When Alex was in Elementary school it was obvious that the next seven years of school was going to be H*LL, Oh! I meant a BIG CHALLENGE. His ADHD, impulsivity and undiagnosed learning disabilities made school a dificult place for Alex to succeed. Because he was cute, verbal, social and charming the teachers passed him along, year after year, without basic skills. Middle school, with it's many social distractions and demands for quality and quantity of work, terrified us all.
His Bio-Dad Brian, The Other Mother and I looked into a small Christian School in our progresive New England multiculturally diverse community. We had heard and witnessed this school do amazing work with kids that weren't fitting into regular education. We toured and met with the faculty and attended an open house. Then we realized that their church and school teachings were loud and clear on not supporting our family: divorced hetero Dad/2 lesbian Moms/all with democratic leanings! GASP. Also, at least one of the three parents would be required to frequently participate in church/school life. Ohhhhhhhh. It wasn't just about paying the big tuition bill.....
We quickly recognized that THIS was not the school for our kid. He shouldn't have to be ashamed of his parents and who he was. So we kept him in public school, where it WAS a struggle, where he did NOT succeed and school was not the positive experience it could have been - but where ALL KINDS OF FAMILIES attended and he was accepted.
When Alex was seven or eight we talked about him joining and benefiting from the Boy Scouts but quickly decided that because we were lesbian Moms, our status would/should exclude Alex from participating in Scouts becaseu of Scouts' positon on homosexuality.
One Sunday at dinner, The Other Mother's Mother said "He could join. Well, no one has to know..." Really? We could just hide our relationship and Alex could just lie about his family? He could pretend he didn't have two Moms AND a Dad???? Ummmm. I don't think so.
But we didn't fight the system, argue for admission, fight the policy, wave our banner high, protest the injustice..... We just didn't join where we weren't wanted.
It's shameful and hard to admit this publicly.
I am many things, but an activist, I'm not.
OK. I usually try to leave religion and politics out of my blog, but somehow this situation I have read about on CNN just doesn't sound right, doesn't seem fair. Yet, I have mixed feelings about this because of our own decision not to go where we weren't wanted....
Any thoughts?
I have been reading about this too. Ironically, my eldest did attend a Catholic school for 1.5 yrs. In kindergarten it met his needs ideally. Highly distractable, it was only a 1/2 day program and had a ratio of 2 teachers to 16 students. Sadly in grade 1 they had 1 teacher for 30 children (both a.m. and p.m. kindergartens combined into one grade) and although the curriculum was exemplary his distractability could not be managed in that environment and we left for public school. (where i lucked out again w/ low teacher/student ratios for the remainder of that year.) We were upfront with the sister in charge of admissions and they were fine with 2 UU moms, which always amazed me.
ReplyDeleteI think though part of me is an activist, that I don't want or expect my children to have to be. I mean if they want to do something to help hte earth or Haiti , all well and good. But march for the life that we lead, be a poster child for same sex marriages and families, I won't and haven't asked that of them. In situations where both of us showing up would make Rob uncomfortable we have even sat down and said we can designate one of us as the mom to attend and who would he like that to be.
That the Catholic schools are arrogant enough to even DO this appalls me. And doesn't make me all that sad to see more Catholic churches closing, which is petty and mean spirited of me and I apologize! (grin)
There are times when it's important to be an activist, and there are times when it's the better decision not to fight. If you have the time, money and resources, then by all means fight. If you don't, then get on with your life and do the best you can from where you are.
ReplyDeleteThere have been several times where FosterEema and I have faced discrimination where we might have won if we'd hired an attorney and sued. The problem is, those kinds of cases are expensive and lengthy, and we just didn't have it in us to take on a lengthy and expensive legal fight.
In other words, pick your battles.
I don't think that just because you're gay you have to be on the front lines fighting for gay rights. My personal opinion is that you should have all the rights that everyone else in this country has.. but that also includes the right to not march in political marches and have people scream hate messages at you. You should be able to live a quiet life and be where you're wanted and surround yourself with people that love and accept you. *I* do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the church/school keeping kids out because their parents are gay. Well. I just wonder.. is that what Jesus would have done? And if we asked ourselves that more often in our lives, wouldn't there be less hatred and strife?
(And I would hate to suggest this to the church/school.. but I wouldn't worry about the *parents*.. don't they know they have GAY STUDENTS in their school?! *GASP* Until they can figure out which ones they are, they shouldn't let ANY kids in!)
I completely understand where you are coming from. We recently enrolled all of our kids into Karate and the I was so nervous because “What is the teacher is homophobic?”
ReplyDeleteNo parent wants to put their child in a situation where they would be judged because of their parents but at the same time you don’t want your kids to miss our on opportunities because of homophobia. It’s a hard balance to keep when all you want is what is best for your kids.
I think what happened in Massachusetts is shameful. Being a product of the Catholic School system I feel it goes against everything that the Catholic school is suppose to teach. It was actually after one of my teacher’s, who was a nun, gave a talk about acceptance and love that gave me the strength to ‘come out’ at 17.
People have a stigma that homosexuals are morally corrupt in not just sexuality but in every other aspect. In truth I get teased within my group of family and friends because I am very conservative and am much stricter in my parenting than I was raised. Every time I have to put myself out there as the token “Gay Family” I take it as an opportunity to teach. I don’t know how many times I have gotten the “Oh my goodness, your marriage is just like mine, your family is just like mine…”
It amazes me that the word Catholic means "universal" yet it is a religion that is not open to all. I am Catholic, was raised Baptist, lived for a number of years as an Episcopalian (what I called Catholic Lite...1/3 less guilt). I guess I'm a weird Catholic....basically a liberal democrat who believes all people are people,period.
ReplyDeleteIf the Catholic church were to allow all who feel called to lead, be they straight/gay, male/female, married/single, to be priests...they just might not be dealing with all the hidden crap of the past.
As to being an activist...you're too busy being an advocate....and by living your life full of grace and love, you are actively advocating that all families deserve respect and consideration. Okay, brain is hurting now....spent the day actively advocating the importance of science with seventh graders. I hope any of my ramble made a little sense.
Gotta love that Catholic Church. Shuffle around pedophile priests for decades and maintain a policy of hiding facts and protecting their own....but Gawd Forbid a child with gay parents enrolls in one of their schools! They sure jump on that quickly.
ReplyDeleteFormer Catholic here. I hate to hear things like this but it is heartening to know that there are more progressive members of the church fighting from the inside.
As far as being an "activist" - a lot of ground is gained by simply living your lives as the decent, normal, compassionate, loving humans that you are. The people whose thinking needs to evolve will more likely be impacted by a simple, every day interaction with a fellow human than a flag waving crowd. They've already decided how they feel about the crowd. But when they meet a perfectly imperfect and quite normal person such as you or your wife...that might help them think a little differently. Or at least plant a seed.
Keep doing what you're doing, Mamas!