Empty Nest

Michael (14) and Adam (15) arrived for a week of respite and join Cal (12) and Bucksquat (10). A full house. Well, a fuller house by my standards. I am practically an empty nester to some of you with children in the double digits !!! Our oldest boy/man, Buckshot (19) is away at college in Vermont. The girls, (both 21) have been on their own for two years now.

The girls. Our older girls. Women, really.

I don't blog much about them for several reasons. Blogging for me is pretty much about what is in my face. Catharsis. Processing STUFF. The here and now. They are neither here nor now. They are adult women. They no longer live in our home. They both have big, CRAZY, (Did I say CRAZY???) biological families that they are reconnected with in varying states of dysfunction (Was that my out-loud voice????) Although we would not choose the paths they are on, we are at peace with who they are and where they are going. And sadly resigned to where they are not going (That was my out-loud voice. Wasn't it? Damn.)

Our oldest daughter called the other day. Diane is soon to be 22. She rolls in and out of our lives - seems to reach out and connect with us at life intersections: switching college, birthday, changing apartments, losing a job....She is the only one of our children that calls us Mom. Strange.

Admitedly she calls us Ma, Mummy, MaMa, Mom, Mumma, and Moms all in the same sentence. It feels like she is practicing, trying on all the different variations of MOTHER with us. The interesting thing is she calls her Bio-Mom by her first name. As in "I'm going to Florida for Thanksgiving to see Sandy. Sandy called last week and said...." Hmmmmmmm. Sandy is Sandy - but we are Moms. Diane's telephone messages are ALWAYS "Hey MOMS it's me, Diane". This always cracks me up - because no one else calls us Mom. Like who else would it be on the phone besides her???

Diane came to us at 17. She had given birth at 15 while in foster care and had lovingly placed her baby boy, Andrew, in an adoptive home in New England. She selected the adopting parents, Tom and Linda, based on their scrapbook, through an agency and was able to maintain email and letter contact with the family. She could have once yearly visits ending when the child turned 4. Years 1 and 3 she saw Andrew. Year 2 was way too difficult - she was an emotional wreck and she wisely chose not to have a visit. She hasn't told us what she did on his fourth birthday. I suspect she did not see him. The adoptive parents had written Diane this spring and let her know that Andrew was now a big brother. They had adopted an infant girl. Diane can't talk about it. I think the reality hit. If Andrew is a a big brother then he really has connections with Tom and Linda, and really is a part of their family.

She had this fantasy (although when she talked about it, it was clearly her reality) that Tom and Linda were just taking care of Andrew until he was older. Linda wasn't his mother - she was just taking care of him. YIKES!!! Anyhow - the new baby sister burst Diane's fantasy and now she doesn't talk about it. How absolutely painful.

In some ways that fantasy was helpful to Diane maintaining the delicate balance of everyday living. Her PTSD, reactive attachment issues, major learning disabilities, and mental health issues made everyday living HARD for Diane. She would say she was getting good grades in case Andrew were to find her, She wanted to go to college (which she has done!!!Yay her!!!) for Andrew...she wasn't doing those things for her - but for Andrew... Regardless of her motivations, we are very proud of her accomplishments and her ability to rise above the many challenges she has faced. She's done the apartment, college job thing - but floats in and out of the world of adult responsibility. Don't we all sometimes....

Anyhow - Diane called and said she wanted to bring by her boyfriend of six months for dinner to meet the Moms. YIKES. This really could be serious. I wonder what he'll call us??? I'll keep you posted.