So The Therapist Says

So today The Other Mother and I sat in on Cal's therapy when he told his therapist that...Well, what I WISH he told his therapist is that he sees an IMAGINARY person named Frank that lives in his closet and talks to him. Sadly, Cal beleieves this "Frank" is a REAL person. Cal's odd behaviors since his arrival in September support his recent disclosure. See yesterday's post for more specifics.

Anyhow, I'm pretty fried from today. The Cliff Notes version of our therapy session is that Cal's therapist explained that Frank could just be a very complex friend that may or may not stick around (he did NOT use the word imaginary)or Frank could be a short circuit in his brain that makes him see or hear something that isn't there - and then there are medicines that can help fix the short circuit. That it is important for them to talk more about it to figure it out together...Cal's therapist's plan is to check in often and talk about "Frank", and for Cal to let one of us know when "Frank" is scaring him or asking him to do things he doesn't like.

We had a few minutes wrap up while Cal sat in the waiting room. Basically a wait and see sort of thing. Doesn't think Cal is in need of meds at this point based on what he is seeing today. Cal is not having olfactory aspects, for example. "Frank" does have not have god-like powers. Cal seems to have some control over "Frank". Blah Blah Blah. He wanted to think about the "secondary" or useful benefits of seeing "Frank".

We get that when your Mom neglects you and others abuse you, it can be pretty freaking useful to have an imaginary friend, like Jiminy Cricket, to keep you company and watch over you......HOWEVER, Cal isn't seeing a happy little cricket in a top hat singing words of encouragement. We are talking about seeing a tall scary guy wearing a floppy fishing hat that can make snakes come out of his eyes).

We get that imagination can be useful when dealing with difficult situations. HOWEVER this is NOT feeling useful to Cal. In fact, it seems to be scaring the crap out of him. Tonight he said he's worried Cal will do something to him in his sleep because he told everyone all about Frank. Lovely.

I think Cal was relieved to have talked about it in therapy, BUT on the ride home expressed he didn't think his therapist really understood about Frank. After therapy he had a lunch visit with his Grandma and Bio Mom. At lunch he told them about Frank. He said his Mom just laughed but his Grandma was real quiet. Real quiet.

Grandma knows. We know. Cal knows. Frank knows.

We are all just waiting, patiently, for the therapist to know.

Two Versions Of The Weekend - You Can't Make This Stuff Up

PUBLIC VERSION:
This weekend we headed to Vermont where The Other Mother was able to attend her lay ministry class all day Saturday while I took the boys down the lake to watch the annual Snowmobile races. After lunch they spent the afternoon ice skating at the public rink in the park. We had to go round them up when they didn't come home on time for dinner...they all had sore ankles, but otherwise had a blast. Saturday afternoon the baby had the flu bug and Saturday night was my turn. Lovely. Sadly, no Church on Sunday so we wouldn't spread the plague and contagion. More skating for the boys and a quiet, nauseous and headachy ride home to our humble New England State.



PRIVATE VERSION:
But let's backtrack to Friday monring, no school (teacher training day. The boys and baby and I plan to head to VT early and The Other Mother will drive up after work. I'm upstairs packing for Vermont with Cal, age 12. In his room, sorting clean piles of laundry into his bureau, closet and bag for VT. I go to shut the AlWAYS open, double wide, folding closet doors. Cal looks at me anxiously. I don't shut the closet all the way. He still looks worried. What? He stares at the closet and then the rug, pauses, and says, "You know there's a guy named Frank who lives in my closet."

WHOA.

"Huh. Really. What does he look like?" He calmly answered all my questions about Frank and explained some things I had seen or heard and couldn't put my finger on. Like sometimes after school he runs up to his room and can be heard talking/mumbling loud enough to hear, but too quiet to understand. I had just thought he was singing or something - turns out he is talking to Frank.

OMG.

When Cal pushes his fingers and hands on his eyes, it is because even when he closes his eyes, Frank is still there.

GREAT.

He asked if I do hear him talking to Frank not to just barge in because he didn't know what Frank would do if I came just came in. I calmly assured him I would knock first.

HOLY CRAP.

So, tomorrow we are going to therapy, at Cal's request, to help him tell his therapist that he is seeing things, not very nice things. Specifically, for a long time there has been a tall young man who lives in his closet and talks to him, plays tricks on him (moves his possessions around so he can't find them), sometimes is mean (pushes him out of bed at night) can get realy mad (has threatened to kill Cal), wears a fishing cap and everyday clothes, has several masks (some clown like, some scary) can make snakes come out of his eyes, can make more of himself so there are several Franks in the room, doesn't go away ("he is still there behind my eyes even after I close them") sometimes pokes him and touches him. Cal says he knows Frank isn't there when he looks, but he still feels it and sometimes it is weird.

