Today I Erased a Kid

Yep. You read that right. Today I erased a kid. The day was spent packing the clothes, books, school papers, Lego creatures, Matchbox cars, and the "Many Things of Manny".  It amazes me what kids can accumulate in a short time and even more - just how much of an impact a kid can have on a family in such a short time.

Impact is a pretty accurate word to describe what has happened to our family- visualize a meteor slamming into a snow covered mountain - or a car careening at full speed into a guardrail and a concrete wall...Kinda like that but with blond hair and blue-green eyes.

Rugs were shaken out. Toys washed and put away. Surfaces wiped down. Bedding washed and changed. Some household items broken beyond repair were thrown away. Everything was ritually sanitized. With bleach. Twice. The downstairs guest room stands empty and void of all things Manny. I cried.

When Manny was referred to us, we were doubtful of our ability to maintain him in our family setting and were curious why they were trying to place him in a "typical family" when his history reflected the need for more intensive or residential services.  Budget cuts and the need to try the least restrictive settings first, blah, blah, blah...was the reply. The placement worker appealed to our experience (and foolishness) and reputation of successfully taking on the more challenging (and crazy) adolescent boys.  We like crazy adolescent boys. We really do.

At our preplacement meeting in early March (the day after we returned from Orlando) we met the former foster parents. They remain connected and spoke highly of his many positive qualities. When we met Manny and began transition visits, we saw his many strengths: compassion, curiosity, kindness, playful, seeks affection and connection, smart, articulate, loves to be busy outdoors doing yardwork, interested in planting or gardening, good at tracking time and planning, helpful, able to self initiate and complete homework...and very, very, very VERY damaged by the  9 years of abuse and neglect at the hands of his birth family.

In fact, I gave him the blog moniker of Manny to reflect his many issues...including some emerging health concerns. The medical issues remain a big question mark while we await additonal scans and the specialists argue what to do next...But what is crystal clear is we are not able to manage his level of aggression, self injury, property destruction and rapid cycling of unpredictable behaviors that seem to be triggered by ordinary-everyday requests (like: use the bathroom)  or transitions (time to finish playing and come indoors) or perhaps it is just his invisible emotional barometer reacting to a change in the atmosphere.  A butterfly's wings flapping in the Amazon?

Who knows?

What I do know is based on the episode he exhibited on Friday evening, we are not equipped to safely maintain Manny in our home. I called 911 and then the The Division Of Family Services and they notified The Crisis Center Team to head to the hospital. I called our neighbors and told them to keep their 3 kids inside because the police were on their way for Manny in crisis and I didn't want them to see.

It was much as you'd expect. And then some.

Afterwards, I offered a drink of water to the officer in the first of the two police cars that responded. Clearly he was shook up by Manny's rage, strength and inability to regain control. And he was angry at being assaulted by a kid and upset over the damage done to the police car. Let's not forget that part.

I explained to the officer that our two older boys were waiting in an upstairs bedroom until they were told it was safe to come out. They boys were shook up and would be calmed by seeing the police had responded and that the situation was under control and that Manny was on his way to the hospital. He wanted to know how old they were...12 and 14...but right now they are 5 and 7 and very scared.

The officer stepped over the broken glass, came inside and I called the two older boys downstairs to process the aftermath with the police. Both boys were relieved and soon fell asleep on the couch watching Harry Potter work his magic.The Other Mother stayed with them while I left for the Emergency Room with a quickly packed bag of his clothes and meds.

I spoke to Manny yesterday afternoon after he was transferred from the Emergency Room and had travelled a few hours and had settled into the adolescent inpatient program.  I asked him how he was doing, made small talk.  I asked what the place was like.

"It's still nice" he said.
"Still?"
"I've been here before."
"Oh?"
"You've been there before?"
" Yeah. Three times."
"Oh"

I knew about the two other places, but didn't know about this. Apparently, there is much I don't know and even more we can't fix. 

Although we will visit and call and remain a resource for him, Manny is gone from our home and won't be coming back. He wants to come back. he has already asked.  He doesn't fully understand he is not coming back. I don't fully understand it either.

My obligation is to the safety and well being of the children already in my home. And to the safety and sanity of my house and marraige. He is not compatible with either.

Today I feel broken. Sad. Weary. Not sure I am cut out to do this hard work of heartbreak.