Bucksquat spoke to two of his three sisters last night. At 10 he is the youngest. Two teens live about an hour away in different homes. The eldest sibling is in the military in the southern United States. Mostly his conversations go well. Usually he trys to parent them - and actually does a good job. But, like any parent, he will worry himself sick with things out of his control with sisters who are almost 5, 7 and 9 years older than him. You know - issues like dating, cars and military careers...
When the conversations don't go well (trigger the PTSD, dredge up the memory swamp...and out comes THE SWAMP MONSTER) - a dark cloud of I am not sure what descends: loss/grief/anger/disregulation/confusion/hurt/sadness. You can actually see his features change, his posture adjust, his speech patterns shift. I am sure we are not the only adoptive family who sees this when a child reconnects witht the bio family. He usually connects a minimum of twice monthly - phone calls to the 3 girls and a monthly get together designed for siblings that don't live together. Which means we have the SWAMP MONSTER visit at least twice monthly.
What was hard about last night's phone conversation with the middle sister was after hanging up he stomped upstairs to where we were sitting. (Okay - to where we were HIDING, feeling shattered and drained after having spent all day transitioning RADISH to QUEST. But I digress....) He handed us a simple note and went back downstairs to stew.
The note read "I want to see my mom".
Wow.
Let me begin by saying we support this - but we'd like to wait til fall when he is connected with his new therapist at the same clinic where he has been seen for two years. His previous therapist (whom we respected and adored!!!!!) moved in mid July and there will be a little summer therapy hiatus. We'll start with the new therapist as school begins. We'd like him to present this to his therapist, have them work on healthy boundaries, tame the SWAMP MONSTER, and ultimately, if it is clinically appropriate, have the therapist supervise a visit with bio Mom in her office.
What makes it challenging is the 3 girls have seen bio Mom a few times now. They were not adopted - but Bucksquat was. Bio-Mom has inconsistently followed the adoption agreement so far and won't even supply us with an address to write updates to her. Visits are not in the adoption agreement. We just adopted in November. I think part of him just wants to see her because the other siblings see her, and he feels left out. It doesn't help that the sisters tell him all about their visits with bio Mom. Prior to the adoption, bio-Mom cancelled several visits scheduled with the all kids and the social worker. Bucksquat has not seen her in three years. Because of her physically abusive, unstable past, I am a little hesitant to let her back into his life. He deserves to see her. He needs to make peace (or WAR) with his past. I fear for Bucksquat. He is still fragile from the abuse and neglect, and has a history of psychiatric hospitalizations, and has lived in a residential treatment program (QUEST) to manage his fallout... I want to sort out my own insecurities and fears from Bucksquats needs. ARGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are going CAMPING for the weekend and will return to civilization (internet and social workers) Tuesday. Until then, I'll ponder, reflect and pray.
Advice??? Feedback????
It's a tough situation and will be no matter what. Because my oldest was convinced it was my fault he didn't see his mother I worked pretty hard to track her down and arrange a visit. His mother didn't want a visit but I kept working on it. I told him that I was working on it but it would make her and him feel better if he drew/wrote to her so I encouraged him to do this whenever he felt like it and we could send them to her. (We never did.) I even got him a "special" sketch pad/journal for it. He was about 8 1/2 years old at the time. He excitedly did the first drawing of him and her with all kinds of words/pictures around it. One of these phrases was "love = hate" and it was written in big print 5 times. I didn't say anything just validated his work. After he had 3 letters/ drawings we sat down and talked about what they meant/were and questions I had plus questions I thought she might ask if she read/saw these. It opened up a pretty healthy dialogue between us and after a few months while he still missed her he wasn't sure he was ready to see her. (Of course, she was by then!) So I arranged a visit without letting him know just in case she was a no show and the three of us (he has a younger bio brother)went to the meeting place. It was a good visit, she was anxious and nervous (lots of neglect/abuse), and I got to see all the mixed emotions he was experiencing. He seemed pretty resolved after that meeting and a saw a calming in him but it also opened up some channels for communicating about her AND for us to visit some "truths."
ReplyDeleteSorry this is so long. I don't know if any of this helps you but I guess my point is that no matter the reason for wanting to see her, I think it is important for breaking down some illusions under the right circumstances and with some guidance from you he might be able to process some feelings before and after. You'll figure it out.
Let the kid see his mother.
ReplyDeleteLK
Thanks!!!!!
ReplyDeleteVery distrubing, but I understand the sickness and deep rooted indoctrination that many of those caring for children are suffering from.
ReplyDeleteSome actually believe they have some sort of 'special' insight or psychic power to determine child abuse. In Canada, there is main stream news from Barrie, Ontario, where CPS tried to remove a child based on the word of a psychic that one of these mentally ill people went to see. Try to phone up a CPS office and tell them GOD told you a child was being abused and see how quick they lock you up. The sickness runs deep and the financial incentives employeed across the board need to be abolished. Incentives only benefit private corporations, their owners and boards, and those employeed with them.
Ultimately the grim reports and statistics show that foster care is far more dangerous and damaging to a child, but I am sure those in the system can disassociate themselves and filter the information to allow things to fit nicely in their own little bubble of reality.
Unfortunately the children suffer, while the real abusers, the system and those who benefit
financially(foster carers, therapists, psychologists, lawyers, judges, workers, executives, etc.), suck the tax payer dry.
I think you have a little boy who is hurting for his family. I know you try to be this boy's moms but it's not working. He needs desperately to make peace with his past. He needs them in his life, especially his sisters. You cannot sever that bond and nor should you even want to. I think you need to make a bigger effort to let him see them. They're his blood, for God's sake. He loves them and that's all there is to it. If his mom is truly a bad person, he'll figure that out all on his own. He doesn't and will not need your help. However, what you might see as her not wanting to be involved in his life might be because it hurts her entirely too much.
ReplyDeleteOne problem I have with foster care providers is it's always about them and how they feel. Sometimes they mention the children but most times not. You seem to care about this child so why not care about the woman who gave birth to him? Everyone deserves compassion. I'm sure she's well aware of what she lost. Speaking from a natural parent's point of view, the pain is so intense that sometimes it literally feels like you're dying. Don't automatically assume she's being selfish. Well, maybe she is. After all, she's also a human being with feelings although most fosters would prefer to think they're just mindless, feelingless breeders for those who can't, for whatever reason, have their own children. That is not what we are, nor will we ever be.
So get out of your own heads for a few minutes and think about how she might feel. It's not only about you!
Wow..this is a thoughtful post albeit a tough situation. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the system has been abusing him worse than his abusive mom. Kids don't end up in facilities because they're bad but because the system is... Even the worst case psychotic cases are in and out in a few months these days, usually within days if they can be stabilized. For him, the system is actually worse than his mom and family. The family may have been crazy, neglectful, slightly abusive but the system has been all that and worse... He didn't end up in treatment for nothing... He needs a connection with his mom in case a genetic problem crops up. That doesn't mean she should have unsupervised visits... if they're allowed at all.
ReplyDeleteI agree that waiting and having him in therapy during this part of his life (visits) is the best way. Maybe he needs perspective. It's hard to know what is best for the child sometimes. Use your mommy instincts. So sorry. Could this be a form of unhealthy attachment? The therapist should have a good idea of what he can handle.
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