ONLY SOMETIMES?

I asked him if he had told his Mom or anyone else about Frank. No. Has Fank always been around? No. He said he remembers telling his Mom when he was younger about feeling like there were ants crawling in his brain and there were lobsters in his brain eating the ants and it was all very noisy. His Mom knew about that, but NOT Frank.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

In my calmest most everyday voice said I wanted to give him my best advice, but didn't have a lot of experience with stuff like this and suggested we tell and talk to someone who might know more about these things. He thought we should tell AK "because he sees ghosts, he'd understand." AK sees ghosts??? WTF????? He's called AK for AVERAGE KID - as in no freaking major problems...just an ordinary kid.

UMMM I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOUR THERAPIST - HE'S A SMART GUY.

Cal's therapist is clinically strong and I trust him. It helps he has "Doctor" in front of his name, but is relaxed and goes by his first name. Cal respects him and is comfortable talking there. He helped Cal figure out that he can't help that he has tics (Cal's very recent Tourettes diagnosis).

So now Cal is talking freely about Frank and Bobby hears this and starts asking questions and Cal is telling and then while we are driving to pick up AK Bobby is acting like he sees Frank too. When Cal's in the restroom at the rest stop, I pull Bobby aside and asked him about it. Bobby said "I don't really see Frank but I didn't want to make Cal feel bad - I didn't know what to say -but now it is creeping me out."

YEAH. ME TOO.

So on our way to Vermont, car fully packed, Bobby, Cal and I head to Divison of Family Services to pick up AK (who is having a 3 hour supervised visit). The Other Mother will follow later, after work, and bring the two dogs. At DFS, I tell the boys I need to check in with the baby's social worker and leave the 3 boys in the teen room with video games. I go back and share Cal's disclosure with 2 social worker supervisors and tell them my plan if things don't go so well over the weekend.

FINE

Twenty minutes later, Back in the car heading to VT. AK is mad and clearly fuming. What happened??? Bobby, my little parentified gossip queen tells me all: AK is mad at Cal because he thinks Cal is making FUN of him because AK sees ghosts and Cal is only making up Frank to tease him. I wish someone else could have witnessed AK's eyes bug out when I said, "Ummmm, no. Really. No. He is not teasing you, He really thinks he sees Frank. Really".


YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS CRAP UP!

Hopeful, Honored and Humbled

Yesterday, when I dropped the baby off for her visit at the rehab program where Mom currently lives, Baby Dee's Bio-Mom asked me to be her God-Mother. Wow. I was so touched, I couldn't say anything. Tears welled up. Mom said "aww...don't cry". Hearing the word "cry" was my cue. I blubbered. I sniffled, I blubbered and nodded yes. I hugged her and thanked for letting us take care of her baby. I blubbered a little bit more, pulled myself together and told her she was an amazing woman and that we believed in her and that she could do this (parent this little baby with special needs). We both blubberd a little. Damn P.M.S. Program staff tried to look busy and pretend they weren't watching. I'm kind of glad they were. I's always nice to have a witness to a miracle.

Last Friday was Court for the baby: Reunification. Work on housing and getting all her Doctors lined up. Yada-Yada. Baby Dee's Bio-Mom has her public housing all lined up on the other side of the state for March 1st: a single story 3 bedroom house with a great yard on a cul-de-sac- even comes with washer and dryer...WOW! Baby will (unlikely)go when Mom moves March 1 or will (MOST LIKELY) move a few weeks after. Mom needs a little time to set up house and register an older sibling in school. The next few weeks are for setting up referrals and new doctors for the 17 or so professionals thIS little baby sees. We've all been hard at work with appointments and the socail workers are setting up transitional planning meetings for all providers (us included- can you imagine????).

Today, I feel hopeful, honored and humbled all at once.

I am hopeful for the baby's future (whatever and wherever that may look like) and that Mom's network, her village of support, will help her through the challenges she will face parenting and maintaining her sobriety. I am hopeful that the Division of Family Services in our noble New England State will continue to recognize that foster families can be ongoing supports for bio-families (when appropriate) and that when this happens - everyone benefits.

I am honored to be included in that village by being asked to be Godmother. My heart is touched by the sweetness of Mom's gesture. Pure Grace.

I am am humbled by the unexpected teachers that come into our lives, and the solid, clear messages they bring. My heart is full.

Thank you Baby Dee. Thank you Bio-Mom. Thank you God.

