Not Everything Sucks

Despite what you may have heard, not everything sucks. In fact, the one on the left doesn't suck at all. I tried and tried and yet it stubbornly remains clogged. I don't even want to know with what.  I grabbed the upstairs vaccuum (yeah we have 2 cats and 3 dogs and a million kids so I have one on each floor because lugging vaccuums on wooden stairs is equally ridiculous and dangerous)  I cleaned my floors with a vengance.  If anyone or any animal dares to pee, poop, puke or leave a clump of fur or muddy sneaker prints on my floors I will SCREAM. I have had it with all the living things in my house and their disprespect of my space.....I want them all gone. Now. ARGHHHH.

I put all three WET muddy dogs in the car (yes...it has been raining, too!) and spent an hour vaccuuming and scrubbing...Thank Goodness for leather seats in the van which will wipe clean - in theory, at least.

The timing was perfect:  I was just finishing when the kids came home from school.  I would not let them inside, but directed them to the Mom-Mobile (our Sienna mini-van), grabbed my purse and off we all went to get McD*nald's strawberry-banana smoothies with whipped cream...  YUMMMMMMMMMM. We aimlessly drove around until our smoothies were gone and my floors might be dried. It was worth blowing the gas ($3.99 a gallon here folks!) driving around town.

Manny is still hospitalized and will remain there for quite some time. We have not been asked to visit him by either the hospital or social worker and have not received any calls from him.  Our understanding is he will go to residential and will stabilize there for some time before they try family living again for this guy. So very sad.

James goes home to Mom this weekend for his first unsupervised weekend visit with his Mom. Which is great and all - especially since it is Mother's Day weekend.  However, I hope his brothers are all crashing somewhere else this weekend. James' Brother was recently in the paper for yet another arrest. This time a handgun and crack and tools of burglary...nice.

Two weeks ago James shows up with a new ipod nano...and several weeks prior to that he has an ipod touch (which he claims he traded for his little ipod...All five of  his "explanations" are hinky and don't make any sense.  This past weekend, I found a quart size zip lock baggie just sitting behind James' alarm clock with $310.25 in it. Large bills...rolled coins with a strange bank account # on them.....Hmmmm. I didn't even bother asking where he got the money. We would just get a vacant, confused, disjointed, nonsensical answer...followed with "I dunno..."

With the advice of a Social Worker, I just took the money and am waiting to see what he says about it...Hasn't said squat since Sunday when I scooped it. His Social Worker was supposed to come here today to deal with it - but went home sick and has called and rescheduled for tomorrow.

Whatever...

He's Movin' On

Our recent visitor is moving on. Not Manny. The bear. All our kids learn bear safety....we live in the woods in New England. I'm sure kids in Manhattan learn subway safety and kids in Texas know about fire ants...We learn about Bears and coyotes. Whatevs. Anyhow this is an adolescent bear - hungry and disoriented and left to make his/her way in the world while Momma bear raises the next litter of cubs. Though the trees are sending out their first green leaves....berries will not be on the menu for sometime.

A much larger adult bear was in our yard the fifth day Manny was with us. Why do I know this? I mark it on the calendar. Some women chart their periods...I chart the bears. Whatevs. Like I said, it's New England. In the woods. Anyhow...It was fortunate that Manny and James had a front row seat from our dining room window to see the adult bear. Fortunate?


See, one of Manny's "many" behaviors was running away. Seeing a very large bear in our yard thankfully slowed his running and kept him close. Thereafter he never ran away up the mountain and only went down as far as the bottom of our long driveway and down the road to the neighbors...

Hmmmm...... the bottom of our driveway...just like the bear in this photo.

 

Getting On That Horse Again

Several inches of snow in the Mountain Towns on Saturday...Drizzly rain for the rest of us. Doesn't anyone in charge know it is Spring? The barest hint of green has appeared on the tree branches. A few brave daffodills have dared to bloom. Forsythia - eager, impatiently joyful, forsythia are in bloom - contrary to both weather and temperature.

Me?  Am I blooming? No. But I am slowly regaining my footing in a world turned upside down by the recent implosion and departure of Manny.  As directed and encouraged, I am being gentle on myself. Kind. Taking things slowly. Cleaning - spiritually, metaphorically and literally. Bleach is my friend. A gallon of a lovely pale celery green is destined for my hallway and guest bathroom. New towels -grass green and teal plaid, a matching plaid rug that will not be peed and pooped upon, a new toilet seat and some Laura Ashley candles complete the reclamation of my bathroom.

I find myself trying to put order in my home, my closets, my cabinets, my day, my plans. Manny's extreme behaviors and mental illness turned us all "skee-wiff" like a carnival ride and my internal gyroscope is seeking balance. Don't worry - I'm not getting all OCD and alphabetizing my canned goods  - but I did refold my bath towels and sort and match my sock drawer.

