Yesterday's post made light of my son's constant battles of control and mistrust of everything and everyone. I cannot make light tonight. The sad reality is that my boy is hurting beyond hurt.

He is hurting enough that last night his regular verbal threats to take his life and his wishes that others "would just kill me and get it over with" escalated to a suicidal gesture. Certainly not his first -he has been hospitalized before - but the first gesture in our home since he arrived almost three years ago.

Basically, while getting ready for bed (doing the "brush and flush") his PTSD was triggered by two things: his perception he was being spoken to more harshly than James AND that James might hit or tickle him. But, really, his huge PTSD reaction was triggered by "who knows what" and the end result is he was flooded WELL BEYOND his capacity to cope...

I called the school to inform them Bobby had tried to harm himself and brought them up to speed. The school disclosed a several progressive issues he has been having: threatening to go to the commission of education against his principal when she asked him not to scribble over a standardized test, wanting to file a grievance against a substitute teacher asking that they not be allowed to teach, telling the principal that the recess lady wasn't doing a good job, etc etc. Fun times.

Today was his regular day for his monthly check in with his psychiatrist and Thursdays at 5pm is his regular therapy appointment.

We brought the baby over to our dear, foster-adoptive-friend, one of the amazing Mountain Top Moms, Miss Martha. Our babysitter is regularly scheduled for James on Thursdays (because Wednesday may be Pr*nce Spaghetti Day, but Thursday is therapy day...) but wanted her just to focus on James. I called all three kids Social Workers to let them know what was going on and then went to get Bobby at school for his appointment.

The Other Mother and I talked to his psychiatrist with Bobby in the room and then with him waiting outside in the hall. She upped his Pr*zac and put him back on Ten*x and we'll check back in two weeks. We decided to remove as many stressors as possible (instead of unstructured recess, stay indoors, etc.) She complimented our TEFLON DEMEANOR (the explanation of which is worth its own post...) She said she'd speak to his therapist. She said she see us again in 2 weeks.We left and got the baby and spent some time at the library until therapy time.

When we arrived for our 5pm at the very same office and right away his therapist called him back to "get started". I incorrectly assumed the psychiatrist had given the therapist a heads up that Bobby is currently in crisis and is imploding. NOT SO.

I could tell the therapist didn't know by the level of play (LOUD disregulated maniacal laughter and room shaking-floor thumping) that was coming through the walls into the waiting room and the lack of quiet (implying they are talking). When the session ended, I cheerfully, asked if the psychiatrist had spoken to him about Bobby's recent med changed and when he said "No", I asked to have a few minutes alone to update him.

Yeah, His eyes were bugging but he was trying to look all calm and cool. He said they talked about some girl on the playground who was bothering Bobby, but didn't mention trying to harm himself or get the principal fired etc. etc.

I AGAIN reminded his therapist that Bobby is skilled in deflecting and avoiding and manipulating therapy topics to AVOID talking of anything of importance. We reviewed a contingency plan for emergency crisis services in the event we have a repeat performance.

Tonight at home, we talked a lot, he cried a lot and we explained that we were going to help him try to manage all he is going through, that he didn't have to do it alone, that he could make some personal changes in how he has been trying to manage everything and take advantage of therapy to get through this hurdle...

WE are WIPED OUT.

No spin, no humor, nothing. It just sucks.

What Attachment & Trust Issues Look Like

First, let me say, THIS is what a child with attachment and trust issues looks like:



This is what they sound like:
COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*HACK*HACK*COUGH*BARK*SNIFFLE*COUGH*BARK*BARK*HACK*SNIFFLE*HACK

Bobby has not stopped coughing since he didn't get the snack he wanted.

Oh.My.Goodness...Seriously.

Bobby has been home "sick" from school the past two days. Cold? Allergies? I dunno. I'm wanting to avoid the mucous thing since he's had a cough-free day today. I've loaded him up on clear liquids, fruit juice....and for the possible allergy part he's taken Benadryl, too.