This Is How We Do It

I am still thinking about my response to a post at another Mom's blog tonight. How do we do what we do? How do we parent difficult children? How do we parent so many children and maintain our sanity? Is is possible?

How do WE do it? The quick version if you are tired and stressed is SIMPLIFY, PRAY, BLOG, and JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.

Christine at welcometomybrain.net responded to the same post with the call to freedom: SIMPLIFY - can I have an AMEN sister???? UmmHmmm. We try to make our lives more streamlined and simpler not always by choice; but we do it. I no longer worry that my house isn't clean enough, tidy enough. I can't. Not with the number of appointments I have each week for the kids. I have a new relationship with dust bunnies in my house. I've taken a break from talking on the phone and no longer spend afternoons at the library browsing. Sadly, my sewing machines and embarassing stash of quilting fabric gathers dust. Novels sit stacked on my nightstand - but are not read. Instead, in the bathroom are well worn back issues of FOSTER PARENTING TODAY and QUILTER"S NEWSLETER. The living room coffee table hosts RAISING CHILDREN WHO REFUSE TO BE RAISED, PARENTING OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN (about RAD) and UNWELCOME COMPAINION (about Tourettes.) When folks who don't know us so well stop by, I have been known to toss an LL BEAN catalog over the stack for privacy. Reading, quilting, browsing through bookstacks...Not so much anymore. I use that "found" time to keep my family and sanity intact.

Spiritually I bathe my soul in prayer each night. Quietly, silently, alone. After the Other Mother is Asleep (Have I ever mentioned that she is SLEEP GIFTED??? As in she can fall asleep in moments, wherever, whenever and does NOT need an alarm to wake? She sets her "internal" alarm clock. She is a FREAK but I love her anyway.)

So, as I was saying. I pray. We pray. We go to Church and pray some more. We hold hands and say grace at the dinner table each night. It rotates around the table - each night a different person leads us in a blessing. I close my eyes , breathe deep and am embraced by my partner's and children's spiritual hope.

We blog. I should say I blog. The Other Mother checks my/our blog daily. I told her she should be a follower. I still can't believe 26 people are interested in what I have to say. Some days, I can't believe that I have something to say I am so freaking tired and emotionally spent from my kids and their needs. But like payer, it heals my soul to connect in thsi way.

I search out other excellent Mom's, read their blogs and try to learn from them. There are some amazing Moms out there. The woman whose post I commented on is one of them. There are many Mom's out there that don't yet know they are AMAZING. But they are. Truly AMAZING.

Support groups always sounded so peace-love-happiness-hippy-touchy feely- earthy crunchy....I was a bit put off by the idea of hanging out with strangers to "share" our experiences. I couldn't have been more wrong. (Those of you who know me in real life will want to mark it on the calendar that I publicly admitted I was WRONG.) As the parent of children challenged by trauma, I am often wrong. My encouraging words are seen as criticism, my questions become challeneges, my need for affection and closeness puts up the walls of defense. I am so often WRONG - but I so want to get it RIGHT for them. But how? They deserve no less.

So, go find a good support group. Better yet, find a LOUSY support group and MAKE IT BETTER. I cannot say enough about the two incredible adoption and foster support groups we attend. One meets monthly in the community room at the local library 6:30-8:30. We share snacks and share stories of our crazy lives. Every other month we have a decent guest speaker and get some traiing hours in. It is soooo therapeutic (and it is DATE NIGHT for us - sad but true). Our adoption group meets 7pm - 10 pm at a nice hotel's restaurant. We have dinner and cokes (and once in a while, cocktails) and catch up on each other's lives. If there aren't groups in your area - start one...Really. You can do this parenting thing ALONE - but it is really better shared with other families who really GET IT.

So how do YOU do it??? What is your secret to successful parenting? Maintaining you sanity???? We want to know.

I'm Frugal not Cheap

ESSIE says: Get Your Cheap On.

For the details visit http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/

God, I wish I knew how to do a proper link. Any how....

Too True Tues(day) is your time to tell it like it is! Let the truth be known. Sing it loud, sing it proud. It is your chance to confess, let out your embarrassing secrets, and share with the world. Let it all out and let the truth set you free. This week, tell us how cheaptastic you can be. Now, everyone buys store brand toilet paper and aspirin when funds get tight. That doesn't count, I am afraid you are going to have to dig deeper. Buying generic cereal and putting it in an empty box of Cocoa Puffs for the kids type of deeper.

Ok - here goes.

We have a vacation home in Northern Vermont and are able to swing the mortgage, taxes, heat etc etc not because we are rich - but because I am stinkin' FRUGAL.