This past week I was sucked into the vortex of cabin-fever depression. For you non-New Englanders it is like jogging in quicksand - a bleak existential hell caused by an endlessly long winter with no hope of spring. It was awful and I had no energy or motivation to do much. Add to that my sadness over the enormity of Manny's "many" issues and you can easily see how much fun I was to be around last week.  Oh, how Depression sucks.

I spoke to Manny's social worker and he came by to pick up Manny's things. I spoke to Manny's former foster parents, too. We are all sad over Manny's current situation but not surprised considering all he has been through. The therapist at the hospital I spoke early in the week reiterated Manny was communicating with his behaviors. Ya think?

I am so grateful for my friends who "get it" and "get me" and understand the pain of foster care. My BFFF (best foster friend forev-ah) Marla (one of the Mountain Top Moms) took me for a country ride last week and to lunch. This week we took our kids to the movies to a matinee during school vacation week. It was bliss. Marla even bought me a new teapot ( I burned mine recently) because she enjoys coming to our house for tea..... Thank the heavens for good friends.

Saturday I went to the library ALONE and scooped a stack of books for my A to Z Challenge. This year I am reading Books by both Author and Title...one book for each letter of the alphabet. Fifty two books. A measurable task to occupy my mind. Reading is my escape. My drug of choice: the written word.

This book is a reflection on nature - essays and observations of Maine and Cape Cod. Hays writing is lyrical and draws you into his world. Having spent time on both Maine and Cape Cod, it was easy to lose myself in his imagery. I read on Saturday in THE MOM CAVE - (our upstairs guest room /den)while The Other Mother scanned photos from old photo albums into her computer. Curled up on the futon with the cat to keep my feet warm and a cup of tea to keep my hands warm, I read.  Really, it was such a luxury reading undisturbed. A welcome respite on this drizzly rainy afternoon.

Tuesday our Family Social Worker from The Division of Family Services is coming by as part of our annual Foster Care relicensing. She wants to talk about the successes and challenges we have had during the past year.  Relicensing? To keep doing Foster Care? Seriously? When she called the other day, I told her The Other Mother isn't too eager to get on that horse (taking in more placements), and that we are both a little fried and need a break. She was very understanding and told to take whatever time we need.

Yeah. So last night The Other Mother and were online shopping at "The Wall of Marts" and "Tar Jay" for a cute little netbook mini-laptop: tourquoise or lime green?.....and while we were there, I selected a really nice fixed-side style crib and mattress set for under $200. Although our current crib was not among those recalled, we have wanted to replace our drop-side style crib with the recommended fixed side style for some time. Our crib mattress got wet in our recent basement flooding, and needed replacing.



Hmmmm. If we are not fostering infants, we really don't need a crib....

So if we are putting a crib in our online shopping basket, I guess that means even if we are not ready for more high need (KaaaaRayyyyyZeeeeee) adolescent boys just yet, we are willing to get on the "baby" horse one more time...

....just after we take a little break.

Today I Erased a Kid

Yep. You read that right. Today I erased a kid. The day was spent packing the clothes, books, school papers, Lego creatures, Matchbox cars, and the "Many Things of Manny".  It amazes me what kids can accumulate in a short time and even more - just how much of an impact a kid can have on a family in such a short time.

Impact is a pretty accurate word to describe what has happened to our family- visualize a meteor slamming into a snow covered mountain - or a car careening at full speed into a guardrail and a concrete wall...Kinda like that but with blond hair and blue-green eyes.

Rugs were shaken out. Toys washed and put away. Surfaces wiped down. Bedding washed and changed. Some household items broken beyond repair were thrown away. Everything was ritually sanitized. With bleach. Twice. The downstairs guest room stands empty and void of all things Manny. I cried.

When Manny was referred to us, we were doubtful of our ability to maintain him in our family setting and were curious why they were trying to place him in a "typical family" when his history reflected the need for more intensive or residential services.  Budget cuts and the need to try the least restrictive settings first, blah, blah, blah...was the reply. The placement worker appealed to our experience (and foolishness) and reputation of successfully taking on the more challenging (and crazy) adolescent boys.  We like crazy adolescent boys. We really do.

At our preplacement meeting in early March (the day after we returned from Orlando) we met the former foster parents. They remain connected and spoke highly of his many positive qualities. When we met Manny and began transition visits, we saw his many strengths: compassion, curiosity, kindness, playful, seeks affection and connection, smart, articulate, loves to be busy outdoors doing yardwork, interested in planting or gardening, good at tracking time and planning, helpful, able to self initiate and complete homework...and very, very, very VERY damaged by the  9 years of abuse and neglect at the hands of his birth family.