So, for snack this afternoon he wanted a chocolate covered granola bar.




I said " Have some fruit - something light."

He sighs. "I really want the granola bar."

"Have some fruit or veggies."



He stares at me. His eyes narrow. Game On.

I brightly say:
"We have:
red apples
green apples
peaches
pineapple
applesauce
mandarin oranges
and carrots."


He grabs the granola bar, reads the ingredients and says "It has nuts in it"'




I take a deep breath and say "Yup, it does. You can have fruit or veggies"

He stares. I can hear the gears in his brain calculating his next move.




I open the fridge door, and doing my very best lovely Carol Merril, give the Grand Tour of what's behind Door Number One:

"We have:
red apples
green apples
peaches
pineapple
applesauce
mandarin oranges
and carrots."

I pause.




He glares.

He re-opens the veggie drawer and says "I'll have the bannana."




Much to his surprise the yellow thing is a zucchini/summer squash and NOT a bananna (which he only wanted anyhow because I DIDN'T list it as an option.)



He glares.

I smile.

His nostrils flare a little.

I say "Listen - Your nose isn't running and you're not coughing are you?"

HUGE MISTAKE ON MY PART....

What I meant was "Because you've been following Dr. Mom's Medical Advice you don't have a runny nose and you aren't coughing phlegm like a wounded Harbor Seal every three minutes and therefore should keep listening to what I say until you get better."



At first I thought he didn't catch my meaning - Because he instantly started coughing and grabbed a dinner napkin to dramtically "wipe" his nose.

Maybe he interpreted what I said as "IF your nose is running AND you have a nasty cough THEN you can have the granola bar."

A few seconds of violent wounded Harbor Seal coughing go by and I realize, he understands my meaning all right. No confusion there.

Because I implied that our medical and parental care had something to do with his state of wellness, he was compelled to cough VIOLENTLY and suddenly begin to sniffle and wipe in order to PROVE ME WRONG.



His usual pathology is adults are NOT to be trusted, NOT to be relied on, and I am NOT his parent (merely his staff) and could NOT possibly know what is best for him.

He stares.

Now, it is my turn to glare.

He says "I guess I'm really not hungry after all."



And - he hasn't stopped coughing since.



(written 3:30 p.m.- 4:30 pm Tuesday)

Home Sick

Yesterday The Squat (aka Bucksquat / Bobby) had a nasty coughing-cold thing and was home from school.

Interesting to how a parentified child takes to being cared for when home ill.

He strolled outside and started playing.

I followed him outside and asked "What are you doing?"

"Playing" he says.

"Ummmm, Bobby, NO. Come back inside."

"Why?"

"If you're well enough to play outside then you're well enough to go to school."

"EXACTLY" is what he replied in an irritated/exasperated voice that strangely sounded just like mine.

Ummm...Bobby? Since you agree with the logic - do you think you could get inside??

It was a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Freakin' Day.

Today, The Squat (Bobby) is home AGAIN - This time on total bed rest. I pointed out to him that there really wasn't much difference sitting and listening to his teacher go on and on about Science or sitting and listening to Rachel Ray go on and on about Cooking. So - too sick for sitting & listening at school, too sick for sitting & listening to Rachel on TV. *sigh* My boy does love a good cooking show....*sigh*

So if he was sick - bed was the place to be and STAY ...... All.Day.Long.

When I checked on him a little while ago he had taken over James two shelves on the bookcase. James' stuff was gone from the bookshelves. Yup. Gone. Yesterday Bobby removed many of James' things from James' bureau and filled the space with Bobby's things. He even took James' stuff off the walls: he removed James' Greek God Ares' Sheild (a big class project) and his balloons and WELCOME JAMES poster (we make a welcome poster and put up on the door with balloons for new foster children - so they see that poster when they arrive at our door with their Social Worker.) So today I reminded him that he SHARED a room and needed to SHARE some space and took Bobby's stuff off James' shelves and put it back on Bobby's shelves. *sigh*

Umm Bobby? Just because you redecorate it - doesn't make it so. *sigh*

Monday Morning Check In

Great weekend in Vermont with family and friends.