Some things I don't mind spending good money on (for example, Quilting magazine subscriptions are a luxury I am NOT giving up. But for the most part I do cheap (I mean FRUGAL) whenever I can.

Some ways we free up money each month:

Eliminated fancy cable - we only have basic cable now (our bill was over $75 and is now $6) SAVED $69

We don't rent movies anymore. (3 movies a weekend for 4 weeks a month = SAVED $48

We don't go out to dinner once a week like we used to ($40 dinner 4 times a month = $160 SAVED

We don't need to pay for a babysitter once a week since we aren't dining out (SAVED $25 a week or $100 a month. The Division of Family Services pays for sitters for DFS approved events/appointments. Date night is now going to 2 foster/adoption meetings a month where we have an absolute BLAST with the most amazing women.

I get 2 or 3 haircuts a year and do the in between cuts and trims myself. (SAVED $15 month averaged out)

I do my brows and coloring. Never at the salon. (SAVED about $40 a month averaged out)

I save all year to prepay our oil at both houses- SAVE $20 month

I prepay $200 extra in principal on my mortgage of $80,000 each month saving us 15 YEARS on the 30 year loan. 15 years NOT paying $475.00 a month is SWEEEET!!!!!!!! Not sure how to officially count this - but lets say I am SAVING about $100 per month

I've increased the deductibles/adjusted coverage on our insurances (homes/cars) SAVED $20 each month

ALL THIS JUST ABOUT ADDS UP TO THE MORTGAGE. Then I do the usual bargain hunt, buy SUAVE type shampoos only when they go on sale, etc, etc, and generic brand food ONLY when it tastes just as good...some generics are plain old GROSS.

I wardrobe replenish and Christmas/birthday shop when I have a 30% off coupon at KOHLS (I hit the clearance dept and I save HUNDREDS of dollars and love to show the Other Mother the receipts and how much I have "SAVED")

I Christmas shop year round and have a several storage bins with my nice bargains set aside. This year for Christmas, Bobby's three teenaged sisters got really nice leather scrapbooks (on clearnce for $3 at TJ MAXX in May and Scrapbook paper/scrapbook accesories from Marshalls in August... all in all we spent about $10 per girl. They are set with gifts from Bobby for next year too - I found really cool designer photo albums on clearance at KOHLS for $6 and will buy them disposable cameras to go with.

I water down the kids Hawaiian Punch mostly to cut the calories and sugar - but it does stretch the juice a little.

I add water to the last of the laundry soap to get every last bubble out of the container.

I cut the tubes of my hand lotion to use the last of it.

Instead of using two of those fancy frozen pasta/chicken/sauce meals in a bag, I just cook one and add a package of frozen veggies to stretch the meal, and cut extra calories. I buy them only on sale and stock up.

If you have read this far, I know I can reveal my most recent DEEPEST DARKEST BARGAIN HUNTING SECRET....

I have enough sanitary pads to last until menopause......

I shop FOR MAD CRAZY bargains ALL THE TIME and am prepared to buy it when I see it. Last week Rite Aid drug store was consolidating their sanitary napkin aisle or something - because Stayfree 22 count with wings was 75% off (97 cents folks) but the 18 count and 28 count were not even on sale. Same thing for Kotex Overnights - also 75% off - $1.75. I bought four of each style for a total of 8 packages (spent $11 and would have spent over $45...SAVED $34 and I now have enough pads to last me until menopause...)

That's all I can think of right now.....

Conflicted Feelings and Breached Boundaries

I've been struggling with what, I am sure, every foster parent goes through at some point. Instead of focusing solely on the child and "thinking like a foster parent", I am beginning to think about the Bio-parents and big-picture stuff.

I don't know if that means I am "thinking like a social worker", but I do know that I don't like feeling diluted in my loyalties. Yes, diluted. Not deluded. Diluted. Watered down and weakened. Losing clear focus of my role, to care only for the child.

I now have compassion and can think about Bio-Mom and her feelings/needs/rights. I can see her imperfect-humanity and genuinely like her, mourn her cognitive disbilites, grieve her limitations. ARGH.

My boundaries have been breached.

I know it is because I spend HOURS with her each week at appointments several days a week. I also now bring the baby to her on Wednesdays for drop off and pick up for one of the three weekly visits. ARRRGGGHHHH.

This Friday is court where BIG DECISIONS will be made...lives already changed will be changed AGAIN. ARGHHHHH.

So Stinkin Proud

We are so stikin' proud of Corey at http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/.

She finished a Marathon this morning at Walt Disney World in 5 hours 57 minutes, 14 seconds with a pace of 13.37 minutes per mile.

Yeahhhhhhh Corey!!!!!!!