Let the Good Times Roll.....

"Good Times Here!!!!!!" She said in her most perky cheerleader/soccer Mom voice.

Really, though. I've been struggling with what to do with our kids, my flooded basement, my life....

Ahhh. James. James.... his task this week in therapy was to communicate better. Communicate he has....he is telling us how he feels without even using words!!!! What a good communicator:

James is not speaking to us unless it is to answer a question.
James goes to friends house then has the friend call to ask if he can stay later. He wont talk to us on the phone.
James is breaking curfew.
James is riding around in cars with unauthorized folks who have not been Background checked/cleared to supervise James
James is  hacking into my computer then surfing fet*sh p*rn sites (Ewwwww!) and adult n*de web cams (double Ewwwww!).

The new kid, Manny is still at Residential and having a hard time...
Manny's multiple medical procedures scheduled for today have been postponed because they don't have a sedation plan (last medical visit resulted in a police/cuffs/restraints/ER &psych placement)
Refusing to do activities of daily living at Residential.
Not good.
Also, not surprising. 
Sadly, not sure if he'll come back here after Residential as his emotional/structural/personal care needs and behaviors are just  HUGE.

Bobby is Bobby and doing great.....very understanding of Manny's issues as he, too, has been in residential and "gets it". I love that boy's compassion but sometimes he is just too darn perky, positive and peppy for someone as bleak and pessimistic as me!

Alex is struggling with the age old question all young adults face: who am I and what am I doing here and what am I gonna do for the rest of my life???? He is gonna have to figure this out for himself and I wish the whole growing up and picking a career and deciding where to live, etc. was easier....This next stage of his life - going  from teen to adult is much like childbirth: messy, protracted and painful - but the end result is a brand new adult rather than a brand new baby......Oh it isn't easy...but it is just part of growing up....

My basement is almost empty and damp (thankfully not flooded now)...with everything out and in the garage - stuff being repacked/donated/thrown away I almost feel like I am halfway to moving......moving?? MOVING!!!!!/Hmmm. Where???? Suggestions?

On other fronts...we were blessed with the chance to get together with some of the Orlando Moms in New Hampshire...I now refer to them in my head as my NHORLANDO MOMS (pronounced Nor'Lando...said in a syrupy sweet southern voice....) and will see them again in April.  Which CANNOT come soon enough1

What A Difference A Week Makes

• Flooded basement due to snow melt, rain, the whim of Mother Nature and New England
• A surprise work crew of my amazing foster/adoption friends arrived and rescued us
• I love my Mountain Top Foster Support Group - they so get it and are a joy to be around
• Our entire basement's contents and cut up wall to wall carpet is now on the lawn or in the garage..
• An engine block or two, some chickens and a few sorry looking hound dogsto would complete the look.
• My neighbor has drawn their shades for the first time since we have lived here (10-11 years!)
• Who knew that's all it would take.
• Almost makes me NOT want to get a dumpster to throw it all away.
• The Other Mother and I taught a foster parent class on Tuesday for The Division of Family Services:
• A Tool Kit for Managing Difficult Behaviors
• How timely...
• New Kid arrived on Wednesday. A brief honeymoon ensued.
• Very brief.
• Emergency Room Psych Visit Friday.
• Yeah - the whole enchilada, cuffs, restraints....
• Did I mention the very brief honeymoon?
• Spit Sock Hood- sadly, a new word in my vocabulary and even sadder, a must have fashion item
• Wish it came in more colors
• The one available kid psych bed in the state would not take him because he was too violent and acute.
• There is nothing cute about violence.
• Hospital wanted to know if they discharge would we take him home.
• Uhhhh. Nooooo. Not this weekend.
• What the heck kind of message would that send?
• Emergency Room for more than 24 hours.
• Now at a Residential Program some distance from here.
• So we start again with phone calls and transitional visits to help this little guy give family living another try.
• Sigh.

Lets see how this week goes...shall we?

Another Miracle

Another family tryin' to work a miracle for two little ones. Can you help?

Foster Care, Done Right

We have been busy meeting with folks regarding an 8 year old living at a RTC who will join our family this week afters several transition visits. The Division of Family Services should be proud - they invested time and energy in arranging an informative placement meeting! In all our years of foster care I have only had one other pre-placment meeting. This boy does NOT look good on paper and I am certain most placement calls would have been met with a resounding "no thanks"...

The meeting at the RTC on Tuesday consisted of Social Worker, Social Worker supervisor, Foster Family's Social Worker, Attorney, Former Foster parents and their adult child (for the sibling perspective) RTC caseworker, RTC and Division Placement Liaison and us. After we met for an hour and a a half and they answered our questions we had a casual/informal introduction to the (not so little) Little Guy while he visited with his former foster family (who remains in touch for holidays and periodic visits).

We then went to get our boys and take them to dinner and discuss bringing an 8 year old boy from RTC to the house. Bobby's first happy, excited question: "Oh!!! Are we adopting him?!!!!". He was a little sad when I said we didn't know if he was available for adoption....I'm taking that as a good sign.

James didn't know why a kid would live at RTC so I explained that sometimes foster families weren't available or available in the town you wanted to live in and you had to wait, and Bobby piped up and said it was also for kids with BIG behaviors. Bobby should know as he came to our family from the same RTC at the age of 8 in the summer of 2007 with his own set of BIG behaviors. BIG, BIG behaviors, which are teeny, tiny, now.

James was still looking a little confused about why a kid would live in a RTC. Sigh.
As we are getting ready to leave the restaurant, Bobby leans up against me, smiles a freckle faced grin and says "I was a frickin' blowup THEN and NOW look at me!" I laughed so hard. Truer words were never spoken....My boy has come a long, long, way.....

