That Would Be A Tragedy

We have only been foster Mommas twenty times. That may seem like a big number, but the reality is that many of our fostering friends have parented over one hundred children. Still, when a child comes in our home, it is a clean parenting slate, a new kid, our fresh hearts waiting to welcome them. We are excited and nervous - not knowing what they'll be like, how they will fit in our family, how we will meet their needs, how we can make them confortable and feel welcome.

Some of our well meaning friends and colleagues say things like "Oh, I could never do what you do, my heart would just break" or "I don't know how you do it, I'd want to keep them all". Well, the truth is that our hearts do break and some kids you do want to keep forever. How could The Other Mother and I not not love these kids, just to avoid having our hearts broken?

Sometimes kids bring BIG behavior and BIG vibes that make it a challenge to parent them and an even greater challenge to embrace them. But we do it the best we can: for a week, a year, a month. However much time they are with us.

When a child leaves our home, I worry for their future. I worry how their fractured past and dysfunctional families will impact their future. I wonder if the time in our home being part of our crazy family will make a difference. I try and imagine what they will be like in 5 years, 10 years, or as adults. For us, they are often "frozen in time" at the age they were when they lived with us.

So, yes, our hearts do break. Fairly regularly. Each time I think it will be easier. It isn't. My heart breaks and it heals - and I get over it. Sometimes right away and sometimes not so much.

Certain kids just have a way of sticking to your heart. I have come to accept that I have very little control over who will steal my heart. It isn't always who you'd think. We had a child in our home with some pretty unpleasant behaviors, emerging mental illness, trouble with social adjustment and violence at school and authority issues. You'd think we couldn't wait until this kid left. Not so. We'd take this child back in a heartbeat. Why? Damned if I know. We just loved this kid.

I am still mourning the loss of Baby Dee even though I speak to her Mom weekly and have seen them three or four times since she went home the beginning of April. There is an emptiness and sadness I didn't expect to feel.

But imagine the poor child who lives in a foster home, leaves a home and no one grieves their passing, misses their presence, mourns thier loss. Imagine, no one's heart breaks for them when they are gone.

Now, that would be a tragedy.