Saw our eldest son - Alex. He's been working a lot of hours - so we don't get to see him as much as we'd like. It was so nice just to go for a drive to the lakes and talk. We did our usual Saturday trip to the animal shelter to see the cats and dogs and offer our volunteer services. After, we went to the hardware store and had ice cream for lunch. Alm*nd J*y Ice Cream. Yummers. What a bad mom I am. Yeah, you read that right...the ice cream shop is a part of the hardware store. One stop shopping. I so love Vermont.

Saturday dinner at Cindy and Patty's house..yumm. Hot dogs and kielbasa on the fire pit. Patty's famous strawberry and spinach salad. Marshmallows count as a vegetable -right??? I know for sure that M*ke's Hard Lemonade counts as a fruit.

It was music Sunday at Church with the Bell Choir, piano solos, contemporary music group and traditional choir. A beautiful way to anchor the week.

Spent the afternoon at the Lake with Cindy and Patty and their wonderful beasties, Mac and Shanti. The boys played in the water with the dogs and the grown-ups actually got to hang out and RELAX. Blissssssss.

The baby will probably reunify with teen Bio-Mom at the end of next week. Visit this past Friday where I did some "parent-training" with her and her new Foster-Mom, another visit today, an overnight at the end of the week, and more next week. Bio-Mom has settled into her new therapeutic foster home in the middle of nowhere and likes her new school. New Foster Mom is Okay with taking both teen Bio-Mom AND Baby. God Bless her...In fact God Bless em all....PHEW.

When this little guy goes home, the Other Mother and I hope to take a break from babies so we can catch up on our sleep. But you know what that means in our house. Maybe a day will go by before we get another call from the Division of Family Services. Sad that there are so many families in crisis. Glad we can be there to be part of their support system.

I'm not packing away the baby things just yet.....

Recognition

On Sunday we were recognized by the Division of Family Services at a foster/adoption brunch. The event filled the ballroom of a landmark hotel in the middle of our humble New England State. It was quite a crowd: Social workers, Supervisors, politicians, and guests of about 40 families from DFS Offices throughout the state -each selected within their local Office from nominations from families and Social Workers. Cool.

We were pretty surprised to be notified that we would be honored. I think we just do what we do. Nothing special; just everyday living and raising other people's kids with a team of twenty scrutinizing our every move. Just like many of the wonderful foster and adoptive families we know. Just doing what we do.

It was very nice. Yummy food, good conversation, longggggggg speeches. Several talented foster/adoptive children performed. There was a spiffy little biography/write up about us, we were given a formal citation with our names on it signed by the governor, a bottle of wine and lovely orchid corsages! We even won a raffle prize of a certificate for an overnight stay and breakfast at a fancy-schmancy metropolitan area hotel. Heck. We might even use it!

A lovely day. The Brunch allowed me much appreciated grown-up time (translated = child and baby-free time) with The Other Mother.

The best partof the day: The babysitter reported the boys played well, the baby slept, the police were not called and none of our children ran away!!!!

Above we are with our Family Social Worker. Below The Other Mother is flanked by our adoption worker, affectionatly known as "The Stork".

Pharaoh and Cal At Dinner

Cal, Nana, Bio Mom and and an Egyptian Pharaoh came to dinner Tuesday night. It was wonderful to see them all. We really enjoyed sitting at the table with Cal's Mom listening to stories and comparing "notes". Cal looked good, but from the stories Mom told, he could use a little behavioral "tune up" and some reminders on not taking advantage of his Mom. I was so proud of the lovely blessing Cal gave when saying Grace. I was worried he'd be shy or not want to look like a dork in front of James or his Mom- but my boy stepped up!!!! It was good for James to see.

Nana and Mom and Cal brought us 3 Helium Balloons that said CONGRATULATIONS (for our Foster Parent Award that we received on Sunday) and a yummy Ed*ble Arr*ngement for dessert. Very sweet of them.

