- Flooded basement due to snow melt, rain, the whim of Mother Nature and New England
- A surprise work crew of my amazing foster/adoption friends arrived and rescued us
- I love my Mountain Top Foster Support Group - they so get it and are a joy to be around
- Our entire basement's contents and cut up wall to wall carpet is now on the lawn or in the garage..
- An engine block or two, some chickens and a few sorry looking hound dogsto would complete the look.
- My neighbor has drawn their shades for the first time since we have lived here (10-11 years!)
- Who knew that's all it would take.
- Almost makes me NOT want to get a dumpster to throw it all away.
- The Other Mother and I taught a foster parent class on Tuesday for The Division of Family Services:
- A Tool Kit for Managing Difficult Behaviors
- How timely...
- New Kid arrived on Wednesday. A brief honeymoon ensued.
- Very brief.
- Emergency Room Psych Visit Friday.
- Yeah - the whole enchilada, cuffs, restraints....
- Did I mention the very brief honeymoon?
- Spit Sock Hood- sadly, a new word in my vocabulary and even sadder, a must have fashion item
- Wish it came in more colors
- The one available kid psych bed in the state would not take him because he was too violent and acute.
- There is nothing cute about violence.
- Hospital wanted to know if they discharge would we take him home.
- Uhhhh. Nooooo. Not this weekend.
- What the heck kind of message would that send?
- Emergency Room for more than 24 hours.
- Now at a Residential Program some distance from here.
- So we start again with phone calls and transitional visits to help this little guy give family living another try.
- Sigh.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What A Difference A Week Makes
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Foster Care, Done Right
We have been busy meeting with folks regarding an 8 year old living at a RTC who will join our family this week afters several transition visits. The Division of Family Services should be proud - they invested time and energy in arranging an informative placement meeting! In all our years of foster care I have only had one other pre-placment meeting. This boy does NOT look good on paper and I am certain most placement calls would have been met with a resounding "no thanks"...
The meeting at the RTC on Tuesday consisted of Social Worker, Social Worker supervisor, Foster Family's Social Worker, Attorney, Former Foster parents and their adult child (for the sibling perspective) RTC caseworker, RTC and Division Placement Liaison and us. After we met for an hour and a a half and they answered our questions we had a casual/informal introduction to the (not so little) Little Guy while he visited with his former foster family (who remains in touch for holidays and periodic visits).
We then went to get our boys and take them to dinner and discuss bringing an 8 year old boy from RTC to the house. Bobby's first happy, excited question: "Oh!!! Are we adopting him?!!!!". He was a little sad when I said we didn't know if he was available for adoption....I'm taking that as a good sign.
James didn't know why a kid would live at RTC so I explained that sometimes foster families weren't available or available in the town you wanted to live in and you had to wait, and Bobby piped up and said it was also for kids with BIG behaviors. Bobby should know as he came to our family from the same RTC at the age of 8 in the summer of 2007 with his own set of BIG behaviors. BIG, BIG behaviors, which are teeny, tiny, now.
James was still looking a little confused about why a kid would live in a RTC. Sigh.
As we are getting ready to leave the restaurant, Bobby leans up against me, smiles a freckle faced grin and says "I was a frickin' blowup THEN and NOW look at me!" I laughed so hard. Truer words were never spoken....My boy has come a long, long, way.....
The meeting at the RTC on Tuesday consisted of Social Worker, Social Worker supervisor, Foster Family's Social Worker, Attorney, Former Foster parents and their adult child (for the sibling perspective) RTC caseworker, RTC and Division Placement Liaison and us. After we met for an hour and a a half and they answered our questions we had a casual/informal introduction to the (not so little) Little Guy while he visited with his former foster family (who remains in touch for holidays and periodic visits).
We then went to get our boys and take them to dinner and discuss bringing an 8 year old boy from RTC to the house. Bobby's first happy, excited question: "Oh!!! Are we adopting him?!!!!". He was a little sad when I said we didn't know if he was available for adoption....I'm taking that as a good sign.
James didn't know why a kid would live at RTC so I explained that sometimes foster families weren't available or available in the town you wanted to live in and you had to wait, and Bobby piped up and said it was also for kids with BIG behaviors. Bobby should know as he came to our family from the same RTC at the age of 8 in the summer of 2007 with his own set of BIG behaviors. BIG, BIG behaviors, which are teeny, tiny, now.
