or energy to get to one more group meeting on a week night. the other issue is dealing with the kids at the meeting or finding appropriate child care for them.
and i have chucked the books and the quilting but my therapist is telling me that's the WRONG thing to do, that I must carve out time for me to do the things I enjoy, that are energy giving, that restore some sense of ME to my life. I have a habit of giving 150%, 150% of the time so my cup runs empty quickly.
I cannot begin to say how uplifted I feel from reading others' blogs and their comments on mine. To sit and have tears flowing down my face while reading the support, works better than Bud Light!
ReplyDeleteWe get it. We know what it's like to have people look at us like we are completely crazy when we try to educate others about our childrens needs and behaviors to be aware of. Most of us know what it's like to be falsely accused. To be able to virtually visit with others who know what RTC, RAD,PTSD,IEP, ARD, OCD, and all the Ds, etc. without having to spell it out....As helpful as that is, to speak to someone on the phone and be in the midst of sharing a radling's actions, when he or she can finish the sentence, wow! Next step for those of us in the central Texas area is starting a support group for gnashing, wailing, hugging and, as long as I'm there, snarky sarcasm because dadgum, I'm tired of crying and laughing is my other option.
Yes, simplify. I say no to things (or at least I was, this month the calendar is looking a little ridiculous). Really, though, when every single non-work day is filled with obligations, I just start resenting everything, so saying no is good.
ReplyDeleteWhen mired in the details, reminding myself that I decided to have children so that I could enjoy them. That gets me to stop stressing and sit down and just enjoy being together.
These great CDs of spiritual chants and songs my friend gave me- pretty hard to go bananas if I'm singing "Walk the Beauty Way".
I try to hear my internal Mother Manager- the mother I want to be. She can get my internal Hothead to settle down, increases my patience, and doles out parenting adages as needed. Sorry if that sounds like multiple personality disorder, but it helps to keep a running dialogue with myself!
Have fun on Date Night!
Sorry to be late to this post. I do love it.
ReplyDeleteSome of my coping strategies are: reading blogs; breathing (I do strong sitting/practicing patience with our boys each day, and I just breathe deeply for the whole 10 minutes--it's fantastic); I have a super-good girlfriend who is not a parent but she loves our boys and is sooooo great about listening to me vent and not judging and not trying to advise me (it's amazing what someone who "just" listens can do for me!); I try hard not to take any of our son's "stuff" personally; I also try hard to keep things in perspective; I try hard to notice improvements and give our family credit for them; practice gratitude; have my own interests (I put them aside for a few years and have spent the past year re-introducing them to my life and it has made a world of difference in my patience level and my ability to weather all the RAD stuff). That's all I can think of right now. A lot of it is a lot easier said than done, and I am still imperfect at using these strategies. But practice makes perfect, right?!