In fact, I gave him the blog moniker of Manny to reflect his many issues...including some emerging health concerns. The medical issues remain a big question mark while we await additonal scans and the specialists argue what to do next...But what is crystal clear is we are not able to manage his level of aggression, self injury, property destruction and rapid cycling of unpredictable behaviors that seem to be triggered by ordinary-everyday requests (like: use the bathroom)  or transitions (time to finish playing and come indoors) or perhaps it is just his invisible emotional barometer reacting to a change in the atmosphere.  A butterfly's wings flapping in the Amazon?

Who knows?

What I do know is based on the episode he exhibited on Friday evening, we are not equipped to safely maintain Manny in our home. I called 911 and then the The Division Of Family Services and they notified The Crisis Center Team to head to the hospital. I called our neighbors and told them to keep their 3 kids inside because the police were on their way for Manny in crisis and I didn't want them to see.

It was much as you'd expect. And then some.

Afterwards, I offered a drink of water to the officer in the first of the two police cars that responded. Clearly he was shook up by Manny's rage, strength and inability to regain control. And he was angry at being assaulted by a kid and upset over the damage done to the police car. Let's not forget that part.

I explained to the officer that our two older boys were waiting in an upstairs bedroom until they were told it was safe to come out. They boys were shook up and would be calmed by seeing the police had responded and that the situation was under control and that Manny was on his way to the hospital. He wanted to know how old they were...12 and 14...but right now they are 5 and 7 and very scared.

The officer stepped over the broken glass, came inside and I called the two older boys downstairs to process the aftermath with the police. Both boys were relieved and soon fell asleep on the couch watching Harry Potter work his magic.The Other Mother stayed with them while I left for the Emergency Room with a quickly packed bag of his clothes and meds.

I spoke to Manny yesterday afternoon after he was transferred from the Emergency Room and had travelled a few hours and had settled into the adolescent inpatient program.  I asked him how he was doing, made small talk.  I asked what the place was like.

"It's still nice" he said.
"Still?"
"I've been here before."
"Oh?"
"You've been there before?"
" Yeah. Three times."
"Oh"

I knew about the two other places, but didn't know about this. Apparently, there is much I don't know and even more we can't fix. 

Although we will visit and call and remain a resource for him, Manny is gone from our home and won't be coming back. He wants to come back. he has already asked.  He doesn't fully understand he is not coming back. I don't fully understand it either.

My obligation is to the safety and well being of the children already in my home. And to the safety and sanity of my house and marraige. He is not compatible with either.

Today I feel broken. Sad. Weary. Not sure I am cut out to do this hard work of heartbreak.

If It Wasn't So Funny, It Would be Sad

If it wasn't so funny it would be sad...or is it the other way around? You decide.

I am amazed at the life experiences our foster children have had and their frame of reference for viewing the world.

In case you can't read it clearly:

My Mom will crash into a another car. (My Mom will crash into another car.)
My friend a had  flash back. (My friend had a flashback.)

So what sentences did your second grader use this week for their spelling words?

Honeymoon? What Honeymoon?

Yeah. Remember me waxing poetic on Friday?

Well, the Honeymoon is Over. Or Ov-ahhh as we say here in New England.

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” Benjamin Franklin

Yeah.

Whatever.

I gotta go look for my Big Girl Panties -they are around here somewhere. I have a feeling I am going to need them today.

Today We Begin Again

I remember early in our Fostering "career" attending our first meeting of the Mountain Town Foster Parent Support Group and folks introducing themselves...I recall noticing that we were the only ones that had not yet adopted and how after the meeting The Other Mother and I shared our observations and were very clear we were not going to adopt. Yeah. Adoption. That's not for us.

Here we are, having adopted and open to doing it again.

I remember being in Orlando recently and feeling somewhat out of place because our house was fairly settled. No major issues, no crazy attachment stuff happening right now, no turmoil...and being very grateful for the mundane life we call ours.

Mundane?

That didin't last long.

Here we are. Less than a month later. Ready to buckle into the roller coaster AGAIN.

Today our new guy, Manny (he of "many" get it?  many issues...) returns to us.

No. That's not quite right.

Let's try that again: Today, Manny comes HOME to us.

Home, after a two week respite in a RTC to stabilize his behaviors. Manny comes home today and we begin again.

He has had several diagnostic tests and appointments with specialists to help pinpoint what is going on medically. Yes. Medically. Because in additon to the loss and trauma and all the horrible things that brings a child to foster care and the BIG BEHAVIORS that are a result- now there is a medical challenge to face. The Other Mother went yesterday to meet with the surgeon and this morning they are meeting with the specialist.

We are closer to knowing what course our lives will take.

I should be scared and doubtful. I should be a wreck and nervous. I should be praying or crying. I should be many things today - but for now I am Manny's new Mom. Waiting for him to come home.