James was still looking a little confused about why a kid would live in a RTC. Sigh.
As we are getting ready to leave the restaurant, Bobby leans up against me, smiles a freckle faced grin and says "I was a frickin' blowup THEN and NOW look at me!" I laughed so hard. Truer words were never spoken....My boy has come a long, long, way.....
Friday, March 11, 2011
Saved By And Saving For Orlando
I do not have the words to express what Orlando has done for me. I told our Mountain Top Foster Adoption Support Group on Wednesday night that is it was a life changing trip. I do mean that. Women from all over the country coming together, blindly with faith and hope seeking understanding and compassion. We found it. We are not alone. There are scads of Moms who parent kids from the hard places and walk the walk of trauma daily. I am blessed to have been surrounded by their love and wisdom. I am quiet and inside myself with all that I have learned and experienced.
Tuesday morning I spent unpacking, settling in and scouring the house and car and extras from my State Quarter collection for any and all change. Why??? Because I am starting a bank account for Orlando. Money will not be a barrier to attend for me or other moms...several moms attended on scholar-ship and I hope to contribute to that again. Money is just a tool and I can't think of a better way to spend it than holding up Moms parenting other peoples kids. Ok- and supporting orphanages...and maybe a hot tub. And a new Sienna mini-van...but really, the Orlando Retreat money feels more concrete and something I can easily accomplish....
I am embarassed to admit that the only inkling of unhappiness we have experienced so far is James left his souvenier T-Shirt and water bottle in the middle of the kitchen table as a passive/aggressive way of saying he was not happy with us going away. However, last night after dinner he brought it to his room where it will sit on the floor next to the christmas presents he still has not taken out of the bag....*sigh*
Anyhow, it is nice to know he cares about us and missed us in his own special way.
Tuesday morning I spent unpacking, settling in and scouring the house and car and extras from my State Quarter collection for any and all change. Why??? Because I am starting a bank account for Orlando. Money will not be a barrier to attend for me or other moms...several moms attended on scholar-ship and I hope to contribute to that again. Money is just a tool and I can't think of a better way to spend it than holding up Moms parenting other peoples kids. Ok- and supporting orphanages...and maybe a hot tub. And a new Sienna mini-van...but really, the Orlando Retreat money feels more concrete and something I can easily accomplish....
I think I have $78.63 here as seed money for Orlando 2012.
It has been a strange returning to our atmosphere. Our boys have been very sweet and welcoming and there has been no fall out.
Yet.
I am embarassed to admit that the only inkling of unhappiness we have experienced so far is James left his souvenier T-Shirt and water bottle in the middle of the kitchen table as a passive/aggressive way of saying he was not happy with us going away. However, last night after dinner he brought it to his room where it will sit on the floor next to the christmas presents he still has not taken out of the bag....*sigh*
Anyhow, it is nice to know he cares about us and missed us in his own special way.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A Few Short Hours
In a few short hours we will board a plane headed to Florida. There our lives will be forever changed by the 68 amazing Moms we will spend the weekend with. There will be much laughing, crying, nodding and knowing. I am excited and nervous about finally meeting the other foster/adoptive/bio moms who "get it" and with whom we have bared our souls to through our personal blogs. This weekend we will hold each other up in friendship and understanding so that we may all return, rested, to our daily lives and do the work we love: parenting challenging kids and other peoples children... Pretty cool - huh?
We had better return rested on Monday. Tuesday we have a big meeting at a residential program about a potential placement....Cross your fingers it's a good match and we have what is needed to help this child heal.
We had better return rested on Monday. Tuesday we have a big meeting at a residential program about a potential placement....Cross your fingers it's a good match and we have what is needed to help this child heal.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Does This Family Come In Another Color?
James' does not want to live with us...the problem is we are white. White women to be exact. What he really wants is a foster family of color. Any color except white. If he can't have that he'd like to be in a family with a Dad. Any color dad, including white. If he can't have that then he'd stay with us.
In either scenario he would like to live in nearby city with a reputation of being as intellectually liberal and culturally diverse as our city. Problem is there are maybe 5 foster families in that city, none of whom are of color. When kids in that city need foster care, they wind up in my city: having to switch schools, sports teams, commuity connections. It sucks.