Saved By And Saving For Orlando

I do not have the words to express what Orlando has done for me. I told our Mountain Top Foster Adoption Support Group on Wednesday night that is it was a life changing trip. I do mean that. Women from all over the country coming together, blindly with faith and hope seeking understanding and compassion. We found it. We are not alone. There are scads of Moms who parent kids from the hard places and walk the walk of trauma daily. I am blessed to have been surrounded by their love and wisdom. I am quiet and inside myself with all that I have learned and experienced.

Tuesday morning I spent unpacking, settling in and scouring the house and car and extras from my State Quarter collection for any and all change. Why??? Because I am starting a bank account  for Orlando. Money will not be a barrier to attend for me or other moms...several moms attended on scholar-ship and I hope to contribute to that again. Money is just a tool and I can't think of a better way to spend it than holding up Moms parenting other peoples kids. Ok- and supporting orphanages...and maybe a hot tub. And a new Sienna mini-van...but really, the Orlando Retreat money feels more concrete and something I can easily accomplish.... 

I think I have $78.63 here as seed money for Orlando 2012.

It has been a strange returning to our atmosphere. Our boys have been very sweet and welcoming and there has been no fall out.

Yet.

I am embarassed to admit that the only inkling of unhappiness we have experienced so far is James left his souvenier T-Shirt and water bottle in the middle of the kitchen table as a passive/aggressive way of saying he was not happy with us going away. However, last night after dinner he brought it to his room where it will sit on the floor next to the christmas presents he still has not taken out of the bag....*sigh*

Anyhow, it is nice to know he cares about us and missed us in his own special way.

A Few Short Hours

In a few short hours we will board a plane headed to Florida. There our lives will be forever changed by the 68 amazing Moms we will spend the weekend with. There will be much  laughing, crying, nodding and knowing. I am excited and nervous about finally meeting the other foster/adoptive/bio moms who "get it" and with whom we have bared our souls to through our personal blogs.  This weekend we will hold each other up in friendship and understanding so that we may all return, rested, to our daily lives and do the work we love: parenting challenging kids and other peoples children... Pretty cool - huh?

We had better return rested on Monday. Tuesday we have a big meeting at a residential program about a potential placement....Cross your fingers it's a good match and we have what is needed to help this child heal.

Does This Family Come In Another Color?

James' does not want to live with us...the problem is we are white. White women to be exact. What he really wants is a foster family of color. Any color except white. If he can't have that he'd like to be in a family with a Dad.  Any color dad, including white. If he can't have that then he'd stay with us.

In either scenario he would like to live in  nearby city with a reputation of being as intellectually liberal and culturally diverse as our city. Problem is there are maybe 5 foster families in that city, none of whom are of color. When kids in that city need foster care, they wind up in my city: having to switch schools, sports teams, commuity connections. It sucks.

His bio-mom and grandmother, therapist, psychiatrist, teammmates, schoolmates, coaches few friends and mentor all live in this town. If he moves to another city he will lose the ease of access to these resources.  Most importantly, If he moves to another city he will lose his school connections.  Now, the teachers here love him, and a few have known him since first grade.  His teachers understand his quirky behaviors and processing issues, learning challenges, behavior problems and are totally committed to his successs.  If he moves to another town they won't know him and love him and will likely perceive him as just another tough punk @ss  kid....

Okay. If he needed eyeglasses, we'd get him eyeglasses. He wants a family of color...or a dad of any color... How can I deny him that???? 

I don't take it personal anymore. I did at first.....I was hurt that we were perceived as lacking, that we weren't good enough..that we weren't fun enough, busy enough.  You know what? It is NOT about us...

Of course the real issue is that the Division of Family Services is sorely lacking in foster families of color...how do I know this?  The Social Worker (who is a person of color) asked me if I knew of any foster families of color.....Ummmm...wouldn't you know since you work for DFS???? Finding ethnic homes, wouldn't that be DFS's job????  Ummmmm. Sure...I guess I can do that. Whatever.

I had talked to James and his Social Worker about my plan and I asked permission to bring his photo album. They agreed. James also understood that any advocacy on my part would not necessarily result in a home for James (by the time a person is interested, makes inquiries, discusses it with spouse or family, agrees, get's background checks, attends an 8 week parenting class that runs only 4 times a year, then fills out a crazy long application, gets references checked, fingerprinted and a homestudy written we are talking six months to a year....) so the work I was doing  might benefit kids of color - but not necessarily him.

So I went to the "World-Wide-Clips" salon (the ONLY ethnic barber shop in both of our towns)
and waited for an hour to get my hair trimmed by the owner.....who was a bit surprised to have me - a middle aged white woman - sitting in his chair all cheerful and perky asking for a trim in the back.  You see, I cut my own hair and it is pretty short right now - so there wasn't much hair to cut! It is difficult to do the back evenly, so the Other Mother ususally does a line-up in the back after I have hacked away. I was there to get my back cleaned up and because I thought it was the best way to have his "ear" for at least 20 minutes....

He remembered cutting James' hair and remembered me from past visits. I explained I was hoping he could make some connections for me to recruit foster families of color to fill a need in the community. It went so well that after my trim, he told the other two stylists he was going to go next door to the restaurant where we could talk uninterrupted....So we left his salon with plenty of folks waiting their turn and went next door for some quick, yummy mexican food....and we talked and talked and talked....


Bottom line: he is willing to introduce me to folks who may have connections to public forums where I could speak and recruit some foster families of color (like churches, civic groups, men's clubs etc) The best part - he offered to host a social event at his salon after hours and invite folks who may be instrumental in getting this party started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yippeeeee.