Cal and James instantly hit it off and were fist knocking, shoulder bumping and hi-fiving within minutes of meeting. Sanjeet was over and Cal was thrilled to see him as they used to play together when Cal lived here. The three boys stood in the front yard, spitting and laughing and posturing like three baby roosters.

Bobby was inside making a costume for the Egypt video he and some classmates are doing for school. All I know is Bobby is an Egyptian Pharoah and will be poisoned and somehow time travel to the Revolutionary war. He came home with two yards of taupe silk shantung fabric from his teacher (an old curtain?) and asked me for scotch tape and safety pins. I cringed thinking about the impending meltdown when the costume didn't work out, but let him tape his curtain while we cooked dinner and visited with our guests.

I was uncomfortable with the striking contrast between the three typical, rough and tumble boys and Bobby. James was reprimanded for throwing a stick when he ran out of soccer balls to whip at Sanjeet and Cal in a rough game of Dodge Ball. Bobby, on the other hand, is inside wearing beads and pinning his fabric and is...*sigh*...is just who he is. I need to relax and be a little less homophobic about how he expresses himself. I just wish, sometimes, he'd express himself a little less flamboyantly. Really.

Speaking of....I do believe my boy has a talent... note the safety pins, star shaped tucks, decorative fabric sash and train! Tres chic. He did this all.by.himself!


The boys laughed and teased Bobby a little and I quickly sprang to his defense. "Don't laugh! - this is what Calv*n Kl*en was doing when he was 12 and now he's a billionaire". That slowed their roll.

Dinner was good and dessert even better. The conversation was easy and relaxed. It was nice having a table-full at dinner time. We said our goodnights to Nana, Mom and Cal and reminded them Cal was welcome back for an overnight or visit or if Mom needed respite. Mom smiled and said "How's Friday???".

Activists, We are Not

When Alex was in Elementary school it was obvious that the next seven years of school was going to be H*LL, Oh! I meant a BIG CHALLENGE. His ADHD, impulsivity and undiagnosed learning disabilities made school a dificult place for Alex to succeed. Because he was cute, verbal, social and charming the teachers passed him along, year after year, without basic skills. Middle school, with it's many social distractions and demands for quality and quantity of work, terrified us all.

His Bio-Dad Brian, The Other Mother and I looked into a small Christian School in our progresive New England multiculturally diverse community. We had heard and witnessed this school do amazing work with kids that weren't fitting into regular education. We toured and met with the faculty and attended an open house. Then we realized that their church and school teachings were loud and clear on not supporting our family: divorced hetero Dad/2 lesbian Moms/all with democratic leanings! GASP. Also, at least one of the three parents would be required to frequently participate in church/school life. Ohhhhhhhh. It wasn't just about paying the big tuition bill.....

We quickly recognized that THIS was not the school for our kid. He shouldn't have to be ashamed of his parents and who he was. So we kept him in public school, where it WAS a struggle, where he did NOT succeed and school was not the positive experience it could have been - but where ALL KINDS OF FAMILIES attended and he was accepted.

When Alex was seven or eight we talked about him joining and benefiting from the Boy Scouts but quickly decided that because we were lesbian Moms, our status would/should exclude Alex from participating in Scouts becaseu of Scouts' positon on homosexuality.

One Sunday at dinner, The Other Mother's Mother said "He could join. Well, no one has to know..." Really? We could just hide our relationship and Alex could just lie about his family? He could pretend he didn't have two Moms AND a Dad???? Ummmm. I don't think so.

But we didn't fight the system, argue for admission, fight the policy, wave our banner high, protest the injustice..... We just didn't join where we weren't wanted.

It's shameful and hard to admit this publicly.

I am many things, but an activist, I'm not.

OK. I usually try to leave religion and politics out of my blog, but somehow this situation I have read about on CNN just doesn't sound right, doesn't seem fair. Yet, I have mixed feelings about this because of our own decision not to go where we weren't wanted....

Any thoughts?