His bio-mom and grandmother, therapist, psychiatrist, teammmates, schoolmates, coaches few friends and mentor all live in this town. If he moves to another city he will lose the ease of access to these resources. Most importantly, If he moves to another city he will lose his school connections. Now, the teachers here love him, and a few have known him since first grade. His teachers understand his quirky behaviors and processing issues, learning challenges, behavior problems and are totally committed to his successs. If he moves to another town they won't know him and love him and will likely perceive him as just another tough punk @ss kid....
Okay. If he needed eyeglasses, we'd get him eyeglasses. He wants a family of color...or a dad of any color... How can I deny him that????
I don't take it personal anymore. I did at first.....I was hurt that we were perceived as lacking, that we weren't good enough..that we weren't fun enough, busy enough. You know what? It is NOT about us...
Of course the real issue is that the Division of Family Services is sorely lacking in foster families of color...how do I know this? The Social Worker (who is a person of color) asked me if I knew of any foster families of color.....Ummmm...wouldn't you know since you work for DFS???? Finding ethnic homes, wouldn't that be DFS's job???? Ummmmm. Sure...I guess I can do that. Whatever.
I had talked to James and his Social Worker about my plan and I asked permission to bring his photo album. They agreed. James also understood that any advocacy on my part would not necessarily result in a home for James (by the time a person is interested, makes inquiries, discusses it with spouse or family, agrees, get's background checks, attends an 8 week parenting class that runs only 4 times a year, then fills out a crazy long application, gets references checked, fingerprinted and a homestudy written we are talking six months to a year....) so the work I was doing might benefit kids of color - but not necessarily him.
So I went to the "World-Wide-Clips" salon (the ONLY ethnic barber shop in both of our towns)
and waited for an hour to get my hair trimmed by the owner.....who was a bit surprised to have me - a middle aged white woman - sitting in his chair all cheerful and perky asking for a trim in the back. You see, I cut my own hair and it is pretty short right now - so there wasn't much hair to cut! It is difficult to do the back evenly, so the Other Mother ususally does a line-up in the back after I have hacked away. I was there to get my back cleaned up and because I thought it was the best way to have his "ear" for at least 20 minutes....
He remembered cutting James' hair and remembered me from past visits. I explained I was hoping he could make some connections for me to recruit foster families of color to fill a need in the community. It went so well that after my trim, he told the other two stylists he was going to go next door to the restaurant where we could talk uninterrupted....So we left his salon with plenty of folks waiting their turn and went next door for some quick, yummy mexican food....and we talked and talked and talked....
Bottom line: he is willing to introduce me to folks who may have connections to public forums where I could speak and recruit some foster families of color (like churches, civic groups, men's clubs etc) The best part - he offered to host a social event at his salon after hours and invite folks who may be instrumental in getting this party started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yippeeeee.
In either scenario he would like to live in nearby city with a reputation of being as intellectually liberal and culturally diverse as our city. Problem is there are maybe 5 foster families in that city, none of whom are of color. When kids in that city need foster care, they wind up in my city: having to switch schools, sports teams, commuity connections. It sucks.
His bio-mom and grandmother, therapist, psychiatrist, teammmates, schoolmates, coaches few friends and mentor all live in this town. If he moves to another city he will lose the ease of access to these resources. Most importantly, If he moves to another city he will lose his school connections. Now, the teachers here love him, and a few have known him since first grade. His teachers understand his quirky behaviors and processing issues, learning challenges, behavior problems and are totally committed to his successs. If he moves to another town they won't know him and love him and will likely perceive him as just another tough punk @ss kid....
Okay. If he needed eyeglasses, we'd get him eyeglasses. He wants a family of color...or a dad of any color... How can I deny him that????
I don't take it personal anymore. I did at first.....I was hurt that we were perceived as lacking, that we weren't good enough..that we weren't fun enough, busy enough. You know what? It is NOT about us...
Of course the real issue is that the Division of Family Services is sorely lacking in foster families of color...how do I know this? The Social Worker (who is a person of color) asked me if I knew of any foster families of color.....Ummmm...wouldn't you know since you work for DFS???? Finding ethnic homes, wouldn't that be DFS's job???? Ummmmm. Sure...I guess I can do that. Whatever.
I had talked to James and his Social Worker about my plan and I asked permission to bring his photo album. They agreed. James also understood that any advocacy on my part would not necessarily result in a home for James (by the time a person is interested, makes inquiries, discusses it with spouse or family, agrees, get's background checks, attends an 8 week parenting class that runs only 4 times a year, then fills out a crazy long application, gets references checked, fingerprinted and a homestudy written we are talking six months to a year....) so the work I was doing might benefit kids of color - but not necessarily him.
So I went to the "World-Wide-Clips" salon (the ONLY ethnic barber shop in both of our towns)
and waited for an hour to get my hair trimmed by the owner.....who was a bit surprised to have me - a middle aged white woman - sitting in his chair all cheerful and perky asking for a trim in the back. You see, I cut my own hair and it is pretty short right now - so there wasn't much hair to cut! It is difficult to do the back evenly, so the Other Mother ususally does a line-up in the back after I have hacked away. I was there to get my back cleaned up and because I thought it was the best way to have his "ear" for at least 20 minutes....
He remembered cutting James' hair and remembered me from past visits. I explained I was hoping he could make some connections for me to recruit foster families of color to fill a need in the community. It went so well that after my trim, he told the other two stylists he was going to go next door to the restaurant where we could talk uninterrupted....So we left his salon with plenty of folks waiting their turn and went next door for some quick, yummy mexican food....and we talked and talked and talked....
Bottom line: he is willing to introduce me to folks who may have connections to public forums where I could speak and recruit some foster families of color (like churches, civic groups, men's clubs etc) The best part - he offered to host a social event at his salon after hours and invite folks who may be instrumental in getting this party started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yippeeeee.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Little Curious
James....sigh. James.
James came home last Friday with a silver and black ipod touch. For almost a year, he has been charging his plain old hot pink ipod upstairs on the charging station. So was it a little suspicious when he was charging this new ipod touch hidden on the floor behind the TV in the basement????? Just a little.
He claims his friend Kenny gave it to him. Kenny from last fall on the football team? Kenny who never calls, Kenny who he doesn't hang out with...that Kenny?
Someone you don't chill with just randomly gives you a gizmo that retails for about $225 - (certainly not chump change)...And his parents are OK with him doing that??? Really? Yeah- that makes NO sense. So I told James I was checking it out with Kenny's parents and if it didn't check out, I was going to the cops...
So...I go to the sandwich shop Kenny's family owns and ask to speak with Kenny's Mom or Dad. I intro myself, talk football team and then tell Dad that James tells me Kenny just gave James an ipod touch. I tell Dad I'm not sure James is telling the truth and I wanted to check it out.
"Huh?" he says."Hmm, one of those black music things?" he says, looking at me sideways.
"Yes!" I chirp "They go for about $200. That's a lot of money to give away. I just wanted to make sure..see if James is telling the truth...I wondered why he would give it to James and not to a family member....."
"I dunno...he's not around. You write your name and number on this paper and I'll ask him when he comes back from vacation and I'll call you." His eys and mannerisms made it clear this was not gonna be a parent-to-parent bonding moment.
Yeah I'll never hear from him....
Are The Other Mother and I the only parents in North America that might be a little curious about this???
James came home last Friday with a silver and black ipod touch. For almost a year, he has been charging his plain old hot pink ipod upstairs on the charging station. So was it a little suspicious when he was charging this new ipod touch hidden on the floor behind the TV in the basement????? Just a little.
He claims his friend Kenny gave it to him. Kenny from last fall on the football team? Kenny who never calls, Kenny who he doesn't hang out with...that Kenny?
Someone you don't chill with just randomly gives you a gizmo that retails for about $225 - (certainly not chump change)...And his parents are OK with him doing that??? Really? Yeah- that makes NO sense. So I told James I was checking it out with Kenny's parents and if it didn't check out, I was going to the cops...
So...I go to the sandwich shop Kenny's family owns and ask to speak with Kenny's Mom or Dad. I intro myself, talk football team and then tell Dad that James tells me Kenny just gave James an ipod touch. I tell Dad I'm not sure James is telling the truth and I wanted to check it out.
"Huh?" he says."Hmm, one of those black music things?" he says, looking at me sideways.
"Yes!" I chirp "They go for about $200. That's a lot of money to give away. I just wanted to make sure..see if James is telling the truth...I wondered why he would give it to James and not to a family member....."
"I dunno...he's not around. You write your name and number on this paper and I'll ask him when he comes back from vacation and I'll call you." His eys and mannerisms made it clear this was not gonna be a parent-to-parent bonding moment.
Yeah I'll never hear from him....
Are The Other Mother and I the only parents in North America that might be a little curious about this???
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